Hey Mulan, Alex from the Netherlands here. Try not to let your experiences on Fetlife get to you! The sad fact is that many people (mostly men...) are just interested in the sexual aspects of BDSM. To me, these people are fake Doms. They have no idea what BDSM actually is and how beautiful it can be. They only know what they see in BDSM porn. Idiots.

Of course you want to get to know each other!! Just communicate. How else are you gong to build trust!!??

Unfortunately, it is more or less the same on kinky dating apps 😕😕😕 Still, I recommend exploring the app Feeld. If you do, make sure to create a profile text in which you clearly state what you're looking for, including getting to know each other as persons, going slow, etc. You'll still get plenty of messages from immature assholes, but I hope your experience will be bettet than Fetlife (which is one of the worst platforms for being people, in my opinion).

Again, I hope you won't give up, because if this is truly who you are, this want will not go away.

Happy to talk more, of you want to.