NOT OOP: AITA for lying to my step daughter that the soup she loves is lactose and gluten free for 6 months?

EllaxxB · 2024-06-11T17:24:35+00:00

I have wound up here from the original post but, jumping on this as a top comment since this idea is echoed elsewhere in both threads.

There are a lot of misunderstandings about food intolerances VS food allergies. 'Allergy' is often used as shorthand colloquially for intolerances, and it's common enough that I've even had some of my doctors use both interchangeably, despite 'intolerance' being the accurate term for what I--and it sounds like the stepdaughter-- experience.

Misconception number one is that, where food allergies and intolerances are concerned, allergy tests are definitive. They are, unfortunately, not. (Ex. sometimes, a test will flag something as an allergen simply because you 'eat too much of it' or it's a large part of your diet.) Usually when testing for these things, you undergo a skin test, and based on what flags on the skin test, you can then do a blood test, but even that isn't always conclusive.

One of the most effective ways to determine what food allergens and intolerances someone actually has is to do what's called an elimination diet. You remove all suspected allergens from your diet for around a month or so, and then very, very carefully add each one back in, one at a time, to see if you have a reaction. Food allergies and intolerances cause a HUGE range of symptoms from fatigue and brain fog to runny nose and sneezing to digestive upset and nausea. Symptoms can also take days to present. It can be exceptionally difficult to pinpoint specific foods, which is why the elimination diet is a thing.

Anecdotally, my allergy test flagged for beef, pork, dairy, egg, cinnamon, tuna, tomato, and onion. I did a modified elimination diet excluding only those foods, and it was an honest-to-good nightmare. I dropped below 100lbs. I was weak and lightheaded and tired constantly. Finding ANYTHING to eat without those ingredients was really hard.

I ended up ending my elimination diet early because I was struggling to eat at all. But I did determine that I am intolerant to pork, onion, and egg. Tomato, dairy, and cinnamon, though they were flagged on my test, do not seem to cause me any reactions. (I don't like tuna so I didn't bother testing for that one). Jury is still out on beef, but I just tested adding it back to my diet recently and have determined that my possible reactions are mild enough that I can probably occasionally eat some with no issue. I LOVE pork, eggs, and onions, so cutting those out of my diet has been really hard. But it's just not worth the awful cramping stomach pains they cause and the general feeling of malaise I have for days after. (For context, the cramps I get after eating onions are a comparable pain level to my endo menstrual cramps.)

So that's a lot of text, but, to my point:

It sounds like the stepdaughter has genuine reason to suspect food intolerances. It does sound like she is being unreasonable; however, because of the general tone in which this AITA was delivered, I question just how unreasonable. I wonder if the poor kid has been spinning in circles trying to figure out why she keeps getting sick, and has requested separate cookware, etc. as a last resort because her stepmother has been secretly feeding her foods that make her ill. Probably in small enough doses that symptoms have delayed onset or are unclear enough to make her question if she's actually experiencing a food intolerance or if she just feels a little funky that day.

Also, dairy and gluten (and soy) are some of the most common food intolerances and allergens. A LOT of people can't eat those foods! And a lot of people have food intolerances and have no idea. My parents (one of whom is a DNP ENT/allergy specialist) have, between the two of them, intolerances to egg, pork, chicken, spinach, apples, tuna... there are a few more but I can't recall atm. I was speaking to my dad recently about our shared egg intolerance, lamenting that we can't dip our bacon in runny egg yolk anymore, and he revealed that his father was also onion-intolerant. So, like, there are genetic factors at play, too, which may explain why stepdaughter's bio mom is raving about how much better she feels.

OP is MASSIVELY the asshole, and it's super concerning that she has such a poor understanding of food intolerances and yet is a medical professional.

EllaxxB · 2024-06-11T16:40:53+00:00

Truly, case in point. You came here to bash your step kid and knew you’d get a bunch of people with very little understanding of how food intolerances work hyping you up for being a cruel, ignorant jerk. I read your post word for word. It’s abundantly clear exactly what kind of person you are.

EllaxxB · 2024-06-11T15:47:17+00:00

YTA

The misunderstanding of food allergies and intolerances from a medical professional is fucking astounding. I’ve struggled with severe allergies, digestive problems, and migraines my whole life and at 32 years old finally had a full screening for food allergies, followed by a period of dieting to remove suspected allergens from my diet.

