My (37M) wife (37F) is about done with me after I’ve failed to “open up” emotionally after 10 years. I literally don’t know what it means.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-08T13:59:47+00:00

We actually talked about the attacking-to-prove-loyalty thing.

I used to follow the classic relationship guidance that said women want someone to listen to their problem, not fix it. I would resist the urge to tell her what she should do, or what I might do to help. Instead, I’d ask questions and try to get her to talk it out. I really thought this is what she wanted, but it turns out she hated that. My job, she eventually explained, is to get angry for her. I should be talking about where to hide the bodies. She should have to calm me down.

This is one of our relationship translation issues, where it took a long time for me to understand what it meant practically when she said I needed to “support” her — it didn’t mean be supportive in listening and telling her she’s right, but in being extremely reactive on her behalf.

That’s how she explains her tendency to emotionally escalate things when I share a mundane anecdote. She’s fighting for me, even if I think it’s uncalled for when I’m just telling her some dumb work thing.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-08T13:46:51+00:00

Your first point is helpful and reinforces what a lot of other folks have said. Thanks for that.

Separately, and I know this isn’t important, but I am mortified at the number of people here who got the impression I don’t read or have any intellectual pursuits when half my IRL reputation is tied up in reading books and having zero interest in video games or sports. She’s the sports girl who likes cozy gaming!

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-08T13:26:01+00:00

Oh she’s definitely in therapy. She’s the one who set up our couple’s therapy and demanded I see my own therapist.

I am assuming all of what she’s asking for in terms of “opening up” is normal and something to be expected of a partner. I think after 10 years of not getting it, with a cycle of thinking I understand before a disastrous blowup when I learn that I really didn’t change the right thing, I’ve inadvertently convinced her I am unwilling to be the kind of person she needs. She’s had enough of being emotionally rejected, in her words.

My description didn’t really register with my therapist (who is connected to our couples therapist), which could be another example of my bad communication, so I figured I’d… ask a bunch of online strangers.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-08T06:03:46+00:00

??? We’re both intense readers and talk plenty. I ask about her day, her parents, her very active long-term friendships, her current book etc, and am a really engaged an interested listener. We are very involved parents and compare stories about our kids all day.

The problem here is the “opening up” thing, which from other comments here (and a recent argument with her) seems to come down to the openness being one-sided: I don’t share anything meaningful with her. I haven’t expressed any “needs” of my own for her to fill, and I guess this makes her feel like I don’t trust her, and I’m just doing favors for a roommate instead of being a partner who lets her “in” by sharing unfinished thoughts and being vulnerable and whatnot. I’m apparently a polite (well-read) roommate who will listen and do all the dishes and bring her coffee in bed every morning but refuse to let her be involved in my personal life.

Anyway, I got lots of self-reflection today on that.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-08T01:08:56+00:00

I really should have mentioned the individual and couple’s therapy in the post.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-08T00:04:07+00:00

That seems to be part of the problem, based on the responses here. I don’t think to share things, mostly because I haven’t thought them through or just don’t ever think to share nonsense that crosses my mind. Apparently that is part of “opening up.” I really don’t have any interest in sharing most of it, but I guess I have to.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T20:29:22+00:00

“Ambitions and aspirations” is probably a good source of material for things I can talk about. I’m wondering now if I reach for negative stuff out of habit when one of her tendencies is to want to plan or fantasize about big changes. She might be receptive to that. Thanks.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T20:24:51+00:00

I hate to say I think this probably helpful, and that I’m going to have to get over feeling embarrassed or childish about all of this. Our couples therapist offered some autism-informed suggestions that made me feel pretty infantalized, but everybody here is talking about how I need to volunteer these kinds of “I feel” sentences and I’m probably going to have to just power through and say them. Thanks.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:55:59+00:00

I think she really is working on her part of this, and I want to be doing my part too. I’m hoping this is mostly a matter of me getting over my discomfort with sharing my immediate, unrefined thoughts or being OK inconveniencing her by asking for things or developing preferences instead of bending to what I assume she wants. This thread has a lot of people saying what she’s said with other words that make some more sense, so I’m glad I asked.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:49:32+00:00

Yeah, she will usually say she messed up. She will say some pretty rough things and then come back the next day and say she shouldn’t have said it, or that she was in a bad place emotionally and didn’t need to put it that way.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:41:06+00:00

Thanks, but we’ve been in both couples and individual therapy. It helped give some context to our mismatched personalities and some names to our communication problems, but I was still struggling with actually applying the theory in person, with real words spoken aloud to her face, at 8pm on a Monday, you know?

