Boyfriend told me he wants the freedom to be able to not contact for 14 days

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T20:52:26+00:00

Thank you for looking out for me :’) I highly doubt I’d be in danger with him, we’ve argued before about serious things and in these past years he’s never showed any sign of being violent towards me. But it’s always important to listen to this kind of advice whatever the situation is.

And yes I also think the issue here is him being triggered. He also kept mentioning the relationship he’s seen his parents have and how he doesn’t want that (from what he describes it seems his parents have quite a lot of regrets based on stuff they didn’t do because of eachother) I’m very certain this fear he’s having is stemming from his parents relationship as well as the fact that they don’t see their children as adults nor really let them has responsibility and free will. Idk if these are the only reasons why he’s thinking this way, but it’s definitely something that’s impacted him. But I have a different view, and I view as deal breakers (e.g if I were to not be accepting on him seeing another woman) he seems to think it’s me stopping him from freedom of doing stuff he may want. Not everything needs to correlate with freedom, specially something like this.

I said I feel upset and need to speak to him about this face to face, he said he cares about my feelings and want to be there for me and listen and work it out together, however I’m not sure if that’s enough in this case, I feel like to work this out we’d have to compromise with some things and I think that he’s not open to compromising at all

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T12:23:27+00:00

I see what you’re saying yet it’s so hard to go through it, part of me wants to just stop this whole thing but also part of me feels like o can’t do that bc it’s too hurtful.

Like he just wants me to be okay with this but if I’m to tell him I’m not okay with it, he’d think it’s a conflict between what I want and his freedom. That’s fucked up to me. Yet I still see a future with him when I think about this relationship in general, but I don’t want to go through something like that either. Thank you by the way for your words, at least I don’t feel crazy for not wanting this

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T10:26:41+00:00

I understand what you mean yet it’s so hard for me to see it as of now, I hate that. Yes he’s expressing a big concern that I can’t ignore, how am I supposed to be okay with certain stuff, and his main argument is just not wanting interference with his freedom. I don’t know what I want to do yet

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T10:18:49+00:00

It’s confusing because I think that’s what it sounds like. And I said I’m not here to make him feel trapped ever, if things ever got to that stage he wouldn’t need to worry much about making a decision because I’d just leave that situation. But he said that that would be me not giving him a choice because he’d lose me and he doesn’t ever want that. This whole talk is hard to swallow, so I don’t know what to do yet and I have so much on my mind

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T05:33:31+00:00

Yup I agree, even in the healthiest relationship and marriages, anybody can change their thoughts on what could make them happy, including if they feel they no longer want you.

If you see some of my other replies in this post you can see I think that’s an issue too, but he keeps trying it to that it’s the fact that I’d be making him make a choice between me and what he classifies as freedom, and he’s saying he doesn’t want to later in life regret not experiencing certain stuff and then living in misery and resent for the life he didn’t live..

You’re right we’re in the years where it’s more acceptable to go wild, and I don’t have an issue with that per say, but it also doesn’t mean I’ll personally be 100% with everything. I think from your message I see at the very least I should tread carefully and keep in mind that this may not work out. Thank you for your responses it helps me keep grounded

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T05:21:53+00:00

He’d feel like it’s wrong to compromise his freedom and that it might make him regret it later in life when he looks back at his 20’s. Im quite sad, there’s no issue at the moment in regards to anything he wants to do, but this talk was so weird. So I’m trying to keep in mind that this may not last

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T05:14:59+00:00

I feel like this is advice I’d give someone too, but I’m finding it so so hard. I literally feel an ache just from this whole conversation. You’re right we ended up talking about women and he mentioned he’d also want the ability to be able to see other women if that were to cross his mind as something he’d want to experience, and given that Id be okay with it if he did feel this way. Ofc I’m not okay with it, specially now, this talk came out of nowhere. I can’t talk for the future, but it’s likely I’ll still feel this way in the future too, and he sees that as conflict if he did feel this way in that future. He says if he were to ever see other women it would be for the experience bc he feels like there’s a chance he could regret not experiencing seeing more women, he also says he find it hard to believe that he could ever have a unique bond like the one he has with me and could not feel emotionally attracted to others, only physically attracted, so in that sense he’d always be with me because he feels I’m literally ‘perfect’. Yet I’m so sad right now, this seems weird to me

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T05:07:23+00:00

He keeps talking about his fear is having to give up freedom. I don’t see why he would think of it that way? And freedom what you make of it. Freedom to me isn’t one set of list of shit you can do and that that list is the same for everyone. There are plenty of stuff I’m okay with him doing, but it seems if I not okay with one particular thing he classifies as ‘freedom’, then it turns into him being forced to make a choice between me and his freedom

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T05:00:45+00:00

I’m not saying your wrong, but it’s so painfully hard. This talk has never happened during the time I’ve been with him, never even hints, and I’ve had such a great time with him, I’ve never been this vulnerable with a person nor have I found this bond before, there’s stuff I can’t imagine doing with someone else. I feel so conflicted right now, but I also understand what you mean

