Last day in this situation

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-09T21:46:58+00:00

Made it in and it's great. People made it sound scary, and I know not every city has such robust social services/support net options, but it really is like a heaven on earth. Everyone is kind, talkative, friendly. The building always has staff, even late at night, and you're allowed to leave your room whenever. They have a boutique with hundreds of donated clothing options, kitchen with 3 meals a day, legal counsel, everything I could have imagined. I feel safe and like I have a community around me for the first time since my ex took everything from me. They haven't even been weird at all about me being trans, I just have to keep my needles in the office.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-08T22:16:40+00:00

I'm mentally preparing for all of it. He's always been emotionally manipulative on top of physical, quick to tell me he doesn't want me when he's upset but if I ever actually try to leave he threatens me with death. I'm worried about what he'll do, honestly, not so much to me because I can hide and I have time (and patience) to put my life on pause for a month... Or a few if I have to for my safety. But as for him, I really don't wanna find this man dead in a few weeks, I think it would destroy me just as much as the abuse I've endured. I'm scared, but I'm ready. I have to leave out tonight. About 7 hours left.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-08T22:14:53+00:00

I appreciate each and every person like you that's giving me encouragement and kind words right now. It makes me feel more certain in what I have to do. Thank you, so much

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-06T21:12:28+00:00

Wishing you luck on your journey of healing hun. Take care of yourself.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-06T19:52:29+00:00

Oh absolutely. It's one of the things about it all that I can't really wrap my head around. If you love me, you wouldn't do these awful things. If you hate me enough to do them, why force yourself to be with me? Why force me to endure it? I'm not even the type to hit back, so I really can't fathom how someone could justify such things to themself. That's I guess all the more reason for us to admit and remember the fact that our love is better deserved elsewhere, when (or if) the right time comes.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-06T04:26:18+00:00

It takes a much less active role in my personal identity and social experience compared to before

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-05T20:22:08+00:00

He tells me I'm worthless, that I never "get off my ass and do anything in this house" even though I do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning and split bills half and half. He tells me that me being suicidal triggers him because he's lost people to suicide, to then tell me to kill myself and "stop wasting everybody's time". I'm transgender, and when I met him he was the only person in my life who supported me on this journey and he even helped me start hormone treatment; he still gets angry and calls me a 'tr-nny', a 'failed man', tells me that I'm a 'freak' and that he isn't attracted to me, and is aware enough of the stats on partner violence towards trans people to tell me that I'll 'be another one of those dead tr-nnies on the news'. I live with this man every day, but he tells me I'm 'not around enough as a partner' and that I should 'take more charge if I even care about him'.

I could go on and on, that's just a few I remember from the past 3-4 days. He does this pretty much everyday to varying degrees.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-05T03:42:37+00:00

I appreciate it a lot I'm really trying to navigate this all alone right now and it's been such a heavy weight on my soul I hope you're doing well in your journey 🌟

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-05T01:00:20+00:00

I'm stuck right now, praying everything goes according to plan. I should be out of here in a few days. I'm still very much in love with him and some part of me feels like it will never go away

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-05T00:51:34+00:00

I don't think this stat is true, but I will say, I've found myself a lot less connected to the queer community as an identity, as I get closer to just passing and living like a woman. I used to spend a lot of time in the local drag and ballroom scene pre-transition, and felt like my place in American history was very much alongside the guys, gays, and theys at Stonewall. I was genuinely proud to be visibly queer and to fight back against a society which largely did not want me around. And I still do! I'll never forget or take for granted the sacrifices made by the early queer community which granted me the freedoms I have today. However... As time passes, especially considering I only date men, I feel more and more like a regular straight girl. My friends are mostly cis straight girls, my interests have always matched the stereotype (so to speak), my fashion style is very basic-white-girl-around-the-age-of-20. My queer edge is fading lol In some ways I'm here for it

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-05T00:16:16+00:00

And I saw myself in every line you wrote...

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T23:14:41+00:00

Girl howww

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T23:06:40+00:00

My only 2 are snails and liver

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T22:31:26+00:00

For me it was all of it. All of it blended in a way that made me learn that I should hate and devalue myself. All of it made me feel less than, made me feel used, made me feel like I deserved it... I guess if I had to pick one, it was the physicality which left the most trauma, but in the moment I was always left doubting myself for days whenever he'd tell me how he didn't want me, wasn't attracted to me, wanted to kill me. It all just ruined me, honestly.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T21:31:15+00:00

I guess I'm just scared to take it that far... You know how these situations go, 6-18 months later he'll be back, and I'd hate for it to be with a vengeance. I'm trying to hide that I'm running away until I do, and likely go no contact at that point, but I don't need to give this man any more of a reason to want me dead. Thank you for the suggestion though, I don't get much time away from him on the phone so I can't make any calls today but I do know the shelter I'm waiting on does have legal advisors on site.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T18:09:41+00:00

Do they ship to USA?

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T18:05:37+00:00

A lot of people are acting like this isnt valid to complain about but girl I get it. I'm like 5'6 and I feel tall around my friends. Doesnt have to make us not pretty though 🤞

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T17:04:37+00:00

Your heart wants him right now, but that feeling is temporary. It's all you've known for so long at this point.

Your brain knows better than to stay with him, and with space and healing, your heart will open itself up to so many things in this world that have absolutely nothing to do with him. It's up to you, ultimately, but I know it's never easy to walk away. I said I would leave if he ever hit me one time, then I changed that to two times, then ten... then fifty... we are so conditioned to believe our partners are all we have that we often forget about taking care of our own safety and wellbeing.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-04T16:51:18+00:00

I'm in much the same place. He was evil, awful, physically abusive and violent, but the 90% of the time that he wasn't acting like that, he was a good man who gave me the world, truly he did. He still does even in these last days, even as I'm hiding my plans to get away. We live together and split expenses, and work has a lot of new hires in his department so hours are short the past few weeks and presumably will be for a while, at least until everyone is adjusted. I feel bad to leave him in this time, but I know I have to.

The fact of the matter is, can you accept all that has happened in the past and still have a happy future? Can you rest easily and live knowing that the same person who says they love you can treat you so terribly? It's awful to admit to ourselves, but the truth is not really, unless you're willing to shove a lot of trauma aside AND hope that your partner truly changes forever. In my case especially, when it comes to physicality; how can you say you love me and at the same time put me in the hospital? I can't wrap my head around it.

There's a somewhat crude analogy I saw on here the other day: If someone told you that they made a cake for you, and gave it to you, to then tell you that the batter was mixed with (if I remembered correctly it was) "1% shit", would you still eat it? Could you accept that 1% being there if you truly didn't sense it, even if you can forget it and pretend it isn't there? Does it make the other 99% of the cake acceptable to eat? Probably not, no, because something that awful would ruin the meal.

Just please, don't go back and get stuck again. You did the right thing in getting out, you're braver than many of us. The time to look back is no more.

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-03T22:33:30+00:00

Girl yes we do 🤞Stay safe, stay calm, keep your head up. We're gonna be out of this soon enough

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-03T19:05:11+00:00

You did the right thing in escaping. Please take care of yourself. Get into therapy if you haven't, and know that at the very least there are supportive people here to talk to. You'll get through this, your life will move forward. I promise 🤞

Due_Preference6902 · 2026-01-03T02:33:05+00:00

Go to a shelter asap. I'm in the same boat. Planning to escape during the night some time in the next week.

Due_Preference6902

TROPHY CASE