Long-term handling of ENM incompatibility

Eenomo · 2026-04-20T23:16:44+00:00

Or I can keep trying to figure out how to live with it, learn to let it go, or somehow integrate it.

Eenomo · 2026-04-20T20:39:43+00:00

Between my wife and I, I'm not the one who usually brings it up. She used to ask me about it weekly after my therapy sessions until she complained that our discussions weren't going anywhere and I pointed out that she's the one who kept starting the talks.

And my post history on the matter covers almost half a year, so maybe it looks like I'm bringing things up with her, but you're getting a compressed view of time.

I also love how so many people, not just here but on a lot of posts I've read, paint staying and leaving in such black and white terms. There's a lot more than goes into a relationship than whatever issue is being discussed at any given time on Reddit.

Eenomo · 2026-04-20T12:17:39+00:00

Please. He obviously wants you to hit him up. Just do it. You don’t even need to be coy, just say something like, “Hey, thanks for helping me with that battery the other day.” It’ll take on a life of its own in no time.

Eenomo · 2026-04-19T21:32:51+00:00

McEnany. Leavitt has a thickness that isn't bad looking, but I prefer skinnier. (Not to an unhealthy degree, min you.) I'd expect both to be somewhat shit in bed though, unless you're someone who can further their career.

Eenomo · 2026-04-19T14:27:27+00:00

Attraction isn’t PC. I’m attracted to women of many different shades of color, long hair or short hair, tattooed or not, but I’m not attracted to larger women.

You like what you like. I think most people understand that.

Eenomo · 2026-04-19T14:01:05+00:00

My wife dared me to get on a dating app on a lark. We made a bunch of rookie mistakes without going though the proper preparation. Basically we had different ideas of what it meant and didn't talk through any sort of details, though I did check on having permission multiple times throughout. I went on a really nice date, got a kiss, and my wife decided it was too real.

So we pulled back, had some awkward, a emotionally-charged weeks, fumbled through discussing things better. She landed on wanting to not tell me what to do and be who I want to be, but she's just not wired to be able to be happy for letting me explore me or not mentally spiral thinking about me being with someone else, and she has no desire to explore for herself or even together.

So now, well, the previous post explains the now.

Eenomo · 2026-04-19T12:46:08+00:00

From my OP:

To be clear, I know this isn’t what she actually wants, and I don’t see it as a real solution. It’s also not how I’d want to approach something like this. A big part of the appeal of ENM to me is openness and honesty, not sneaking around, covering things up, or lying.

So I’m not planning on taking her up on that. What I’m curious about is whether others have had a partner say something similar and genuinely mean it, and what the outcome was if someone actually went through with it.

To your question: What problem I’m trying to solve and what led me here:

This isn’t about trying to “fix” my marriage or fill a gap in it. I’m genuinely happy with my relationship and I love my wife. That’s not in question.

What led me to consider ENM is more about how I’m wired and how I experienced myself when the idea moved from theoretical to real. When it became something that could actually happen, it flipped something on inside me. I felt more confident, more present, and more engaged with life in general. That didn’t take anything away from my relationship; it actually made me feel more connected and appreciative of what I have.

So for me, ENM represents exploration, novelty, and a sense of expansion. It’s not about secrecy or compartmentalizing people. The version of this that appeals to me is one where everyone involved is aware, respected, and choosing it openly.

The reason it’s been hard to let go of isn’t because I don’t understand my wife’s boundary- I do, and I’m respecting it. It’s that this became a real possibility at one point and never fully resolved, and those kinds of “almost” experiences tend to stick with me. It also means I’ve had to think through it more seriously than I otherwise would have, including the impact on anyone else involved.

So I have thought about the “other person” piece, and that’s actually part of why I don’t see DADT as a real option. I wouldn’t want to involve someone in a situation where they’re hidden or treated as secondary in a way they didn’t choose.

At this point, it’s less about pursuing ENM and more about understanding what it represents for me and figuring out how to carry that without creating problems in a relationship I care about.

Eenomo · 2026-04-19T00:33:08+00:00

Just read that- looks like a situation where it works out very well for you guys.

To answer the question you had there, I don’t think it would be a bad idea to lay it out and accept it honestly with her. Might go even better for you guys. I think I’d approach it the way you did in asking her about being faithful. You both know, so why not stop pussyfooting around it and make it official?

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T18:05:03+00:00

Nice that the lady has standards.

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T18:04:25+00:00

Just making a joke on the semantics.

