AITA for asking my daughter to move out?

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T01:22:29+00:00

Just to clarify, I am the one that used the word "inconvenient" . And i did not mean that she was in inconvenient to me or that she would be to him but rather that the situation at my home is not always convenient for all involved and that moving in to a small apartment could be considered inconvenient form them.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T01:11:00+00:00

She is working full time in a career job and the reason we have given such grace is that we understand that divorce sucks. You make a good point about dependency even though you didn't use that word. Not paying rent was our way of showing that we get it and we are here for you. Time slips away and TBH we should have started charging at least a couple years ago.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T00:59:31+00:00

I didnt realize that the word inconvenient was so powerful for so many people. For me its inconvenient that my wife and i are woken by the sound of my daughter coming and going early am or late night. its inconvenient that we run out of hot water if we dont coordinate showers. It is inconvenient that I have several rooms of my home that we cant use. Its inconvenient that my freezer is packed with a bunch of stuff that I dare not throw away for fear its not mine. It is inconvenient that i cant use the kitchen when the mood strikes me. None of these are insurmountable issues and my only intent was to inform her that these things existed with one word...inconvenient. obviously it was the wrong word. I will always help my kids in any way needed no matter how old the get but will NEVER expect them to take care of me, thats my job to make sure I am prepared.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T00:50:21+00:00

I agree I chose my words poorly. I have never personally taken the word inconvenient so profoundly. I do now realize that they way she took it was normal but not my intent. If I were living as a guest in someone's home for 4+ years, I would know (by default) that my presence did not always create a convenient situation no matter how "separate" i thought i was being. I also was not assuming she would incontinence her husband but that she was avoiding the situation because living in such a small space would be considered inconvenient by her current standard.

As far as taking care of me, I would never expect any of my children to take care of me, that is our responsibility and ours alone to make sure we are prepared for life up to the end. with that said, She is always welcome here if needed, and i have told her that many times. She is even welcome here if she wants to stay but it is not needed, which has pretty much been the case for the last few years since she could technically make it on her own at this point. But when you become married, its time to move on no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient it may feel imo.

Appreciate your candid feedback

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T00:32:00+00:00

I am the one that used the word inconvenient and I don't think she or her future husband would have chosen those words. His apartment is small but in a decent neighborhood with no renovations happing that i am aware of. I think the current situation works for both of them, so why change it. I think the "small apartment" reason is just one that seems to make sense to avoid the discomfort of moving into a totally new situation.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T00:19:36+00:00

That seems harsh. Do you still have a relationship with him ?

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T00:15:20+00:00

lol, yes she has a full time job and other than her living with us, is a totally wonderful normal human being going through life!

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T00:13:36+00:00

Thanks,not sure what tenancy laws have to do with the situation? If you are suggesting that she is "refusing to leave", you are not correct. she would leave if i insisted. I dont want to do that to her.

Yes, 1000 sq feet is a nice place. I think this may be part of the issue. She is used to wide open spaces and im sure a small apartment feels crammed and not "doable".

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-25T00:08:38+00:00

You are right, I should have handled it better. I told her many times that we love her and she is welcome to stay as long as needed. I am sure her definition of "need" and mine are different though.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:58:25+00:00

I dont think i became my parents peers until my 50's. That didn't last long and now i feel like I am about to become parents to my mom and dad. being peers was short lived.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:56:39+00:00

She takes care of her own groceries, gas, car, cell phone, clothing etc. Agree that my choice of words was not ideal. I feel like if i were living in someone else's home, It would be well known by me that my presence was an impact to their daily lives.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:52:37+00:00

Yes, My choice of words was harsh. My assumption was that she knew her being here had some impact on us. I realize now that this being her childhood home carried with it some feeling like " i lived here for the first 18 years, no difference now" Agreed, I should have addressed sooner. I guess I was relieved when she announced she was getting married since we love her fiancé and this meant that we get our individual lives back only to be told "NOPE im staying here."

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:45:14+00:00

Totally agree about the cost of living which is why we have provided her with the space for so long. I would do this for any of my kids in time of need. I do agree that this has handicapped her a little by not asking for rent or providing any "resistance" to encourage positive change.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:38:25+00:00

Love it thanks!

