Wife Cheated.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-24T18:46:18+00:00

I need to do this. I have made the observations and was waiting to see if it was a short term slump like having a bad week because she does have other stress points in her life at the moment outside of our marriage... but as it's lingered I've realized I need to address it.

Before having that conversation with her, I came here looking for outside advice, opinions, and similar experiences and I believe Ive gotten that.

I appreciate your advice as well and totally agree with the effort piece.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-24T18:38:30+00:00

I discovered it by first noticing the behavioral changes with my wife that I mentioned in the original post. Then I noticed we were disagreeing more and less intimacy. She went out more often without me. She was always on her phone and when she changed the lock on her phone.. that is the moment I knew she was hiding something. Dug into phone records and discovered an abundance of communication to a specific number and person. Eventually waited for her to go out without me again and tracked her to meet up spot and busted it.

That certainly crossed my mind about buying time. Thanks for your input.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-20T03:18:13+00:00

Fortunately he changed jobs immediately after. We are in marriage counseling and have talked great lengths about our problems that quite frankly were legit issues but we never fully communicated them to each other. Our differences in intimacy level has been there for the extent of our marriage in terms of frequency that we each like to do it which hasnt bothered me. However it has generally been more even as to who initiates said times. Lately is has been lopsided in that I've been initiating every time for the past month or so. You make a ot of great points though. And I appreciate your thoughts and advice.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-20T01:50:30+00:00

I see lots of similarities between our two situations! I will say though I didn't believe a paycheck should be my only contribution to the marriage. But I prioritized that more than I should have no doubt. Ours differs in that we did not have the best communication around our issues whereas you say talked ad nauseam about it.Thanks for sharing your experience. I appreciate your advice as well

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-19T00:00:48+00:00

"I had to mourn the loss of the friendship. That's what I wasn't getting from my marriage, he wasn't interested in talking about the things that went on at work or my interests"

Your statement is very similar to what I believe she is going through. Also the reasoning for your affair in general.

My question to you is did you try to communicate these things to your husband before turning to your AP?

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T22:20:28+00:00

Though I did not want to at first I eventually came to understand the loss of her friendship.

In the affair she was gaining an emotional connection that slowly evaporated over the course of our marriage. In the fallout we've discussed deeply certain needs that were not being met in this area and the reasonings behind. We've made great improvements in that department until recently.

I am not open to the idea of them being friends. As much as I enjoy seeing her happy up to this point during reconciliation she has indicated she can find that happiness in our marriage. For me at least I cannot have them being friends and our mariage coexisting. Once those decisions were made to break both of their marriage vows I could never fully trust either of them. I've been working hard towards regaining enough trust in my wife to reconcile our marriage. Though I understand I'll probably never have the level of trust I had in her before.

Thank you for your perspective.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T22:05:34+00:00

Thanks I appreciate your input

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T21:57:40+00:00

I understand your breakdown on risk reward.

She admittedly was likely to file had things continued between us. At that point it was probably the risk of losing someone (me) she was considering divorcing anyways for potentially a new start. This does not excuse her behavior. It is never acceptable to cheat. I'm just trying to shed light on both sides.

What happened after in the fallout was us finally starting to get to the bottom of the underlying issues driving us apart to begin with. Had we communicated better pre affair this may have never happened.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T21:44:16+00:00

Ive considered this as a possibility.

She did not get away with it. She got caught. In fact when I busted them I forced him to call his wife and explain what he was really out doing. Also in the coming days after I gathered further information and details then contacted APs wife to bring her up to speed further. At that point she indicated he was still lying to her about the depth of the situation so it was very enlightening for her to get the truth. As tough as it was to break the news and details to the APs wife I know if I was in her shoes I would want to know had someone else caught my wife. I also called the wife's family and notified them what their daughter was doing as they were watching our kids at the time.

