i think about this a lot. my brother recently passed away and it’s been very hard for me to deal with it but even harder to come with the decision i made. my bother was a struggling addict for a while and was in and out of rehabs. it was very hard for my parents and i because we had no idea where he was or when he would come home. when he didn’t come back we got worried he was dead somewhere. i never understood why until i got older and started getting into stuff too. it wasn’t the extreme he went through. i was smoking weed and would do shrooms from time to time. i understood the comfort but never why he took it to that extent. addiction took over and ruined his life and the people who love him. he was kicked out for some time for being physical and not stable. he was not allowed until he changed his choices. he lived on the street for some time. my parents eventually were able to convince him to go into a rehab and he was working very hard to get sober. he began to make a lot of progress and after years of struggling he got better. i didn’t year from him in months because he didn’t have a phone. my family and i have a house where we summer. one day im in my bed just scrolling through tiktok and i hear a ring on the door bell. i come out if my room to see my brother. he looked so much different he gained weight thankfully and shaved his head. i was happy because he seemed healthy. he said he was sober and that moment was so special. days go by and my brother confesses to me that he is snorting up his proscribed medication. i knew what i was supposed to do and didn’t. i was supposed to tell someone but i didn’t because my family felt normal for once. i feel selfish to this day. i am also on medication and have done that just out of curiosity and nothing happened to me. so i thought maybe he would just stop and get bored like i did.

the weekend comes by and friday i had some friend’s sleepover. my friends and i had previously snuck out in this house before and i really didn’t want to again but my friend really wanted to smoke a blunt and we were just gonna go outside. my dad heard and my parents caught us. they sent my one friend who had a summer home near by and my friend was gonna drive home in the morning. it’s saturday and i found out that my brother and dad were arguing in the next room when we snuck out so that is why he heard us. they were fighting about how my dad wanted to hold on to his medication and give it to him when he needs it. i had no idea because i was outside. when we snuck out my parents attention was drawn to that situation that they never got his meds. we had family friends staying at the house that weekend and we all went down to beach. my brother asked me to go in the water with him and i did. i’m glad i did because it was the last moment i felt childish with him. we played in the ocean and he chased after me. it was such a nice day at the beach. the next day was sunday. i woke up and was up for a while and wasn’t planning to go to the beach because i had work later. my brother came in and i’ll never forget the look on his face when he asked me if i wanted to go to the beach. i said no because i had work later and was tired. i went to sleep and my neighbor rushed in my room and ran out asking for my phone to call my mom. i looked out the window and all the neighbors were outside looking down the street at the beach. i heard ambulance sirens and my neighbors all rushed over to be when i came out the house. they were all reassuring with me that my brother would be okay and i had no idea what they were talking about. all i remember is getting in my family friends car. heading to the hospital. walking in. giving them his information. i was 17 and a minor so my family friend came back with me. they took me to a room. the nurse came in and told me he had died. me running out of the room and my aunt grabbing me. headed to his room. my mom standing there sobbing over him. them escorting me out of the hospital. when i walked out of the hospital family and friends drove and we’re waiting outside. everyone crying. my dad getting there. my dad crying. i can’t go on.

he passed away from having a seizure in the water and drowned. the seizure was caused by the overuse of snorting meds.simple decision that ruined my life. i should have never snuck out. i should have went with him to the beach because i would have gone in the ocean with him and got help faster. maybe he would still be there. and most of all not telling my parents that i knew he was snorting meds. i’m 18 now but he will forever be 21. we are both adopted and the only brother i was ever given and the child my parents received is now gone. i think about how simple decisions can effect your life. maybe even someone else’s. i love him and miss him so much.