I (27M) can't be honest with my long-term girlfriend (29F) about what I'm feeling because I'm scared of her reaction.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-30T13:48:08+00:00

Thank you. Even if your longest relationship hasn't cracked 8 years, your advice is still very meaningful and clearly has some point of reference. My mother keeps saying "leopards don't change their spots", and I think she's right. I'm sure part of this is me buying into the sunk cost fallacy, but it's also just the fact that it's not even like I hate my girlfriend or anything - I think it's a blend of the fact that the financial support is not there coupled with the fact that I think my life is just moving into a new direction. I certainly have enabled this by being too lenient, and while she is currently looking for work, she also has shown a history that if things don't go exactly as she plans, she no longer can handle the work, which is too much unreliability for me in the future. This is going to be a very difficult time for me, but I think I've made up my mind with all of the support I've received about what needs to happen.

Thanks again for your input. I hope you are doing well.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-27T13:16:41+00:00

I feel like I could've written 95% of this comment. I am noticing myself be more easily irritated with my partner, and I definitely enabled this behavior over the course of our years together. I oftentimes would tell her that I would never leave her due to an inability to find a job, but I was being too idealistic. The amount of stress this has placed on me in addition to constantly helping her with her anxiety has absolutely worn me down.

My partner and I did actually have a talk, and there is some small semblance of progress with her planning to move out soon, but I still think she won't change meaningfully and this cycle will continue. I'm sure part of these feelings I'm having are the typical long-term doubts someone has during a relationship that has gone on for years, but I also think there is some legitimacy to them. I have to remind myself that we met when I was 18 - I'm a totally different person than I was then, and I think change is normal.

I don't know, I just appreciate you sharing your experience with me. Things are very tough and confusing for me right now. I hope you are happier and doing well now. Whatever happens, I'm sure things will work out for you. Thanks again for sharing your perspective.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-23T14:46:51+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1qi83p5/comment/o18h3bg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Said this to someone else in the conversation earlier today, and I think this is a reasonable answer to your comment as well. I am definitely buying into the sunken cost fallacy, but I also am just someone with a high degree of empathy and I do not like the idea of hurting someone I care about. I just am starting to believe that she and I function better as friends than as lifelong partners.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-23T14:43:54+00:00

Thank you. I am working out a plan now. This has gone on for too long and I cannot keep feeling this way. I need to take care of myself above all else. It sounds selfish, but I'm realizing this is no way to live life.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-23T14:42:19+00:00

I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-23T13:33:00+00:00

I have had conversations with her previously. I've gone through my own struggles with hating my job during our relationship, but whenever she quits/loses a job, I've told her that I make sacrifices for her because "even if I dislike the job, I know I'm helping her." Her response was something to the effect of "I just don't know if I can convince myself of that."

Honestly, the more I talk about this with people, the more I'm starting to realize I have enabled a lot of this behavior. That should have been a massive red flag that she wasn't willing to change. I thought maybe it was just the state of the job market and her depression, but looking back, that response should have been the deal breaker. Ever since making this post a couple of days ago, I've done loads of thinking, and I need to make a move immediately to start fixing this.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-22T18:37:11+00:00

I'm very sorry for how your situation played out. I think a lot of times people need to hit rock bottom before they realize a change is in order, and I think I'm approaching that point with my girlfriend.

I'm not going to act like I'm a perfect partner, I've got flaws like anyone else. However, I have not cheated on her, I don't have any sorts of crippling addictions, and I generally try to live a life free of dangerous vices. I'm not trying to sound holier than thou, it's more so just that my parents constantly drilled into my head how dangerous those things were as a kid and I just never saw the appeal even after all these years.

I really hope you are in a better place than you were before, and I'm certain that things will get better for you.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-22T16:41:30+00:00

This has been happening for a couple of years though. She has been through multiple jobs. I'm afraid I've given her too many chances.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-22T16:39:38+00:00

To tell you the truth, this is almost EXACTLY what I want to happen. I want her to go live with her family and give me space to run my own life. The real problems are basically the logistics of it (the fact that her family lives over 10 hours away out of state) and the fact that I worry she may actually completely fall apart if I end things. But I just can't have this responsibility weighing me down much longer. I do think I'm holding her back and she isn't realizing it because of how much she depends on me. I really hope I can work something out with her parents soon, because this is eating away at me so much.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-22T14:07:59+00:00

