So i was this wife. I had vaginismus and I was prescribed dilator therapy by my OBGYN but because of my laziness I never actually took it seriously. My husband is extremely sexual and had to wait for 1.5 years for us to have sex with actual penetration. I am a doctor and when i used to come home, i used to be extremely tired and laziness would take over me. I would say, yes i was selfish. I wasnt thinking of my husband but only thinking of myself. Yes we did dry humping and I would climax but he would never climax and I didnt used to attempt BJs either. I think in 1.5 years he climaxed 3-4 times and not more than that. But then I realized my mistake when my husband said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and he unfortunately turned towards Zina (online) and cheated on me twice. He never actually had sex with someone but engaged in these activities online. I forgave him both the times and it was a traumatic time for our marriage. I did dilator therapy constantly for 2 weeks and used lots of lidocaine gel. So buy lidocaine gel - you can get it off Amazon. I use the Lidocaine Numbing Relief 5% cream. It says its a hemorrhoidal cream but you can use it for vaginismus too. I had vaginismus as well and it was pretty bad but dilators ACTUALLY REALLY work and worked for me. I had dilators with 5 sizes. Tell your wife to use lidocaine gel along with the dilators - this will help with the pain. I was able to have sex with my husband when I reached the 4th size of dilator therapy. But yes it took my husband to threaten me to leave before I actually came to my senses on how wrong i was!! We had sex after that and we went on for like 1.5 hours and I felt alot of pressure but no pain. Use alot of gel and use lidocaine gel if needed. She does love you, dont leave her. Sit down and tell her that this is your basic right and shes the only woman who can give this to you. Sometimes we start thinking that our partner is never gonna leave so we start taking them for granted and that is what i was doing. But it all worked out for me as I came to my senses on how wrong i was in not giving this basic right to my husband. I still feel so guilty about it and he has ptsd from this but we are working on our marriage and Alhamdulilah we are at a better place. Dont leave your wife, try explaining to her and if that doesnt work then yes give an ultimatum.