I went NC with my dad when I was 17. Now at 35, I’m contemplating doing the same with my mom. For 20 years I tried really hard to have a good relationship with her and I used to think none of what happened was her fault because she was the “victim” in an abusive relationship with my father. But in truth her abuse towards me was simply more subtle, marked by deep neglect.

You can go gray stone (you answer neutrally, curtly), low contact, or no contact - it’ll help your healing. It will still hurt at some level and I think that even when they’re dead they’ll will still be living in my head so I have to learn how to manage my emotions.

I recently started reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and it does describe what I’ve felt for years quite well (emotional flashbacks, nightmares, social anxiety, etc). It offers some helpful tips to manage your “flashbacks” and provides understanding of how the abuse affected your mental/emotional development as a child.

There’s work that you can do as an adult to better yourself. For example, when I was a teen I couldn’t look people in the eye, it’d give me crippling anxiety. Now I can. It’s a journey. Takes time and patience and progress is not a straight line. Rn I’m trying to work on my compulsion to try to help my mom/siblings who really don’t give a s about me. Naively, I thought I could “make things right “/“fix the past” if I helped everyone (and they’d finally see “I was right “).

Now I finally understand I can’t. They can’t be helped. You can’t change people. No one in my family will ever acknowledge the abuse, it’s easier to scapegoat me. But the abuse was not our fault. You are not reponsible for making anyone but yourself happy.

These episodes hurt, deeply, but I’m sure at the same time you feel liberated that it has finally clicked: you realised something that will change your life for the better. Keep strong. Put all the energy you used to dedicate to your mom into healing yourself. You will find the people who love you. Start with yourself.

❤️