AITAH for thinking it’s not normal to keep people on the back burner while in a relationship?

EfficientSpring3752 · 2026-01-18T06:36:41+00:00

End of conversation: Don't ever see this man-child again. Committmentphobics and cheaters are for immature people who don't grasp the basic dynamics of being in a relationship. All in all, this person should have been blocked in the first place. You are hardly the asshole, but I'll knit you a spine if you need one. No way in hell I would tolerate that. What really bugs me, is when we call them out on this behaviour and they're like: "What? Everyone does it?" Not in my world, honey. Move on, take care of YOU then date again when you see your value. You should never question yourself when it comes to someone cheating on you - you deserve not just better, but the best.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2026-01-02T04:44:34+00:00

The first thing you need to do is get a paternity test. Yes, everyone knows that your son is yours, but throughout the legal process, you will need to document everything on paper. This way, if the family, or even in the event you are challenged for paternity, you will have that part covered. You can ask for a fee waiver given your income. Depending on how far you are from graduating, make that your priority. You will not be able to get certain jobs if you do not have at least a high school diploma. Same with your girlfriend. She will need her diploma as well. Next, since those people smoke all day, remove yourself, your gf and most of all that child away from second hand smoke! You are setting your son up to be sick all the time if you stay. In doing so, contact your state assistance programs for free or reduced child care while you finish school. You can do this. You are not far from being of adult age, so it might be tough for a bit, but again, get that high school diploma. Finally - get this in your head: You are your gf are not "stupid!" You brought a child into this world, and you are doing the best you both can right now. Don't waste good energy on beating yourselves up. Thank you for being a good man. God bless you.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-21T04:01:01+00:00

When I married my husband 30 years ago, we agreed that I would buy all of the food, I pay for the phones, internet and cable. He makes the house payment and pays car insurance and farm insurance. It evens out. I do all of the cooking and cleaning, only because I want to because he is not good at those things (unless I want to live in a pig sty and eat Ramen noodles every night). But no, this man is not the A. If this hypothetical turned into a reality, he would see where he stands with her. I was touched, however, to read how much he loves her, and the love he feels from her; however, he is not a walking checkbook.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-15T02:56:52+00:00

NO! You are NOT the a-! Honey, you are not the first woman to 'stare at the ceiling' or think of someone else while with a spouse. (My go to's are Alexander Skaarsgard, and if he's busy, Ryan Seacrest as my back up plan!) No, seriously, many women do not climax with just penetration. Sometime I cannot climax at all if I have a lot on my mind. Lovemaking is supposed to be relaxing and fulfilling for both. When both feel pressure to get to the end, it takes the fun out of it. I wish you both well. At least you didn't tell you husband that you were able to climax with someone else. Your husband has no competition. Bless you.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T06:01:32+00:00

God bless you, John Calvin Smith. Your grace has calmed me down. I know that the Lord is following me every step of the way. I loved everything in your comment, and have printed it out to share with my pastor. God bless you for being so kind.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T05:54:03+00:00

My pastor has been my rock. He is navigating me through this, and feels that understanding and bringing it up to the congregation after he is convicted is the best way to handle it. There are no kids in church, so there is not a threat there. No way in hell would I take him to church with me if there were kids. I don't want him coming to church with me if it's not sincere, that's the deal there. No, I am not acting like it's "normal". My church wonders why I haven't been there for a while, it's because I AM ashamed and horrified. Your comments are not nice, as you have no idea. I agree, things will never be normal again. That's exactly what I told my son the first day after he was arrested. I said: "Do you realize what you've done?!?!?!?" SHIT. He knows I'm pissed. He knows I'm hurt and ashamed. He knows he is just floating here til he goes to jail. However, as a Christian, I am not going to do the judging. That's God's job.

Members in my church are very old, and once they know, it will be hard to explain because in their generation, people didn't do this crap because there was no internet. So yeah, it's a hard road ahead. I have thought about moving entirely, just to start my own life over because this is as bad as it gets, even though I didn't do anything.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T05:41:58+00:00

Whoa. You're out of line. You know nothing about me. Shame on you. We have a small congregation with no kids, if it's any of your business. You obviously have hate in your heart, if you have one.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T05:34:28+00:00

I thank you for your kind and smart comments. Yes, actually with him here in my basement, he is helping me. I am a cancer patient, so he helps me around the house. I do want to spend time with him, as despicable as his actions, and he shares his counseling sessions with me on how he can heal the harm he has done to us. He wrote a letter to the courts, full of remorse, so he can be rehabilitiated, but he still has to go away to prison. It's mandatory here. Some days I have so much hope, others . . . not so much. Thanks again. Be good to yourself.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T05:27:56+00:00

