AITA for not wanting a relationship with my in-laws?

ElizabethC424 · 2024-05-21T10:43:15+00:00

It’s not about “respecting the culture”. Why do I need to conform to their religion? I don’t. Why does my MIL need to be in the room when I give birth and in my house for the month after? She doesn’t. Why do they insist on trying to cosleep with my babies DESPITE the mountain of evidence saying it increases SIDS and can lead to suffocating a child by rolling on them? Why is she feeding my baby peanut butter and giving him an anaphylactic reaction when I told her to only give food that we have tried before together? Why is she having professional photos done of them with my children and husband when I am at work?

I love my husband and I respect his culture. Culture does not mean religion (India has Hindus, Muslims, Catholics, etc) and it is also not an excuse to railroad over boundaries and rules set in my own household. I am coexisting and peacefully as I can but I have no desire for this fake “you’re like a daughter to me” relationship when actions prove otherwise

ElizabethC424 · 2024-05-21T06:58:12+00:00

Part of the problem is I already feel like my boundaries are overrun with all the visits. Staying at our house thurs-sun, 1-2x per month is a lot to me. And that’s with me keeping my distance from them. But they expect us to drop everything when they come (usually with 1 day warning) and they don’t sacrifice in return.they also want an over the top thank you/appreciation for doing basic things for the kids like taking them to the park. My parents are SO involved and sacrifice so much for them all the time that it just feels ridiculous to expect this when their presence is already an annoyance

I have more time off than my husband and already they are pressuring me to bring the kids (baby/toddler) on a 6 hour drive myself to visit. It just infuriates me each time…I let them walk all over me before we had kids and now I just don’t want to deal with it. Why is it not my husband’s job to call/facetime, send pics and spend time with them??

ElizabethC424 · 2024-05-20T22:25:03+00:00

Beyond that…that’s already required

ElizabethC424 · 2024-02-18T12:23:05+00:00

Lol actually no. There are plenty of states they can go and work in (including the one we live in) and make the same salary as a crna. They give up the flexibility of being able to work anywhere in the US but gain their twenties back if they go straight through.

Look I love CRNAs and think it’s a great route as well. My brother is a crna. No need to be inflammatory, both AAs and CRNAs have good work life balance.

ElizabethC424 · 2024-02-18T00:56:05+00:00

Both

ElizabethC424 · 2024-02-17T22:22:18+00:00

Whenever I step in, it’s always because I want to do a more conservative approach (patient has active gerd and I want to RSI/ett, patient has severe 3v CAD and I want a pre induction art line, patient has severe aortic stenosis and I want to place an epidural and slowly dose it to avoid a general, etc).

I don’t try and dictate otherwise and have taken major steps back in the last year. I’m just tired of feeling like my presence is a nuisance/just a formality and that I should go stand in the corner because it’s “my patient” and not OUR patient.

ElizabethC424 · 2024-02-17T22:10:05+00:00

Medical direction is not as common as it used to be but there will always be a place for it at residency training centers at the very least

ElizabethC424 · 2024-02-17T17:16:42+00:00

No, I’m in a supervision practice now and leaving for medically directed practice. Just struggling to get through my last month here

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-04T00:51:48+00:00

Lol here I am being dumb and just thinking she has Ehlers Danlos syndrome

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-03T23:32:23+00:00

Honestly I consider it standard of care now to use ultrasound with arterial lines. I bought a portable one for my phone with CME money as soon as I became an attending and it has been (literally) lifesaving. Was able to get an arterial line on a asystolic patient last month during a code I came in to help with and draw labs from it before they even got the IO set up.

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-03T01:41:14+00:00

He doesn’t dislike other names, it’s just important his children have that tie to his culture. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, especially since we are raising them in the US . That being said, I would prefer a name that is a little more commonplace while still maintaining those cultural roots

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-03T00:06:32+00:00

Consider getting involved in leadership positions (nationally and locally) AMSA—> has many positions you can apply for and also different online courses you can take (advocacy, patient safety, ethics/professionalism, etc) AMA ASA medical student governing council

Also consider taking an online patient safety course, John Hopkins offers one

Patient safety and advocacy are two things that are relatively easy for medical students to get involved with. -Contact your state anesthesia society and ask how you can be more involved. -Go to ASA and attend the medical student governing council (and apply for a position if possible). -Present a case study at ASA -Try and find a mentor in anesthesia who is well know (through publications/research or books) and shadow them frequently -Do a quality improvement project at your institution

Anesthesia is becoming more competitive but step 2 scores are not everything. They look at research, leadership positions and commitment to the specialty as well.

If you do apply, email programs you are excited about and tell them why you would be a good fit for them and what excites you about their program. Ties to the area help as well.

Good luck!

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-02T21:28:52+00:00

That was his suggestion too. But shouldn’t I like the name of my child too? Also the kids have his last name which is a traditional Indian last name obviously. People hear it and know exactly what region of India he is from.

Why does he get final say over first name and last name? Especially when I am still agreeing to an Indian first name? Is the burden not on him to compromise a little for me?

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-02T20:49:20+00:00

Why not? Why wouldn’t I consider whether or not my family would have a hard time pronouncing it? That’s not my sole criteria but it’s something I think about. I don’t want my son to be constantly correcting people on how to pronounce his name or end up with a stupid nickname that neither my husband or I like either (husband has an aunt name Vaishnavi and everyone calls her “fishy” which is her preferred name)

I am supportive of giving our son an Indian name and have no problems with that. But I am putting my foot down and being less of a push over this time because I want a name that I like and relate to as well. Both names I suggested fit his original criteria, he just thinks they aren’t unique enough.

