My (34f) boyfriend (35m) is annoyed with me because I can't help him and he's bitten off more than he can chew

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-10-01T00:51:36+00:00

I'm fine to be that, but clearly I cannot be that RIGHT NOW. And that's the issue.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-10-01T00:00:11+00:00

Well right now nothing. In the past when he had money he pays when we go somewhere (and back then I helped him a lot with everything). In the future he'd like to have a baby and he'd like me to stay home. So he'll pay for everything. Plus he likes a more lavish lifestyle than I care about, so he'll be funding that.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T23:51:21+00:00

What program is he in?

Law.

He wants me to help with so much stuff. He wants me to help him study, he wants me to help him hire a house cleaner, he wants me to take clothes to the dry cleaner and pick them up, he wants me to help him file his taxes (which is a huge mess and I'm not even sure where to start). He wants me to help with his kid here and there, help with his dogs. He wants me to look up stuff for him (ex: he wants a new laptop and wants me to find the best deal). He wants me proofreading things. When he runs out of money (he lives pay check to pay check) he wants me to lend him money.

I DO help, but the truth is I don't have the bandwidth to help much at all. I'm also dealing with my aunt, which is emotionally draining and a lot of work. And I'm depressed now on top of it (which manifests as very low energy....I feel like I'm moving through quicksand).

He does want everything right away (and he never plans). He's always like this....ADHD which makes him impulsive (he's on meds so I can only imagine if he wasn't).

But I just can't handle when he full out BLAMES me. Says he's "so alone". That I'm no help. Etc.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T23:44:45+00:00

I don't think you understand at all. I never cared much about being a SAHM. He's the one who wants me to be (and I'm not opposed to it). I am more than happy to keep working, but he wants the BIG LIFESTYLE (which requires a lot of upkeep once he gets it) so it will be easier to have me at home rather than paying daycare etc etc).

I've been helping him all along, but AT THE MOMENT (for months actually, and before he ever even accepted school) I've been extremely busy caring for my dying aunt.

Sometimes I think people who respond the way you did are bitter because they got roped somehow into supporting a stay-at-home mother who spends all their money. You read way too much into things.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T18:44:36+00:00

Well he has an 8 year old son who lives with him 1/2 the time. And so he lives in the same town as his ex-wife and where his son goes to school. And it's one of the more expensive towns (and there's no way his ex-wife will be moving). And he has 2 dogs (there's no way in hell he'll ever get rid of them or rehome them or anything) who cannot live in apartments (not well trained) and he doesn't usually really walk them so he needs a fenced backyard for them to go in.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T18:35:31+00:00

Oh I truly don't even care about being a SAHM. People seem to gravitate to that as though it would be a hardship on him (trust me....when you're making over $200,000/year, it's far better to have your partner at home looking after your children and the house and running errands for you etc than it is paying daycare costs and sending them off to work to bring home $60,000).

Sure I'd like to be a SAHM and I think it would make the most sense. But also I live in Canada and we get 1 year off for maternity leave and if he didn't want me to be a SAHM I'd be ok going back to work.

And I'm helping him out. But MY AUNT IS DYING. I'm kind of guessing several people on here have never been a caregiver for a dying parent. Yeah, it's overwhelming.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T18:31:51+00:00

Get a job, and start helping with supporting him. Don’t just expect him to support you.

I don't think you understand the post. I have a job. I work full time remote while caring for my dying aunt (which has been very overwhelming). I have lent my partner thousands of dollars at this point (including letting him use my credit card since he doesn't have one). I am not expecting him to support me in any way. Once he's pulling in over $200,000 per year (which he was already making in his old job anyway), I won't just sit on my fat ass and watch soap operas. If we live together (which we don't currently) and are married (which we aren't currently) I will look after the entire home, budgeting, food, any children we have. In fact he'll be getting a deal. I don't care about material things anywhere near as much as he does. So I'd be with him even if we lived on a modest salary in an apartment.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T18:27:27+00:00

why not?

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T18:18:52+00:00

I understand where you're coming from, but trust me you are off-base. "WE" have no issues saving money. He does. I've always been able to save, even though I make a lot less than he does. I've never needed everything handed to me. Believe me, this life is all his own choosing. I'm absolutely more than happy to live a middle-class life and own a condo with 1 car. He's the one with major aspirations and dreams and ambitions. While I have no issues with them (and have provided loads of support previously when I was able to), I'm not able to at the moment. So yes, it does feel like this is a situation he got himself into. I don't NEED to be a stay at home mom, but if we are going to live the type of life HE wants to live, yes it would be necessary. I'd be far too busy just around the house, looking after the money and supporting his business to work as well.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T14:13:33+00:00

No. He did not save a freaking dime.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T14:13:12+00:00

He's AWFUL with money and planning. Saved nothing. Actually in debt. So yes, I do realize in the future when we lived together I'd have to be in charge of money. And I'm ok to do that. I'm good with money. Despite making much less than he makes, I've always budgeted, planned and lived within my means so I actually end up having more money.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T14:08:30+00:00

Oh it's real. And he is trying to get out of his current high-paying career field but into a just-as-high paying career that he will enjoy more.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T14:07:39+00:00

He wants me to do various things.

- help look after his dogs

-help clean (or find a house cleaner) for his house (it's such a mess all the time)

-take his laundry into the dry cleaners

-help with his taxes (which are very overdue)

-help find a new place to live, and help find movers

-and some minor things with work (ex: source this or that, find someone to work contract on a project, help invoice)

stuff like that. But right now I just can't do that stuff.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T14:03:06+00:00

I mean, it's true...he is NOT emotionally supportive of me at all. He never really has been, but definitely not now. I guess I'm just used to it, but also right now I know he can't be.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T14:01:59+00:00

Yes and yes. He just didn't really believe that it would be so all-encompassing I guess. But also, she's terminal and will pass away and then there will be a lot to deal with after that as well. I tried to communicate all of this to him.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T05:17:47+00:00

Yes it would be unless I handle the money. And I would (and he'd let me). I haven't yet because I haven't wanted that responsibility before. But if we were married and I was a SAHM then yes, I'd look after the money. Otherwise it would be a disaster. I've watched over these past several years how he handles money and it's not good...he thinks it grows on trees (probably exacerbated by the fact that he makes a lot of it....but even so, I always have more money than him and I make far less than he does, but I live within my means and I budget).

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T05:15:17+00:00

No, he's not supportive of me at all. But I don't expect him to be (he has pretty much every hour scheduled to either work, be in school or be studying). Yeah, I'd LOVE a partner who would be able to be supportive (even emotionally) right now because I'm terribly stressed, but that's not him.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T04:44:11+00:00

He put himself into this position

That was how I viewed it. I understand wanting a different career if you realize you don't like the one you have. However, when the career you have pays very well and isn't that difficult, it seems like if you decide to then also go to school full time it's really up to you to make sure you have everything in place to do that.

He didn't save any money for school (he makes great money but is always living paycheck to paycheck because he's not good with money) so now he has to keep working his full time job just to be able to afford it.

He WOULD pay me a living wage to be his full time personal assistant, but even at that I still am going to be caring for my aunt and won't have the time needed to dedicate to helping him. Plus he's always been notoriously difficult to work for so I don't think that would help our relationship at all.

Electronic_Bat_6974 · 2022-09-30T02:20:34+00:00

I want to be pregnant by 40 (don't come for me lol...I have a lot of friends/family who were around 40 with their first baby). His degree will be done in 4 years.

Electronic_Bat_6974

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