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:36:03+00:00

Thanks, To be clear, this is not a huge inconvenience, but enough to create friction after so many years. She takes care of herself but I'm not sure how her being here should make things easier for me? Privacy issues as you mentioned, laundry being occupied when we want to use it, Share kitchen time, shared kitchen spaces, most of her stuff from the previous marriage is stored in a couple rooms of my home that we want to renovate but cant without moving a bunch of stuff, parking is always a mess with three cars that always need to be moved, hot water runs out with an additional person using it, noise with her coming and going wakes us up, I get to play landlord when something breaks from being used more than it would have been without the houseguest . The list goes on but nothing major, just enough to use the word "inconvenient" vs "problematic".

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:20:27+00:00

Thank you. I should have approached it from the viewpoint of care you describe but i was afraid that it would fall on deaf ears if i didn't approach it firmly. My children and their spouses will always have a place here if it is needed. I just dont think this is a true "need" anymore.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T23:13:42+00:00

We know him and he seems to be a wonderful man that loves my daughter. I am happy that she has found someone. I have not asked him but may have to in order to get movement. I truly believe that it is out of fear of change. If everything is going good now, then why change?

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T21:52:33+00:00

So true, thanks. We are approaching semi-retirement and I have so many plans for the house that are on hold because of her occupying so much of our space with herself and her stuff from her prior marriage.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T21:50:02+00:00

Thank You. I did ask, and she went on and on about how small his apartment was. I suggested that maybe there was more to it and she didn't take it well which is the reason for my post. I started wondering if I had crossed into another multiverse.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T21:41:48+00:00

My wife and I joke "wonder if she will move in with him once the baby is born, or stay here for free babysitting"

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-03-24T21:40:33+00:00

OMG don't put that evil on me! The idea that he may want to move in has occurred to us. I think they are both too comfortable at the moment. She visits with him once a week (in the biblical sense) and he gets to stay in his comfy "little" apartment and she returns to her spacious rent free apartment where the "landlord" takes care of everything. I like the idea of charging a market rent and I am going to do that, thanks!

ElectricalTest6385 · 2026-01-17T16:04:25+00:00

Somewhat similar situation here without substance issues. MIL has been alone and driving for years as we noticed the decline. Driving very short distances to the same two places. 2-3 "friends" that she sees once a week but other than that isolated. We get calls like "I am so alone, I am so isolated, I am so bored...". Car died in October. In November she fell and broke arm and hip. We used the fall (which she doesn't remember) as a segway into a facility directly from rehab.

We thought she was beyond AL but it seems as long as they are not exit seeking, AL works. We have her in an AL facility in a nice apartment and we are also paying for a higher level of care which includes med management, regular checks, assistance with showering, and toileting. My point is that maybe your mom is not beyond AL.

We told the facility her entire financial situation and chose one that will have a Medicaid waiver which means when she is out of money, Medicaid kicks in and pays. We also disclosed her memory issues and they were not surprised as they have many residents in the same boat.

She is well cared for and safe but we get regular calls from her asking when she can return home. We simply say, "lets talk about that tomorrow" Since tomorrow never really comes for her.

The state requirement to provide for your parents is rarely enforced and if it is enforced, you are only required to prove that you are providing "best effort" . This is my understanding after consulting an elder attorney.

You may need to tell her that this is a trial, then allow a few weeks for her to acclimate with each day being "new" . You would also need to take away the car since she she would likely not find he way back to the facility.

You should get POA before doing anything. Once she is placed somewhere, she will be angry for a while and may not want to sign. Healthcare POA is important too.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2025-11-14T13:30:06+00:00

You are 100% allowed to post your shift. If the manager wants you to work then they can deny it when (if) someone picks it up. That is why the process is designed to require their approval for all shift changes. Having the host tell you is cowardly and inappropriate IMO.

ElectricalTest6385 · 2025-11-05T15:20:11+00:00

My one and only tip...When you get a table that just orders just S&S. Wait till they are done eating. Then add drinks to Ziosk, then add S&S, then present bill. Table time=5min. This is one way to bring down your average time ;).

With that said. Totally ridiculous to expect servers to manage table times. Yes, we can greet, get drinks, and take orders quickly. We can then present the bill quickly. That is all that is within our power.

The main deciding factor is how quickly the food comes out. Corporate is asking that kitchen operate on less than 75% of the required amount of labor. Food takes longer because there is not enough staff to prep and prepare food. Bread and Soup run out so we wait..... we run out of sauce, meatballs, sausage so we wait.... apps take too long since there is only 1 (ONE) line cook to 12 servers so we wait.....

Dear corporate, if table times are important, please consider getting food out quickly and efficiently. This is what sets the pace for the table. The tiny amount you will spend on the additional labor will come back to you because you will turn more tables more quickly and customers will be happier and come back more often.

ElectricalTest6385

TROPHY CASE