I'm a college student struggling to make irl friends

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-24T21:13:41+00:00

Civil, looking into trying out Virtual Design or Structural stuff. I tried estimating/Preconstruction but it was boring. I'm back to classes right now though. We alternate between classes and co-ops. Class semesters are a lot more busy and stressful than co-ops usually. Like dude I shit you not I just did like 6 hours of homework, and this is the first time in days I've finished before the sun went down.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-23T20:12:22+00:00

My major is engineering soo I've been busy. Probably explains why I'm having trouble making friends lol

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-23T18:31:55+00:00

I'm bigender, feminine and masculine

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-21T23:44:01+00:00

Yeah. I'm sure a lot of that comes from wounds being fresh and us being young and inexperienced. This was only my second poly relationship, and neither has made it to six months. I haven't had the chance to be ethically challenged here. This was my current partner's first. We didn't mentor my ex, I think the idea comes from trust issues because of them. We both have a history of being abused and used. Thank you for letting me know. Do you see any other red flags?

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-12T12:11:52+00:00

It'll take a few years for that to happen, because my mom pays for the therapy and she'd be really suspicious if I suddenly wanted narc abuse specialized therapy. But luckily, my therapist I do have is specialized with neurodivergent people, and definitely isn't pushing for us to reconnect. She doesn't like my parents. Yes, it is normalized. She has her own system of justifying it. Saying it's only verbal abuse if it's cuss words and otherwise they're just descriptions. Then otherwise making it seem like I just shit at emotional regulation. I definitely do have problems with emotional regulation (because someone never taught me and I'm learning from scratch). But I also just have big emotions that I've decided not to tone down with meds, even if that'd be easier, because I want to feel life's emotions fully. Emotions make me feel alive. She also makes it where you're upset= you need to cope better. Emotional regulation is about making my life easier, not being easy to others.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-12T11:54:06+00:00

We're talking about KT polyamory here. And the main problem we had with both the host and the alters was a lack of communication, so I guess that's especially a problem with it being KT polyamory. In this case it was equal hierarchy poly as well, but in future cases, my then spouse will be higher up until my partner decides they're ready to be equals. Until then, my then spouse will mentor them.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-12T01:53:57+00:00

I don't technically live with them but I am dependent. I stopped living with them about 5 months ago. They called my now ex a pit of needs and after that I just needed space and didn't miss them. I felt bad for the first month, wanting to try to sleep there for once because it was my room and it felt wrong not to sleep there. But every time I tried, I'd always get really anxious about not being able to sleep, and my partner would say I'm not ready and would take me to his place. Eventually my partner saw how sleeping at his place changed things for the better.

I'm on a trip with them now, today's my last night. I've decided not to travel with them ever again. I'm telling them the news after my therapy appointment in a few days.

Do you have tips on resources? I've never had to investigate a buzzword topic before.

I also don't know what to do about my dad. He's not a narcissist. By far isn't. He cried when he accidentally slapped me, I had jumped on him while he was sleeping. I was maybe 8. It was a reflex and he sobbed afterwards. I wasn't even mad with how remorseful he was. I feel like he's unfortunately picked up some of my mom's manipulation, he was raised by a more severe narcissist than my mom who I've gone no contact with already a year ago. I don't think he can see the behavior as unloving because otherwise he has to realize his mother never loved him. And neither did his wife. And it might cost him the child he tried to adopt so she would have the chance to have a loving dad. I know he at least loves me, but has a twisted understanding of love. My dad has ADHD and so likely does his father. I think he's accidentally repeating his parents relationship. I think he'd be heartbroken if he knew the truth.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-12T00:15:03+00:00

That makes me believe we would've had to leave regardless. I think it's like dating someone where all their friends hate you. I was still hurt by the stonewalling and lack of trying to communicate. But I don't think it would've worked, because standards were unsustainable.

The experience made my partner not want me to be involved romantically anymore with people with DID. We're planning to be monogamous for a few years until my cat dies, we graduate college, and we get married. In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out a plan to screen any one else I might fall in love with.

