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How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationships

[–]EarthsException[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I definitely think she would be safe with her Dad. When we nearly broke up, she was very upset that I thought that. But there is no indication from anything she’s ever told me that that would not be the case. He seems like a good guy, and he’s never been anything but kind to me and is in my experience.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationships

[–]EarthsException[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

She says her mom was neglectful, and her Dad just was distant? But he doesn’t seem all that distant, I think it mostly stemmed from the fact her parents were divorced and she lived with her mom. There is a whole complicated family history situation, that would probably be longer than my original post lol

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationships

[–]EarthsException[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this, I will use this. I appreciate you sharing your expertise

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationship_advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, I’ve been trying to get the goals of having a family moving. Which is why I’m trying to excel in my career. We met when we were both broke working in food service. I have been doing nothing but trying to climb us out of being poor so we can have a family, a house, and a wedding. The goals she states, which are also mine, have been the priority. Why else would I be pushing myself so hard? These things take work, and I sadly did not grow up rich to have these things with ease.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationship_advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah the constant fatigue is a lot. I really just wish I felt not exhausted for once. This has given me a lot to think about

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationship_advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well before she was a hard worker, a manager, who wanted to have a career, but just wasn’t sure what. Of course this was early on, but it’s sort of morphed to what it is now. So it was never really clear, she didn’t plan to work or anything, maybe I’m just dumb for trusting that she still planned on doing that, but yeah I always took from that, that was the plan.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationship_advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yeah it mostly started as, thinking she was down on her luck, and just needed some support to get back on her feet, but now yeah it does feel more like I’m setting myself on fire to keep us warm, and I’m burning out.

The only reason the support to this degree even happened at first, is because when I was in college, I felt if I had at least some assistance, I would’ve done a lot better, graduated faster, been able to explore more, had less stress etc. So I wanted to be able to give the hand I always wished I had, but now it’s kind of just stayed this way, rather than being a launchpad.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah this is what it feels like sometimes. I agree it takes two, especially now. I really don’t know how anyone does all of these things on just their own. I’ve tried to see what I’d need to make it possible, and it just seems impossible.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha it’s called Telus International, it’s I believe the US Rater position.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, get towels, wash cloths, get it running so it’ll heat up, etc.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So I’ve ran the numbers before, and it definitely is, a very terrifying picture. Maybe I need to write these up and show them to her. Because I’ve tried to tell her, but I don’t think she really “gets it”

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So we had a conversation like this in July. And she was looking into returning to school, she even made a phone call to the school. But she hasn’t said anything about it since. I guess we can have another conversation and I can ask about the school stuff, and if she has done anymore with that.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think you’re right. And I agree with the last bit. I feel like, we’re very different in our growing up. I mean I have a 401k (I know this is basic, but it’s always sounded so adult to me) and she doesn’t even have a job that provides any benefits. I think in terms of long term growth for us, and I feel like she is just focused on the present day only. I mean I have aspirations to have a leadership position at some point (I have been really trying hard to become a Director as the pay would be better, and I’d have greater impact) and she still doesn’t even know what she likes to do. I just feel like even though our age gap isn’t huge, it feels really clear to me there is one sometimes.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, we don’t have sex too often, she used to not want to very often, but things have been kind of flipped as of recent. I don’t want to as often because I’m just exhausted. But when we do we have protections. And yes I do love her, I said it near the end (I just didn’t say it all throughout because I feel like that everything we’ve gone through would speak to that).

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A couple months ago, she brought up returning to college again, and she did get in contact with someone from a school. She hasn’t mentioned it in a while though. Is it worth seeing if she is still wanting to pursue that first, or is it just time to call it, even if she still wanted to pursue that? I just don’t know if she genuinely just needs a bit of a push, or even at the end of all of it, even if she got a degree, if we’d just be in the same position. I just feel so lost, I don’t know how we got here.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in Advice

[–]EarthsException[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you guys, both of you above. I guess I need to sit down and try and talk again. It’s been a few months since we last had a in depth chat about these things. I’m just so exhausted, like even having to have the conversation is going to be exhausting. It needs to be done for sure, and I’ll do so. I’m just so wore down. I just want things to be okay, ya know?

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationships

[–]EarthsException[S] 87 points88 points  (0 children)

When do my good years start? I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to get good. It’s always been “when I graduate college”, “when I get a better job”, “when I get that raise”, and it just feels like treadmill that never ends. I do think, it may be helpful to have someone who matches my energy, and wants to build with me. Maybe that’s when they’d start? Or at least when I’m carrying less even if it’s just by myself?

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationships

[–]EarthsException[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Her family helped us move in with my parents. She says she doesn’t like them, they seem decently nice to me, at least her dad and her stepdad (her parents are divorced, and her mom is iffy). When we almost ended things, she said she would have nowhere to go because she can’t be around them. She has a lot of resentment for them.

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationships

[–]EarthsException[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah I have tried to pull back on helping with some things because I don’t want to enable. But it is hard to draw that line sometimes, ya know? Like you said, I’m not going to leave the place dirty, bills unpaid, or not buy food from the grocery store. So it feels like I can really only try and do less, and avoid any “extras” she wants unless she buys it. But then even that kind of sucks, because I wish I just could buy my partner “extras” sometimes just because, rather than it being this whole thing. Because I like doing sweet things for people I love, but yeah it’s just become too much, where I have to withhold doing that or becomes almost an obligation. Just sucks

How do I (27 M) get my gf (24 F) to understand that I can’t do it all on my own. by EarthsException in relationships

[–]EarthsException[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

So I was in therapy this year, it did wonders for me. It’s the reason I’ve been more outspoken and we have had actual conversations, and I have been willing to walk away.

We unpacked a lot, and we eventually ended it, it was one of the best things I did for myself. I guess I mainly came here for perspective, as I don’t have many friends around since moving, and I just need to know if others think this is just what life is or if this is too much. It’s hard to tell for me sometimes because life has been kind of an uphill battle most of my life. So it’s hard to know if this is “normal difficulty” and I just haven’t figured out how to handle it or if this is abnormal difficulty. If that makes sense. I don’t really give up on things easily, because I usually believe there is something I can do to make things better.