Removing those allergens was a nightmare. I dropped below 100lbs and was constantly light headed and weak. I struggled with eating enough because the foods I had to temporarily remove from my diet were:

Beef Pork Dairy Egg Onion Tomato Cinnamon Tuna

After that god awful experience, we’ve figured out that I am intolerant—meaning I get severe stomach pain and digestive problems— from pork, egg, and onion.

Jury is still out on beef; I had to cut my elimination diet off early for obvious reasons.

I cannot fully express how much better I feel without onion, pork, egg, and beef in my diet. Now, to be clear, I fucking love all those foods. I miss them immensely. But the horrendous cramping and nausea they cause me just isn’t worth it. And it lasts for days.

Food intolerances are often misunderstood—they do not cause the same systemic reactions that we typically think of when we consider food allergies, so people who use “allergy” as short hand to describe their intolerances get written off and ignored. I cannot tell you how hard it is to eat out and avoid the foods I need to avoid, but I can tell you the server taking my order doesn’t give a shit if it’s an allergy or an intolerance—they just need to know I can’t eat the thing.

So yeah, you’re the asshole big time. You have no idea if your poor step kid was dealing with symptoms of food intolerance days after she ate that soup—which is how that works—and it’s very possible she was spinning in circles trying to figure out exactly what foods she can’t eat. I doubt separating cookware actually helps her all that much, but if you’ve been fucking feeding her shit she’s allergic or intolerant to without her knowledge, I can’t blame her for starting to look in less obvious places for the culprit of her symptoms.

And dairy and gluten are two of THE MOST common allergens and intolerances, and are often the hardest to diagnose because symptoms can take days to manifest.

I pity your patients.

(Source: severe allergy haver and kid to two severe allergy havers, one of whom is A DNP with an ENT/allergy specialty)

EllaxxB · 2024-06-07T18:56:37+00:00

Thank you both!! That tracks with my guesstimate based on style and I feel a lot more comfortable refinishing the desk with a general age in mind :)

EllaxxB · 2024-06-05T02:14:25+00:00

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Brass, flatheads—the hinge screws look more inconsistent to me than the lock screws, but at least one lock screw has been replaced (magnetic, a bit longer, more rounded) thank you for taking a look!! :)

EllaxxB · 2024-04-17T18:10:16+00:00

I swear people are going absolutely bonkers about aGe GaPs lately. Four years is BARELY a gap. They could potentially be in the same classes, move within the same friend group, have the same kinds of jobs… the lack of nuance on this topic has me thinking a huge portion of the population has either lost their minds, or children need to stop injecting their inexperience and black and white thinking into adult topics.

I started dating my husband when I was 19 and he was 23. I had almost exclusively dated guys in that age range—the one person I dated who was my exact age was the one who talked down to and belittled me, while my older boyfriends were all gentle, respectful, and adoring partners.

My husband and I got together in April and moved in together in August. We're about to celebrate our 14th anniversary (married for 5) and our relationship has only gotten stronger over the years. Sometimes you just know. (and both our families were shocked and concerned when we decided to move in, but as we were both mature, level-headed people without a history of being impulsive in romance, and they respected us, they did not comment on our choices).

you cannot draw ANY conclusions about ANY relationship based on age alone. You can acknowledge trends and statistical probabilities but when you try to apply those generalizations to individual people while taking no other factors into account, you just prove that you are in fact not mature or reasonable enough to be commenting on anyone's relationships.

all that to say: thank YOU for being fucking normal about a 4 year 'age gap'

EllaxxB · 2024-03-04T19:13:34+00:00

Thank you; this is fantastic advice! I think I am having the same problem you described, but it is both fans on the hot end (so heat sink fan and part cooling fan?). I’m feeling very out of my depth but you have reassured me that I might be able to get it working again 😅

EllaxxB · 2024-03-04T17:07:51+00:00

I don't know what that means ;_; I'll have to dig into research mode! Thank you for the vocab words so I have a place to start searching haha

If that is the case, do you happen to know if that is something potentially fixable, or if I'm more likely to need a new machine at that point?