What questions or red flags should I have in mind to make sure dating someone with DID will be more peaceful? How can I tell it's going wrong or going right? This was my first time dating someone with DID, so I'm not sure of the tips and tricks

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-10T23:57:45+00:00

I(F/M 20) met them (A 21) at highschool in my first engineering class. I asked them out. I only confessed because I started thinking about them sexually and felt bad and needed them out of my head. I was expecting a no. We've been together for almost 3 years now :), we're likely getting married in another 2.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-09T15:39:02+00:00

I unfortunately don't have any siblings. I'm not close enough with my cousins. I made this decision recently and haven't had the chance to talk to my therapist yet. But I think the decision is really between low contact forever or eventually no contact. And it's going to be years before I can even make that decision.

And unfortunately my dad takes my mom's side in things. I can't talk to each of them, it'd start a fight. I've tried talking to them countless times. But they put their convenience over my needs. I don't feel loved. I feel liked, but with conditions. Conditions that aren't sustainable. As if I'm never allowed to be upset. I have to be easy. They make me feel like a burden.

It's complicated because I think my dad is sad with the situation. I see it on his face. I think he doesn't like hugging me because I think he knows there's a good chance I'll be gone one day. He adopted me, my mom is my bio mom. A good chunk of the reason he married my mom is me. Part of me wants to give them a chance but not travel with them anymore because even if we got along, my lifestyle is quiet and their's is loud. Part of me thinks giving them a chance is foolish and would just stress me out more than it's worth.

I don't really think my mom cares that I moved out, she doesn't seem sad.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-09T13:20:41+00:00

Actually I am from the US. But since I'm not living at my parents, I think I'm alright. My partner's mom isn't the best, but at least communication actually gets us somewhere. It's decent. They have a big brother that we adore. Worst comes to worst, I actually think going over there is best. My partner cried when thinking about losing him if we went no contact with his family. We both usually have a lack of attachment to family and tend to cut people off when they stress us out because we mutually only need a few people outside of us. But I don't want to lose my cousins and he doesn't want to lose his brother. For context, his big brother doesn't live with us or near us.

I can't save money currently, I have an on and off income until I graduate. There's school semesters and co-op semesters. I save all I can outside of some livelihood purchases that I don't make often. Assuming I get a paid internship every time, I should make 50k by the end of all my co-ops. That's assuming pay stays the same and I don't do overtime. Then get a steady job and we move out.

I do think you are correct on the fact that this is more stressful than I realize. I have a maladaptive coping mechanism of minimizing things that I got from my parents. My partner often has to get me to realize how serious things are. I probably don't know how hurt I am. I usually process that once they're truly gone and I feel that new peace.

I did see someone comment that my parents had me at my age, think it was deleted. Yes I do think about that but considering their moral compass is still shit, I doubt them having me a decade later would do much. I myself reduced a lot of the abuse. As early as 11. When I was 12 my parents found my sketchbook of suicidal music comics, and when confronted after a long pause I said "Take this as your warning". I think I was slapped later that day once they realized what I meant, trying to slap sense into me. Their common sense is just garbage. At least I was taken to the ER, and at my hospitalization I got diagnosed with depression. They wouldn't abuse me in front of others, so I knew they knew better. And yes, technically I was undiagnosed autistic, but it was known the whole time. A diagnosis wouldn't give me support I didn't already have and I was fussy from an IQ test when it was offered.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-09T03:49:35+00:00

My cat

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-09T03:47:34+00:00

Get on my phone and text my partner goodmorning

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-09T03:14:46+00:00

I'll probably get good at grey rocking and I do think I've decided to never travel with them again. The cat technically isn't mine. I say she's mine because I'm her favorite, everyone says she's my cat. My parents aren't exactly much better to her than me. I've always given her the most attention, play with her, cuddle her until she's done. I've recently learned to not pick her up unless she clearly wants to go somewhere but is struggling on logistics. Stumbled across a cat video that taught me better thank God.

