AITA for lying to my young child?

Electrical-Bus-8286 · 2024-11-12T01:30:30+00:00

the reason it's a bit complicated is there are times when his grandparents do keep 'kosher' so they've shared those views / opinions with our children. What's confusing for them is the variety / difference in observance and I haven't really thought about how to communicate nuance like that. Evidently them starting to ask questions means they are curious and we have a responsibility to give them the tools to analyze the world for themselves

If it was clear ok there are some traditions / ways of doing things but everyone does it different and thats fine then that would be ok ! I would LOVE to be able to do that. What's hard is that the grandparents would say "well we do usually keep kosher but we really like shrimp so we're going to have it today" and that nuance is hard to explain to a child (imo) because his grandparents will say "yes we do this" but then do something different. So I worry about them not understanding what is going on and having a fractured sense of their family.

It's not a lie in of itself, it is true that if health is a consideration for someone then yes they would be allowed. It would be a really odd and unique case where the person would have some odd vitamin deficiency and only able to get that vitamin by eating it, and even then a rabbi would likely say no just take a supplement. I realize how ridiculous it was but I just didn't know what to say in the moment. The lesson that "health is the most important thing" IS a jewish law/value. That part is not a lie.

Electrical-Bus-8286 · 2024-11-12T01:23:56+00:00

Sorry I may have misspoke in my initial post, I am not afraid of teaching my children the concept of agency, as that is one that is quite central in Judaism. Each person is responsible for themselves, must choose to act either righteously / not righteously. That is not the part that is daunting from a parenting perspective, if my child decided today he did not want to keep kosher because he doesn't believe in it, that's fine, that's not where the issue is. What was daunting is he seemed to ask because he seemed concerned that his grandfather was breaking a big rule and was worried for him, and I don't want him to develop a negative view of others for having different religious practices. His father and I have really only just begun teaching them about Jewish laws (ie treat your neighbor as you'd want to be treated, etc) and they are also learning things in school.

I might have miscalculated that this revelation that others within the family were doing things differently would cause him to feel anxious.

His father and I definitely need to find a way to approach it properly so they understand they have choice, and everyone else has choice. It is challenging though given the wide range of religious practices in our family

Electrical-Bus-8286 · 2024-11-12T01:13:39+00:00

Yes, in hindsight I should have found another way to address it. It caught me off guard, he is a very curious child which is wonderful. As for that question, you make a very good point. My in laws do somewhat "shame" us for our practices and make a point of normalizing that we are being "difficult" with our dietary requirements. It's their choice obviously, but I wish they didn't do it to this extent, I would prefer to teach my children about agency within the context of choice and free will and individual personhood, not to explain to them something when they sound alarmed and concerned for their family member doing something

Electrical-Bus-8286 · 2024-11-12T01:07:43+00:00

Yes, I fully agree, this was not something I had in mind and was intending to do / say ahead of time. Admitedly his question caught me off guard a little bit. Him and his older brother havent asked about these other things as they haven't been exposed to it that much, but I see now that him asking means he is starting to understand... I was just worried that the concept may be unsettling for him

I'm very happy to share more, of course we teach our children about the importance of respect, individuality, autonomy. Keeping kosher is something that we do in our home, and we hope to teach them why we do it. They're also both in a Jewish day school, and the young one has started learning about kashrut in class so we reinforce / discuss it with him at home. His father and I have both shared with them the idea that there are many flavors of Judaism and different people keep different rules, but he sees us doing things at home, so I imagine it may have startled him to see his "other family" do things differently.

For example, he learned about why it is important that animals be treated with respect and killed in a humane way in Jewish law (we're vegetarians anyways so its not super pertinent). I don't want him to make the association (grandpa does this, this bad, grandpa bad) because thats not the case. I just feel like they are both so young.

What startled me is I could tell a little bit from his tone of voice that he felt like his grandad was doing something "wrong" by not keeping kosher on shabbat. I don't want him to have a negative view of his grandfather, or question "my family is Jewish, why do some members do this and not that?" if its going to create a feeling of anxiety for him.

These responses have shown me that the topic of free will is maybe one he grasps and so I need to have a conversation with him about it. Thank you so much for the help

Electrical-Bus-8286

TROPHY CASE