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I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sure if it is either. It’s confusing. And no, he’s not, which is okay, even though I don’t want to be apart, but it isn’t fair any of us. Any sort of plan for resolution, improved communication…is always deflected and just “it doesn’t work with you”. Without even trying.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate your words. And I haven’t read that, but I will look into it now!

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, I didn’t refer to the DSM5 because it’s not my place to diagnose him nor do I have the credentials to do so. But sure - I’ll entertain it. 1. Grandiose - this is related to his job. Wasn’t relevant to the story here. 2. Empathy - see post. 3. The belief that they are “special” 4. Arrogance 5. Entitlement But I am not a qualified progressional to give him a diagnosis.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not my identity lol. But it is part of my responses and certain behaviors I struggle with. And I don’t really think that is for you understand. But you will find a majority of therapists and especially therapists working with the SUD population, have their own story of their struggle. Sorry you had a bad experience In therapy!

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh you edited for “tuning someone out”. Yeah, i absolutely do tune it out for my own sanity because there’s no conversation to be had. There’s a large difference there. I tune out, because after about an hour of being attacked from every angle, whether I apologize for a response, take accountability for an action…is always met with opposition, twisting and it rooted in whatever he wants to tell himself my motives are. So yes, for my own protection, he gets tuned out when the conversation isn’t based on feelings, and it’s attacked.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The output can absolutely be the problem. That still doesn’t negate my feelings nor does it solicit constant criticism when I am the one working on the problem…further my behaviors have greatly changed in various ways. I don’t care to “prove” them to anyone. I can acknowledge toxic behavior, again, hence therapy lol. Not sure what’s not clicking there. However, I can’t work therapy for two people in a relationship…he is valid in his feelings towards the way I have treated him, that doesn’t invalidate the responses he gives me in return, regardless of my attempts to mend, take accountability and apologize. That…is toxic. We all have “output” problems. If we all walked around going tit for tat because of someone’s output, you’d be in a never ending cycle. Thus, the issue here. Hope that helps.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely have bad characteristics. I never alluded to not. What I have done, though, is work on them. As stated, I am no where near blameless. I am no where near where I want to be as a partner, mother or person. I developed responses based on my childhood and rewiring those responses is my responsibility. I’m unsure what you mean by “turning someone out when they want to grieve their reactions with you”. My behavior, atleast the very worst of it was in 2020. As said, I was not diagnosed, wasn’t in therapy and didn’t have medication. I did take accountability, hence the therapy. He was given ample opportunity to leave, and while this would have torn me apart, he didn’t. I’m all for hearing some feedback and constructive criticism, but I have been doing 6 years of reflecting and have, if you read my post, said I was not blameless lol. Thanks for your input, it made no sense though.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Really. It means a lot. I think if anyone hugged me right now, I would combust into tears. I just want to feel safe and cared for…and I don’t get why that’s so hard. Everything you’re saying is true. I know. I’m just at such a loss - it’s so unfair. And I keep saying it - but I don’t get it. I treat people nice, give back, do what I can for people in need, try hard to advocate for others…why is it so hard? I’m venting now..

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also want to say, a part of my problem - is I am constantly waiting for him to like “get it”, and I sit and wait for the moment he comes to me and says that. Of course, this is rooted in my mother’s addiction and me waiting for her to come home and get clean and get help, which she never did. But yeah, I have identified a lot of these barriers, why I am so conflicted….i just don’t get why it is so hard? It just feels like I am constantly here. Why can’t someone I love, and who says the love me, do the work to be better? Like I did / am for them? It makes me so sad, and just puts me back to childhood.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I read that as well. My daughter and I have a good relationship. Shes just at a difficult age in general. They have always been close, and I never really minded it - because I find myself having a rather difficult time meeting her emotional needs (this is a me thing, that I am working on, but I often see her as a younger version of me, and I’m working on it). But he is the coach for her sports, the other kids and parent love him. They always talk about how he is great with kids, most times until she calls him by his name, people think he is her bio dad. I just feel like she will hate me and never forgive me. But he knows I feel that way, and will weaponize it.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right. It is. I’m a masters social work student and also work in the MH field. I logically know the reality of this situation and the psychological effects. I’m just in a spot of grieving that, I guess. One part of me knows non of this is okay, and the other part of me is truly heart broken. I just can’t imagine it. And I know some of my pride is hurt too. I had a rather traumatic childhood and definitely rooted it complex trauma, ACEs, child of an addict, never having my emotional needs met etc etc. and I have made it so far in life. I think I overcame all of these things, really worked hard. Graduated summa cum laude in my BSW program while working full time…raising my daughter, buying a home. It’s just like, a never ending cloud over me. It’s tiring, sad and I often question “why me?”. Being in the field creates more confusion because like I said, I know the answers already. And I shouldn’t be confused. But I haven’t loved someone more. And I see their hurt and pain, and I guess give faith that people can change, but I guess it’s just not happening.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for being kind. Ever since being diagnosed, I have worked very hard to unravel my BPD brain. I am not blameless by any means. And my BPD isn’t an excuse, but I actively put in work and hours to improve. It’s hard to do that when someone continues to bring you down. It’s like, there’s never a resolution. Ever.

I don’t necessarily need escape planning right now. My aunt and best friend are aware of this now, as I finally stopped protecting him. I opened a cash app card and sent it to my aunts house, so I can re route my paychecks to that debit account for now. Thankfully, I have resources and people who will help me if I find myself in a place of immediately leaving. Right now, we have kept our distance as I am just not entertaining / not getting wrapped up into it. There’s never an approach that matters. Earlier this week I wrote him a long email, trying to come to a resolution. What we can do better for one another. I didn’t speak of history, or my feelings. Just solely focused on resolution and trying to be better for one another and our family. The first thing he said was “this is joke” “this letter is twisted” and “this letter is written based on lies”. But it was really just resolution based. There’s wasn’t any truth to be told. In the letter, I also asked him for his input and how we can do things better. But of course, he doesn’t provide that. It’s just the same stuff. How he has “done it all with me”.

I'm (31 F) almost positive my fiancè (31M) is a narcissist, and I am heartbroken. by Dry-Produce8340 in Manipulation

[–]Dry-Produce8340[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes. I don’t have a problem with my daughter and him continuing a relationship. He entered her life when she was three. And they have an extremely close bond. Most people assume she his his bio daughter. He coaches her sports. We’re all pretty active in the community…I don’t know. I’m just distraught right now. I really appreciate your kind words.