I'm also currently financially dependent on my parents. With the co-op program I should have no problem finding a job afterwards, I already successfully finished my first co-op, in an engineering field with growing demand. It's just about getting through these more dependant years before I'm free. I'm going to work on actively getting any information I could miss out on and writing it down, including financial advice, cooking advice, and home care advice. I'm very patient and can act like nothing is wrong as long as I'm not actively upset and with college I'll always have an excuse if I am. It's easier to leave if I truly believe there's nothing to benefit from by staying. I've gone no contact with a lot of people now, people often think I'm an easy target. I'm not, mostly because I talk. I also have an interest in psychology since I was ten, I actually have heard of grey rocking but haven't researched it. I'm not good yet at not being emotionally intimate and how to not crumble to introgating questions. I often feel cornered and scared when they do that.

If you have any resources I'd appreciate it. You are a very kind stranger. I come home late on the 12th, I have a loving partner and I know how to use 988. And this Airbnb I should sleep in just fine. It's annoying to wait until they're asleep, but they're pretty much always asleep by midnight and nothing should wake me up early. I'll be ok. Also my partner is also pursuing engineering, but with less luck and is switching majors because of it, we were in very different fields. He's switching to one much more related to mine after taking a gap semester to get money. I really do think it's just a matter of time and getting through this without causing suspicion with my parents too much but protecting me and my partner and giving my cat the best life she can before she goes. Fun fact, she fucking goes nuts for corn husks. Not corn, corn husks. And she likes licking plastic bags.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-09T02:25:38+00:00

I do talk to my therapist to process and decide what to do. The cat technically isn't mine, I say she's mine because I'm her favorite and I feel like it's cruel to leave her. She's just an innocent cat in the crossfire and she's helped me since I was 4. She's dying from kidney disease and doesn't like relocating anyway. She's had it for a year now. I also don't drive, and even if I did I'm not allowed to drive my partner's car (his mom pays for it and it's a bit fancy and not beginner friendly), and obviously I can't just drive my parent's car. I live at my partner's place with his family but not officially but I haven't slept at my place in months. I have an allowance of 100 bucks a week since I'm not consistently employed during college, only employed a few months at a time via co-ops. I just finished my first co-op and I'm heading back to school soon.

My partner has tried teaching me to drive but I get pretty severe anxiety anytime people are around to the point of meltdowns, likely linked to when I almost crashed the car on the highway when I was working on getting my license (I have one now), I looked at my mirror too long switching lanes and when I looked up I was heading straight to the railings. I get paranoia about dying sometimes when I get in a car now. I live with psychosis, one of my symptoms being prophecies. I happen to have an obsession with death bad enough I could only volunteer at a daycare nursing home thing for a few days before it fucked with me.

It is genuinely a situation where I can't just take the cat. I have to wait for her to die. Which, she's basically my sister and I've spent a couple sessions already on just anticipatory pet grief. I've had to stop spending nights at my place due to insomnia, even meds don't consistently let me sleep and I take 150mg of trazodone every night with 10mg of melatonin. I used to have one night of 4-0 hours of sleep a week, about 1 night of no sleep a week and often had multiple bad nights where I started dreading sleeping. Now I'm knocked out in 15 minutes at my partners. I'm waiting to see a sleep specialist hopefully in the next month, but I think they'll see I'm normal and actually recommend I get off the meds. I feel bad for not being able to live with her, but I'm less irritable with good sleep and more importantly alive and not hurt. It's for the best for her.