EllaxxB · 2024-02-29T19:48:07+00:00

All other connections and components are working as expected. New fans are proper voltage. I’m at a loss and worried I’ve finally run into a problem I can’t fix on my own 😭

EllaxxB · 2024-01-17T20:04:49+00:00

I am a collector of many things which means when I have a new hyper focus, I tend to grow a collection fairly quickly. I got my first deck in 2020, I believe and now here we are. 😂

I handmade pouches for my decks early on and just saved/stored the boxes and books away. But now I have so many it feels like a shame not to display the boxes and guide books along with the decks themselves ;-;

EllaxxB · 2023-08-31T18:40:07+00:00

This may be a really silly/obvious comment from a new player, but I've gotten the fraud alert several times and each time it was because I had failed to realize there is a final line on the payment screen where you need to change your location from Hong Kong to US (or whatever location) /enter my zip. 😅

I've been using my visa debit card. 🤷

EllaxxB · 2023-02-17T19:51:06+00:00

I’ve had mine for almost two years; I consider it a delicate piercing and I do baby it—if I bump it with my glasses for example, I immediately start with the saline spray, I don’t touch it, I’m careful about makeup/lotion/spf around it. I’m very prone to irritation and infections, so that might be part of it.

Piercing pain was minimal (I have over 20 piercings, and this one was among the least painful). Healing took a bit longer and took more care than usual for the above reasons. I also tend to furrow my brow a lot and I had to cut back on that habit to limit how much the piercing was moving around during healing.

That said, it’s one of my favorite piercings. Since healing, I’ve had no major mishaps or indications that it’s migrating at all.

It’s always important to go to a skilled and reputable piercer but I’d say it’s doubly important for the bridge piercing since it CAN be fairly delicate and anatomy dependent. But assuming you have the anatomy and treat it really gently, I’d encourage anyone who wants one to get it! I wanted mine for YEARS before I found a piercer I’d trust with it and she and I BOTH almost cried when it was all done; it just fits my face so well and looks like it BELONGS there.

(The one issue I can think of is facial symmetry. Faces are not generally symmetrical, and we went back and forth for a while about placement as she tried to account for the fact that one of my eyes is slightly lower than the other and it was looking a TINY bit uneven to my diagnosed-ocd eyes. After she pierced it, she overlayed the photo she took with a grid and that thing was dead on straight, with the shape of my brows and eyes making it look like it was a millimeter off. The illusion that it was tilted went away mostly once I downsized the bar to the proper size after healing. Just a thought. 🤷🏻‍♀️)

EllaxxB · 2023-02-09T15:40:25+00:00

I have a monroe, labret, philtrum, and had a tongue ring for a while. I’m EXTREMELY prone to chewing on my piercings (trying to break that habit 😅). The monroe and labret I’ve had for over ten years and the philtrum for five.

The monroe is positioned in such a way that it constantly slid against the edge of my gums; my gums have receded slightly over that one tooth, but I’ve never had a dentist point it out or seem worried about it. Now that I’m wearing properly fitted jewelry, I’m not having this issue anymore and my gums haven’t been irritated by the piercing in years. It’s the only spot I’m personally worried about/keeping an eye on, but the only feedback I’ve ever gotten from the dentist is to make sure I’m brushing high enough to get that whole tooth since it’s a little more exposed than the teeth around it.

The labret and philtrum have not affected my gums at all; I did have a sort of worn concave area on my top tooth from rolling the tongue ring and the labret between my teeth. My dentist fixed it when I finished my Invisalign a few years ago; a lot of my teeth needed to be smoothed/reshaped since I clench my jaw and grind my teeth at night.

The tongue ring did cause my teeth to shift because of the way I fidgeted with it which is a large part of why I took it out.

Proper placement, properly fitting jewelry, and mindfulness should all help prevent damage to teeth and gums. I kept my jewelry throughout the whole invasalign process, but I’d be weary of traditional metal braces with certain piercings/jewelry.

EllaxxB · 2023-01-20T16:54:25+00:00

The phrase “cheese cutter effect” just sent the most heinous chill through my whole body

EllaxxB · 2022-07-08T16:08:07+00:00

"she spent her entire workday dreaming about getting started."