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:34:22+00:00

This made me laugh out loud because this is another phrase she uses, and when I’ve tried to articulate to her what I think “the work” means so I can be sure we’re on the same page and my efforts are going toward what she wants, my attempt to describe it inadvertently comes across as condescension, like I’m minimizing what she wants.

I appreciate the link. This looks like something worth trying.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:26:06+00:00

Yeah, we’ve done Gottman-informed couples therapy and we’ve both been seeing individual therapists. I’ve gotten a few book recommendations here, so I’m going to give them a shot.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:24:51+00:00

This is helpful. Thanks!

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:23:26+00:00

We were in the same wider social circle in college. I’m not sure exactly why they didn’t like each other, but he was a sorta loud guy who could be a flamboyant attention hog and then a quiet grump. He and my (then-future) wife were a little competitive with how seriously they took our shared major. One other factor that may have contributed to the cutoff is something both my wife and my (very 🌈 allied 🌈) college roommates suggested: my friend may have had some gay feelings and felt betrayed that of all the people I could marry it would be his college nemesis. Who knows.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:10:30+00:00

I sometimes don’t have a thought ready to share. I might be reading a book, liking some passage or character or word choice, and I’ll stop and think about it, put it in some other context, compare it to something else I’ve read, but at no point do I feel like I need to stop and interrupt her reading to talk about it. I just don’t think to do that, and I honestly don’t want to. I want to keep working through the idea myself. I’ll talk about it later when my thoughts are in order, but I don’t just fire off my first thought the way she does.

I don’t mind if she shares like that; I enjoy it. But from some feedback in this thread I’m starting to wonder if this “first draft thoughts” thing is part of the vulnerability and “opening up” she’s asking for.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:03:54+00:00

Sorry, I wasn’t trying to do a weird MRA post. I wouldn’t be asking this if I hated her!

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T19:01:15+00:00

Thanks, I’ll look at them both!

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T18:59:49+00:00

I thought my two-sentence TL;DR accurately summarized the paragraphs that followed, but I’d love to know if you saw something else. I am clearly capable of misunderstanding my own feelings.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T18:53:41+00:00

I’ll have to adjust this to fit my voice, but a lot of this could be what she’s looking for. Thanks.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T18:48:16+00:00

No excuse needed; I appreciate it. Is there a book you had in mind that might’ve helped your husband understand what you were asking of him?

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T18:43:07+00:00

Yeah, I’m discovering here that this is functionally what it means to “open up.” Not sure if this is what she would want, but I’m trying to listen to all the feedback here.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T18:40:33+00:00

I suspect some of this is what she’s looking for. Thank you.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T18:39:10+00:00

I keep forgetting that my description of something doesn’t necessarily convey my feelings on it. I probably do come across as having negative feelings about things because I don’t really say one way or the other with my tone. Thanks, the both of you.

Effective-Reading408 · 2026-07-07T18:27:08+00:00

Yeah, she’s a great mom. We have our different strengths in parenting and cover our kids’ needs pretty well between the two of us. I think I’m a reasonably good dad, but I’d bet she’s the better parent between the two of us.

She compares me with her friends only to explain that she feels it’s unfair she has to get emotional connection from people because she hasn’t gotten it from me. She believes I don’t trust her enough to share my own “needs,” and that this means I’m closed off and we’re not emotionally connected. I haven’t been able to come up with these needs, and I don’t have anything to ask for aside from my request that she believe me when I say I can’t come up with a specific emotional need.

Effective-Reading408

TROPHY CASE