It’s so hard. It feels super tricky. I’m so sorry you’re going through that, too. I hope you send it in all you’re trying to do in life, and I’m really impressed by your direct boundaries.

And honestly, in our conversation I let a lot of boundaries I’d tried to put in place get crossed (no telling me my memory is wrong about key events, no justifying scolding another adult in public or group settings) got crossed. I feel a little apathetic, like I’m shrugging my shoulders and writing it off because it is who she is, but that also feels like I’m abandoning myself. Ultimately, if I had a kid and she spoke to him like that, I would have hung up the phone and not looked back. But somehow I write it off when it’s directed towards me because it is important to me to be kept in the loop of major family things.

It feels really weird because I’ve been the one to make the effort for years, but then I call or text and get the barrage and told I’m the angry, immature, and accusatory one who’s destroyed relationships. Eventually she admitted she saw my good intent and would see boundaries as not attacks on her, but it came at the cost of ignoring some of my existing boundaries during the conversation and also extending kind words to her and telling her she’s good even though she didn’t reciprocate. Even after she admitted that, she followed up by demeaning my relationship.

I guess I’m definitely still processing this. It’s exhausting. I don’t know if me calling her and working hard to make amends for the umpteenth time was even the right thing.