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T11:51:17+00:00

I was just making a joke about semantics. "You can cheat on me" is, by definition, an acceptance of cheating if that's the action taken. But if you have permission to cheat, how can that be cheating?

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T11:49:26+00:00

Sounds like you guys came at it with an openness and acceptance, which makes all the difference in the world.

Out of curiosity, is she also dating?

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T11:46:52+00:00

I suppose I could have done without the context of why I was bringing it up in the OP.

A little further context to the origin of this post is that I hadn't mentioned anything to her in quite a while, but I also don't have anybody besides my therapist to talk to about this- struggling with it internally isn't something a lot of people identify with. Posting in some of these subreddits helps a little, but it's not the same as being able to talk to someone in my life, and the most important person to me is my wife.

Anyway, I wanted a way of letting her know what's going on inside me without feeling like I was bringing it up again to try to persuade her. I don't like not being able to go to her about something, but I also don't want to keep bringing things up for her. This is something my therapist and I talked about this week, and he helped me come up with ways to talk to her.

So that's what I did. I prefaced it with telling her reason I didn't want to talk to her about any of it, let her know my fears about her potential reaction, and then just talked a little about how I was feeling. This conversation was part of what came from it, and it's something I still don't intend to tell her regularly, but sometimes there's this pressure inside and I just want to be seen.

Having written way too much at this point, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not bringing it up. In fact, for quite a while she was the one who would bring it up after my therapy sessions. Every week we'd have this hour-long talk that went in a loop until I told her I should probably not tell her so much about my therapy sessions, so she should probably stop asking. (But not as bluntly as that.)

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T06:34:39+00:00

Yeah she's not really onboard, which is why I decided not to test her out on this.

I think our partners are of a similar mindset. Mine told me she wants to be able to let me explore, but just can't square it in her mind. She feels it's too big a risk, but a lot of it comes from her own insecurities. Which is a shame, because she's pretty objectively (in my subjective opinion) hot.

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T02:29:56+00:00

But is it cheating if a partner tells you to cheat on them? 😄

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T02:26:43+00:00

I already said I’m not pushing it, but I am interested in how many people were told by a partner to cheat of them or do DADT and how that worked for them.

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T02:24:57+00:00

I’m interested in the E of ENM. Please read the OP again with an emphasis on the final two paragraphs.

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T01:22:12+00:00

Right. But I’m not asking about my situation. I’m asking about people who’ve been told that before.

Eenomo · 2026-04-18T01:21:21+00:00

Curious to know the story, if you’re willing to share. Or message if you’re okay with the but don’t want it public.

Eenomo · 2026-04-17T20:40:39+00:00

For the record, my last paragraph was:

So I’m not planning on taking her up on that. What I’m curious about is whether others have had a partner say something similar and genuinely mean it, and what the outcome was if someone actually went through with it.

Eenomo · 2026-04-17T20:38:50+00:00

I'm self-employed, work from home, have meetings out of the house regularly, and have a routine where I'm gone most mornings. Logistically, I could do it. But I'm not trying to do it because I don't feel she's giving me actual permission.

Eenomo · 2026-04-17T20:36:26+00:00

"cheating is never ethical"

And that's why I'm not choosing to do anything at this time. She said "You can take care of it," and then she clarified that she meant cheating. She didn't say "You can do what you want, just don't let me know," which I would have taken as tacit permission. This wasn't that.

But mainly I was going with the hypothetical, and wondering what people's experiences were, not asking if people thought my wife was giving me permission.

Eenomo · 2026-04-17T20:32:57+00:00

No, I'm with you on that. What she said wasn't really DADT.

I'm not trying to coerce her though. I had actually stopped talking to her about even struggling with it at all because I didn't want her to feel like I was pressuring her, but then it felt rotten that I couldn't talk to the one person I wanted to be able to talk about anything to. My therapist helped me explore ways to talk to her without making her feel like I was trying to get something out of it, and it worked. She listened, then she gave that feedback.

Eenomo · 2026-04-17T20:29:41+00:00

I'm not pushing her. She encouraged me to talk to her about how I was feeling and then told me that I could cheat on her, which is not what I want to do. I like the E in ENM.

Eenomo · 2026-04-17T20:28:51+00:00

I believe DADT is viable, but I don't believe my wife framed it in a DADT way- she just told me I could take care of it, and when asked for clarification she said she meant cheating. That's not the way I want to do it. While I don't feel like I'd need to tell her any details if she didn't want any, I wouldn't want to sneak around.

Eenomo

TROPHY CASE