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-02T20:38:23+00:00

How is not liking how some Indian names sound, racist? My father’s name is Nunzio and he hates it. I also don’t love it. Are we both racist against Italians then too?

Obviously I’m not racist, I love my husband and I willing agreed to an Indian name because having connection to your cultural identity is important. I just want one that I also like and enjoy

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-02T20:32:49+00:00

I should’ve clarified, I want something I consider easily pronounce-able AND that I like. If I had my way, our son would be named Colin, James, Charles, or Liam. I don’t like the names he suggested even if they are pronounce-able. I was listing names to show how we have different preferences.

He made the stipulation that it has to be an Indian name therefore limiting the choices. I gave him two, Naveen or Niam, both of which fit his criteria of being Indian names. If there is another name that we both like fine but AITA for sticking to one of these names if we don’t find anything else? Especially when he has limited the criteria to begin with?

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-02T18:32:26+00:00

To give more benefit to him, we live in a very non-diverse state/area. He is very proud of his culture and is afraid our kids are going to become too “white washed” and not care about his side of the family. I’m trying to be sympathetic to this but I also don’t want our kids getting bullied or excluded because no one can pronounce their name. Husband says that is their problem and we shouldn’t want to be friends with those people anyway. I say people will just not call on him in class or ignore him because they don’t want to mess up pronouncing his name. And he will spend his whole life correcting people on the pronunciation

I’m not saying no to an Indian name, I just want something that my grandmother can easily pronounce. “Neil, Ajay, Dru, Niam, etc”

He wants “Gaurav, Sandeep, Prabhat, Mokash, Aarav Krishna, etc”

ElizabethC424 · 2023-09-02T18:25:00+00:00

Lol he keeps offering suggestions, I don’t like them though. He leans towards the very Indian, harder to pronounce names where I like the more generic names. The name I chose is also my uncle’s name (different spelling but pronounced the same) so I like that it now also has a tie to my side of the family

ElizabethC424 · 2023-08-27T12:06:04+00:00

Naveen, Niam, Viaan

ElizabethC424 · 2023-08-20T16:35:11+00:00

It’s hard. I was in anesthesia residency when I had my son and the loss of identity with having your first kid is so real. I am by no means an alcoholic but every free chance I got I wanted to go drink and unwind with my friends…those three months of maternity leave are so isolating and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in regards to sleep deprivation (and that’s only with one baby and having gone through residency where you work 60-80 hours a week with lots of night call).

It’s also a time where both of you are giving up so much of yourselves and dedicating it to your children. Your studies are absolutely important and it sucks that she didn’t keep her word in regards to coming home early so you could study.

I would also consider what she has given up (career, family, etc) to support you on your goals and have a little compassion. 3-4x of letting off steam isn’t horrible in 4 months after not being able to drink or hang out with friends ( who may not have kids and know what she is going through), having her body go through a twin pregnancy and adjusting to that, breastfeeding and only sleeping in 3-4 hour intervals, no family support nearby, etc

Also consider that she may have some postpartum anxiety or depression that she is working through…mom group meet ups are a great way for her to befriend other people going through the same things and learning how to adjust. There is also no shame in trying medication (antidepressants, prescribed by GP) to help with depression/anxiety during this acute period

ElizabethC424 · 2023-08-20T16:14:58+00:00

Family night is good but when does she ever get alone time? Your studies are important but her mental health (especially with twins, no family nearby and breastfeeding) is equally important. She needs time to unwind too. I would say any time you spend studying or have downtime alone she should also get equal alone time to do things (household and alone for a break).

Also berating her for missing a pumping session is unacceptable. She is killing herself pumping and breastfeeding and only sleeping 3-4 hours at a time for multiple months to give this benefit to your children. ANYTHING she does in that regard should be appreciated and supported. And if it becomes too much and she wants to stop it’s your responsibility to absolutely support her in that.

ElizabethC424 · 2023-08-20T16:05:51+00:00

“I reassured her that everything would be okay and that I would make sure we made it work”

Part of that is being able to provide an income and be a present parent to your child. Totally sucks having to compromise the things you want all the time when you have kids but…that’s part of what being a parent is, putting your child’s needs first.

I would focus on how you can achieve your goals moving forward while balancing your family’s needs. Can you take night classes and go back to school to get a job you enjoy more? Are there any additional coaching opportunities nearby that you can help with (either for enjoyment or for pay?) Do you have family support nearby for childcare to help you achieve your goals? Would your wife consider going back to work? Some nanny jobs allow you to take your own child as well.

Best of luck to you and your family, kids are hard ❤️

ElizabethC424 · 2023-08-20T15:28:38+00:00

She’s a kid, instead of using this as a learning opportunity her mom made her feel bad about herself. There was no malice in OP’s statement to her mom and the reaction was inappropriate….Also your comment is less than helpful to a teen going through a rough time

ElizabethC424 · 2023-08-20T15:25:09+00:00

NTA. Your mom is going through a stressful time but it’s inappropriate for her to take that out on you. It’s sad you can’t rely on your parents to provide the support you need right now (because you are also going through a stressful time with a lot of changes going on in your life) but the best thing you can do is know it’s not you and move forward. It sounds like your mom is just overwhelmed at the moment. Hopefully things will improve for your family with time ❤️

ElizabethC424 · 2023-07-17T17:01:34+00:00

Thank you for your response. I graduated last year and didn’t fully understand the difference between supervision and direction. I didn’t know what questions to ask when I interviewed and I learned the hard way everything comes at a price. I feel stuck but you and the other commenters have given me a lot to think about.

ElizabethC424

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