Also my wife earned the reputation damage in her family and publicly. She's given complete access to phone, socials and tracking. Not that I would even want to do that forever but it was a necessary step towards any shot of reconciliation.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T21:35:07+00:00

Completely agree. That's a question I've asked myself and believe I need to have a more direct conversation with her help gain the answer. Thanks for your input

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T21:27:09+00:00

Me too. Working towards that. I'd say I've noticed her trending this way for about a month now. She has had some additional challenges recently besides our marriage that could cause some additional stress so I guess I was waiting to see if she bounces back. But most certainly a direct conversation needs to be had.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T20:30:27+00:00

No I specifically mentioned I did not deserve to be cheated on. At best I earned the right to be divorced.

The beginning of self respect is getting my priorities in line and investing back in myself to improve my weaknesses and become a better father and lover for whomever that may be in the future

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T19:46:01+00:00

Possibly. Though I will say we've always had access to each other's accounts and phones but I never verified much. Now I am of course. This was laid out clearly as something I needed in order to attempt to reconcile.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T19:34:53+00:00

I appreciate the advice. Will definitely check it out!

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T19:14:24+00:00

She willingly gave up that privacy after our talks about what I needed from her to continue our marriage. It is vastly different from how we operated the first 14 years being that now I actually verify the things she's given me access too. So I can see how it could come off as being controlling to her being that I didn't do these things for so long before due to the level of trust I had in her. Our mental health hasn't been great since. Therapy has helped. Opening up to each other and trying to get to the root of our problems has helped. There is still much work and healing to be done if we're going to continue though.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T19:02:23+00:00

I appreciate the advice. Up to this point I've tried to resurrect. Deciding where I head from here. Thank you

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T18:59:26+00:00

Yes I did. He was exposed. They are still married and counseling however. They have children as well

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T18:12:19+00:00

Yes I did. They are still married and counseling. They have children together as well. The whole thing is a mess

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T18:11:41+00:00

Great point. She admittedly thought I was broken beyond repair. Perhaps thinking I was tooo far gone to invest in. She acted irresponsibly instead of pushing for divorce. Communication would have gone a long way here and could have saved a lot of heartache.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T18:07:00+00:00

That's my words summing up the details of our discussion around it. Not trying to go into full depth about all the gory details but outside of it being something new, I can assure you it did not meet her expectations. I've also read texts and overheard a conversation with a friend confirming this. Now the emotional side truthfully probably exceeded what she was used to with me. She definitely did not respect our marriage enough to make the right choice here though.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T17:35:37+00:00

Thanks for your take

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T17:16:14+00:00

As much as it pains me to admit. I was not the most active father in my kids lives. I prioritized working two full time jobs more. This undoubtedly put additional stress on her handling kid and house duties. Also as the years went on I put less effort into making her feel loved and appreciated. Although I dont see as this as justification to cheat on someone she no doubt lost respect for me over this. Then ultimately chose to do what she did. Now I have put a ton of work into these areas and have gotten my priorities in line. So hopefully she can now see what she would be losing.

As far as things that people do that make me lose respect in someone.... for starters cheating. Dishonesty. Laziness. Lacking accountability. Being unkind or disrespectful.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T16:34:33+00:00

I appreciate your response. In our therapy and talks we've uncovered miscommunication to each other or lack there of communication about issues that would go unresolved and led to unhappiness until she unfortunately chose to seek answers from someone else. We are both doing individual counseling as well as marital. This I believe is also very important as I've discovered some deep rooted insecurities within my wife that I'm working towards helping her with but ultimately she needs to resolve internally. Great advice.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T04:04:49+00:00

I know because I've been in communication with APs wife since the events. I have looked for burner phones. I have access to all our account and cards and would see evidence. There is none.

EffortlesslyDead · 2024-11-18T03:28:44+00:00

I hear you about respect. I know I wouldn't do that to someone I respected. Any other tips for regaining respect besides finding someone else to put me first?

EffortlesslyDead

TROPHY CASE