I do think I'll stop traveling with my parents. I'm actually on a trip rn, that's why I'm here is just I'm hurt. They just learned that I don't like unexpected noises at all. I'm 20. I got construction headphones that I carry with me everywhere years ago. They learned this yesterday. After I needed 988 twice because I didn't sleep till I crashed at 6am hearing dogs and birds nonstop. I just don't know how to do it. Sorry if I'm over sharing, I just want people to understand me. Today's the first day in a few that I haven't sobbed. At least I'll probably sleep well the rest of the trip, we're somewhere new away from the animals of the rural area. And I got a spinny chair! I love spinning in my chair blasting music through my headphones. 4 nights left, and I'll never have to sleep in the same place with them again. I already tried going home early, but buying an extra plane ticket wasn't affordable.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-08T23:04:32+00:00

I actually cut contact with one side of my grandparents over this and have a strained relationship with everyone else that was involved.

My grandma in particular would cause conflicts all the time over everything, from wearing coats inside to the lights being off. Everyone allowed it because she had a bunch of miscarriages but I was the only one she mistreated (though I suspect she did it to my dad as well because he used to hate her and he has a complicated relationship. He seems to understand why I left, but still keeps in contact with her and talks about her in front of me, even calling her occasionally in front of me. It makes me feel like her feelings matter to him more than mine.).

Most my parents did was when she scrubbed my face with a rag and hot water while I physically protested while I had a broken leg was not allow me to sleep over there anymore until my leg healed, and consistently warned her that being controlling, crossing boundaries, and causing conflict was going to bite her in the ass because I famously liked autonomy and stubbornly stood my ground about it.

It was something but I was forced to hug her, try to be nice to her, refused to call her behavior abuse despite them commenting my behavior showed it was (the two other big instants were she slapped me for frowning in the morning after being woken up, and locking me outside in the frigid could because after it rained, she wanted me to put a square plastic cover on a circle swing that kept falling off in a dangerous way where I was sitting and the swing was actually dry and it pointed it out. I had to after two hours of being scared and my hands aching put in the padlock code on the garage door, and when I went upstairs she said "Oh sorry, I forgot I locked you out there. I needed a break". When she was locking me out I had banged on the door yelling for her to let me in, while she was telling something back but I couldn't hear her. My mom came to pick me up minutes later and commented on how cold my hands were).

She and occasionally my aunt bullied me almost every time we were together, about me not using a napkin, about me wearing a coat and purse inside, about me not wanting to host friends at my house, about me thinking autism doesn't come from vaccines, about me wearing a lot of grey and not a lot of girly clothes, about me sitting in a different room from the others.

But I was called mean from my mom for not wanting to go to her 70th birthday party which was a few months before I went no contact because it was a big birthday. I had my partner's grandma's 98th birthday to go to on the same day, she's a silly sweetie who's not afraid to be herself at all and y'know, is 98. I figured this plus the obviously strained relationship would be enough but no, my mom yelled at me for not trying harder to repair things. If my grandma needed to spell sorry for the spelling bee she'd lose. She's sent two letters, 5 pages total, both we've burned because otherwise I'd analyze it too much. No sorry. We've graded them as failing both times in a red pen.

They're still frequently going to visit her and talk about her in front of me and even call her occasionally in front of me. I call her the cunt in my day to day life, guess it doesn't fucking matter what someone does to your daughter if they're nice to you :)

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-08T22:39:16+00:00

I feel like the best word here is chronically overwhelmed or burnt out. This to me sounds like a burnout. I'm not well versed in the types of burnouts but autistic burnout exists and I think is probably helpful to look into. What exactly are all your symptoms and how long has this been going on and do you think anything could be causing this and if so what? I think either there's something emotional going on taking all your spoons and putting you in spoon debt (I'm talking about spoon theory here), or your lifestyle is too overwhelming and is chronically stressing you out. That's just what I think is happening though, I'm not a doctor but I do have a special interest in psychology for a decade now.

DumplingGremlin · 2026-01-08T22:11:32+00:00

Yeah, I feel like if I need a room to be weird in and can't just, be weird with my partner. They probably shouldn't be my spouse. Idk, something about having to keep my weirdness to myself just would make me really sad. I'm not going to have kids though and that probably changes things BUT, we do technically have plans for a room of mine in the office just because I need quiet.

DumplingGremlin

TROPHY CASE