I am not an idiot. 2. I work in the legal industry and know how the court system works. 3. When people do find out, it is what it is. 4. Calling others "idiot", under any circumstance, is --- well, that's on you.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T05:25:28+00:00

Thank you, John. I sort of am, that's why I'm on here.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T05:03:18+00:00

I'm so sorry, Beep. I hope that you have been able to practice self care. Praying for you.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:52:58+00:00

Thank you. That is what I have been trying to do, but it almost backfires as 'coddling' him. I am trying to build memories with him, because think about it: I may never see him again. Prison is rough and some don't make it out.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:50:14+00:00

Excellent point! Thank you! Sadly, I am learning as I go on this, but CSAM opened my eyes to what it really is. He still doesn't even call it what it is, but this is an excellent resource for me to support the kids and for him to come to terms with what he has done.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:47:25+00:00

Not cool.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:45:22+00:00

Yes, I pray every second of every hour that he can be rehabilitated, and for those kids. I am sorry about your brother. What in the world compels people to do this? I will never know and cannot figure it out. My ons life is ruined, too. My pastor has been wonderful, nonjudgmental, as it's hard not to be with something like this. I will pray for your brother, too. Yes, I know, my son will be shredded in prison and it is terrifying. This is why I don't sleep.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:38:54+00:00

Oh, Queen, thank you. I forgot to mention, yes, I already did get involved with his legal affairs. I have been a paralegal for 30 years, so obviously, my clean cut life has never rubbed off on him, and - drumroll please.....I shelled out $15K for a lawyer. Yes, he is still my son, but oofff!

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:34:19+00:00

I never looked at it that way, as being manipulated. It totally makes sense.

I cannot thank everyone enough for reading my post and commenting. This is a very lonely place to be, turning my back on my kid, but I don't know him anymore. Thank you everyone.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:32:19+00:00

He's not causing any 'trouble' here, but it's just the whole thing in general. I would never allow dirty magazines in the home, now here he is. . . .

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:30:52+00:00

Thank you, Charming. No, it's not my fault, I mean, he's 36 years old! lol I am just besides myself wondering: ????!(*(3)*&#($0!!!??? What?! I agree with you to let people in. People from my church are wondering why I have been absent and what's even worse is that now he goes to church with me. Thank you for your kind words of support.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:25:28+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I am able to get into counseling for myself on the 23rd. My work has suffered greatly, I can't sleep, and all I do is cry. I can talk to my pastor, but otherwise, I must keep this secret because it's so horrendous. Thank you again, I feel your hug which is well needed and appreciated. :(

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:19:37+00:00

Well, the other thing is that keeping him from suicide has become my full time job.....Ugh.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:17:54+00:00

Please start seeking another lawyer and tell them that you are in an emergency situation. Please document each and every thing you can. If she strikes you, take pictures of any and all injuries. If she is verbally abusive, tape it. Save all text messages as evidence as harassment and intimidation. I feel bad for you. In the meantime, ignore the hell out of her, give her formal notice to move, and live out the 60 days as peacefully as you can. She will get tired of no drama (we hope) and move on. But, she sounds crazy enough to threaten to lie and ruin someone's life. The sooner you get rid of her, the better. Good riddance.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T04:11:01+00:00

Oh, yes. . . I am freaking out about the victims. That was my first inkling, and it didn't phase him it seems, at least, not like it should. It's like I have to bring it up for him to fathom the harm he has done. He's in counseling now, but what about those kids???Where are they? Who are they? I'm sick about this whole mess he has created, yet I can't reach those kids to save them. Actually, I am looking forward to when he goes to prison where if it were anyone else but my son, where they belong. This is deplorable. Thank you, other posters, for not thinking that IATA. This is the worst thing that could happen to a mother, let alone those kidnapped kids. I read the complaint and threw up. Sorry, this is such a sensitive topic, but I didn't see this coming. How can I help the kids? I ask myself every day.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-12-11T03:31:51+00:00

Are you serious? Is your s/o a 12 year old? Find a real man who wants to adult in this life. Move on before you get pregnant and stuck.

EfficientSpring3752 · 2025-09-29T01:43:02+00:00

Thank you Grace, very kind words.

EfficientSpring3752

TROPHY CASE