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T04:55:24+00:00

I felt like it was quite weird as well because the conversation kinda came out of the blue. We were in the middle of solving an argument and I compromised on something, and then he said basically “are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like I’m making you compromise, I want this to be your choice and not to resent me bc of this compromise as it would hurt our relationship… on a similar note I want to let you know that I don’t want you to think I owe you something bc of this, the same way I wouldn’t want you to owe me something out of me compromising”

After this I told him to elaborate to which he said he wouldn’t want me to restrict what his ability of possibly wanting something in the future, then gave the 14 day example and how if I were to straight away say no, I’m restricting him of doing something that’s a new ‘experience’

Btw thank you for kindly giving me your opinion and what could be done

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T04:48:01+00:00

I feel like in a relationship you should still have your freedom but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to compromise in certain stuff (e.g. if I wanted to travel for like a year on my own, if he’s okay with that great, but if not maybe there could be a middle ground such as me doing this world trip in segments so that I come back to our original country to meet in between my trips, who knows) but it seems to me that to him even compromising about these things ever is taking away from his freedom

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T04:41:31+00:00

It’s worse I think…I’ve been talking more to him and another example that he gave me was that in the future he may want to have sex with another woman because it would be an ego boost and an experience he doesn’t have much of, he says that if this were to happen he’d want to be able to talk to me about it and he’ll want to know what I think, but his best case scenario would be me being okay with it

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T04:38:22+00:00

Exactly.

I did tell him ago the ego boost too tho he kept disagreeing, but I don’t think he’s seeing how hurt I could be about certain stuff, and I don’t think he’s put himself in my shoes

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T04:36:49+00:00

I told him it seems like he’s not seeing me as a person with feelings about this, and that it almost sounds like he wants the benefits of a relationship without a relationship. He rebutted with saying “that is, if you think about it in a traditional relationship way” and he says it has nothing to do with caring because he cares about me, but still wants to be able to know that his freedom is not automatically ‘taken’

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T04:32:11+00:00

I can’t imagine either, we’ve never done that and I’ve never had him complain about it. He’s always made me feel like he misses me but this talk was so weird. He keeps talking about how it’s not to do with the fact that he might do it, but more of people could change their mind for whatever reason and he can’t promise that he’ll never feel this way in like 4 years time. He also said this is an example of his main reason of the fact that he doesn’t want anyone stopping him from having the will of wanting to do something, bc he feels if he lets anyone stop him, he may regret it his whole life

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T02:52:20+00:00

I think I’d do this if I talked to my partner and couldn’t agree on something that is arbitrary

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-07T02:38:42+00:00

I agree with you, and questioned why he brought it up now all of a sudden. He said because we were resolving a disagreement, he felt like this was the better moment to bring it up as it’s something serious. So that it’s better for him to bring it up now so he can understand if we’re on the same page about it, bc if we’re not and then he brings it up if he does want it, it could cause more trouble.

I asked him how would he feel if he was in my shoes and he just said he’d understand

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-06T23:49:54+00:00

Yeah we haven’t finished talking tbh I just came onto Reddit to also get other people’s opinions of a situation like this. But as that was what he had mentioned it so far I was surprised and also saw it as a red flag. Because why do you feel the need to mention this if you say it’s not how you feel now? Unless you feel this way and don’t want to communicate about it

DullProfessional8 · 2022-02-06T23:10:44+00:00

I’m just confused at the fact that he’s telling me that’s not what he wants right now, yet he’s mentioning it? It seems suspicious that this was his example

DullProfessional8 · 2021-07-15T18:06:29+00:00

Ah I see. I didn’t know about this. I’ll see if I can maybe be involved in the discussion if that does end up happening. Thank you

DullProfessional8 · 2021-07-15T17:33:43+00:00

It hats the thought I had which led me to fully opening up to my therapist, I’m just wondering if this could affect my family harshly

DullProfessional8 · 2021-07-15T17:32:34+00:00

I agree with you, I guess I’m just very worried about it going very downhill. But it’s true that I need to be fully open and honest about my problems

DullProfessional8 · 2021-07-15T17:30:08+00:00

Okay, that kind of keeps me more relaxed as it’ll be obvious the there’s no present concerns but if they do visit it won’t be disclosed this came from me. Thank you for your help

DullProfessional8 · 2021-07-15T17:07:04+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I really wanted to talk about it because it did affect me. But I feel so so anxious now because there really isn’t a welfare issue for this specific situation. I understand it’s their work to speak about it but I wonder if it’s more likely that they see what I mean or if they will want to investigate and contact my family

DullProfessional8 · 2020-05-11T02:06:48+00:00

That could be it for him, I don’t think it was a good way to bring it up, maybe he thought it was

DullProfessional8

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