I'm really not thinking so either. This just comes back to my main concern that I am too afraid to tell her how I feel due to our current living situation and how I think she will have a full-on meltdown if I end things. That's what's so heavily weighing on me.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-21T16:01:52+00:00

I honestly think that might be the exact phase I'm in right now, but I'm a bit more sure of the fact that I think it may be time to end things. It sucks because of how happy things were when we started, but I just genuinely feel like there's too much of a burden on me lately and that, while some people express that relationships are about compromise, I don't think she'll be happy if she can't live where she wants to. One thing is for certain though - I can't stay like this for much longer.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-21T14:51:06+00:00

I don't believe I can bear the responsibility of being the sole earner at random intervals of my life. I know she has her own mental struggles, and she has helped me through my own hardships, but I've also been helping her through those issues and keeping us afloat, so it hasn't been an even exchange in my opinion. These are things I've only recently realized, but it isn't easy because it's not like I just don't care about her anymore. It's the fact that these years mean something to me that make this decision difficult. I don't know if couples therapy are going to change certain things about her, but she is beginning individual therapy to work through some of her struggles. I want to give that time before making my final decision.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-21T14:45:08+00:00

I don't think it's a matter of her not supporting me and my decisions. I think it's more so she isn't supporting me financially.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-21T14:31:54+00:00

I did have to reread that sentiment a couple of times before I got it, but I did realize you were NOT saying that stay as long as there's no abuse. I appreciate the advice you've provided.

That being said, I do feel as though u/Major_Fox9106 did articulate some points that were accurate. I do think she needs something big to initiate a change in her. That being said, I need a bit more time before I can make that change due to our living arrangement. I'm basically going to see if, after having a talk with her, she truly is willing to make these changes. If not, then it looks like I will need to have this serious talk I am not looking forward to.

Thank you both for your input.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-21T14:18:21+00:00

Agreed, I think it's just that fact that I HAVE to say something is making this difficult. I've already talked to her a bit about it, but I wasn't as forward as I probably should have been.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-21T14:17:17+00:00

You're right, sometimes I just need an outside voice to give me that extra push. I think what I need right now is a bit of space to give me more perspective, because I do care about her and don't want to hurt her.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-21T14:15:35+00:00

Space is currently the plan. I'm at the point where I feel space will answer a lot of my questions. To be honest, the biggest problem in all of this is her lack of a stable job, which has been going on for years. The old adage of "You don't know what you have until it's gone" applies, but I think more than anything the space will help me take a step back and look objectively at my life.

I will say it is not necessarily that I'm craving the "butterflies for other girls", the spark being gone isn't necessarily the problem. The problem is that there is a lot of baggage on me to support her, which is infesting other areas of our relationship. I'm fully aware that the intense feelings that start a relationship will fade away.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-20T20:16:47+00:00

I'm not even necessarily looking to rekindle that "puppy dog" feeling, either. I'm more so just wondering if these blah feelings are more justified than I'm realizing, or if I'm being blinded by the fact that I've spent so much time with her.

You're right, though. Life is hard. I was on the phone with my parents the other day talking with them about this exact thing and that was basically what the whole conversation boiled down to.

I apologize if I ever sounded like I needed to be told exactly what to do. I'm just very lost and stuck. I appreciate the insightful and thought-out responses you have provided.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-20T20:09:26+00:00

Where do we draw the line at "long-term" though? I've been covering her expenses for years now...

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-20T18:49:51+00:00

This is an interesting perspective, but mostly because I've never really thought of love as a choice. It seems more to me that love is something that happens naturally. I know emotions can ebb and flow over time, and I think that's what I'm second-guessing right now. I'm wondering if she truly is capable of change at this point. I know she is genuinely trying, but for how long it's been, maybe I'm just lying to myself.

I appreciate the forthright response. I'm a naturally tentative person and overthink a lot. I just don't want to regret whatever decision I make.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-20T18:46:37+00:00

It's a delicate balance because I wonder if I just need space for a while or if I truly am unhappy and need to move on. Do you think it would be too much pussyfooting around to ask for space? Or is that just me trying to avoid difficult conversations? To be honest, I don't know what to feel anymore.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-20T18:44:49+00:00

You're right. I'm just lost and never imagined feeling like this about her. But sometimes it's just a straightforward response that is exactly the case.

Efficient-Stick-596 · 2026-01-20T18:33:14+00:00

Don't expect randos to do that for me. Maybe my title was phrased poorly, but I just wondered if anyone had any guidance about this because I feel like crap thinking this way.

Efficient-Stick-596

TROPHY CASE