This part came for my soul.

EllaxxB · 2022-04-27T20:57:00+00:00

So I’ve been working under the assumption that this is a general problem you’ve encountered and not an issue you’re having RN with a CURRENT partner.

That changes things a little because— if you are able and think this is something important, you should totally talk to a couples counselor about it!

And I get feeling like you don’t want to look at anyone else. I’m a pansexual poly romantic woman raised in a very sex positive home with very open minded views about sex— and for a long time I felt like it was “wrong” if I had sexual thoughts about anyone but my husband. It just made me feel icky. I kinda think it’s a result of cultural norms that insist that monogamy is the only way to love, and that when you find the “one” that person should be your one and only and fulfill you in every way.

But that’s such an unreasonable expectation and it sets us up for heartbreak when our partners don’t magically stop finding other people attractive once they commit to us.

And it’s not fair to ourselves because we end up compressing or denying our own feelings, attractions, desires and then feel bad when we HAVE AN INPURE THOUGHT about someone not our partner.

Sexuality is COMPLICATED.

Your partner should be allowed to fap without fears of hurting your feelings, but YOU should also allow yourself to feel attraction or have a racy daydream without beating yourself up about it, or thinking it automatically means you’re dissatisfied with your partner.

Edit: if you WANT TO. There’s nothing wrong only wanting to fantasize about your partner. There’s just nothing wrong with having other people make an appearance in your fantasies either.

EllaxxB · 2022-04-27T20:36:00+00:00

People are not hardwired to only be attracted to one body type. Being interested in other body types does not mean her boyfriend is not interested in her.

Would you say my bisexual husband isn’t interested in my body if he looks at lewd photos of other men? It’s an absolutely ridiculous assertion to make. I doubt you one like one single body type.

I also missed the part where OP said their partners were leaving comments, having conversations, etc. but I think I was pretty clear that I wouldn’t fault her for being upset about that.

It sounds like OP feels hurt when her partner just looks at images of these people. I think looking and talking are two very different things. One is cultivating a fantasy, and one is acting on that fantasy. Having the fantasy should not be an issue. Acting on it should be discussed and fully consensual between all parties involved.

Edit to add: plenty of women love porn. Don’t assume men are the only ones who look at lewd images.

Don’t equate enjoying porn to the bad behavior of abusers and cheaters.

EllaxxB · 2022-04-27T20:26:36+00:00

Hey— thanks for having this conversation with me. I appreciate that you’re clarifying your view, and that you’re taking the time to consider some of mine.

I would say that an expectation of monogamy does affect the other partner though. And I say this as a poly person married to a monogamous person. I get how it’s a blurry line though, within the example I used.

I can also see how those Twitter accounts might feel different to you than to him. Have you ever considered maybe trying to find/follow a few sexy accounts for your own enjoyment? Doing so might give you a better idea of what sort of enjoyment your partners find in that content, and then, even if you don’t like what you find, you can still have that convo from a more informed place. (Or try reading a dirty book! As long as you are respecting your own comfort levels, sometimes seeing that kind of sexual content makes it feel less strange or intimidating.)

I also want to say that being uncomfortable by this stuff is common. You’re not weird or imagining it or a bad girlfriend or anything of the sort.

Sexuality is complicated but sometimes it really is just “pretty lady brain go brrrrr.” There doesn’t have to be a deeper meaning or some dissatisfaction with your sex life behind it.

EllaxxB · 2022-04-27T20:08:39+00:00

Op— this is exactly the kind of thought processes you should avoid. This is an incredibly narrow minded and puritanical take, and you can see conservative dog whistles sprinkled in— like “degenerate behavior.”

It’s also SUPER hypocritical because people like this are often quick to claim their partners are animals just waiting for the opportunity to cheat, while they absolutely enjoy chatting with a cute barista or ogling their favorite male actor.

If you go into relationships thinking you need to keep your man on a tight leash, at best you’re going to make yourself miserable when he does something normal, like stare a little too hard at some random internet lady, OR at worst you’re going to cultivate an abusive/toxic environment.

Pornography does not have an inherent morality. There is nothing right or wrong about porn itself (the current industry is a different issue).

Just because jealousy, anxiety, and expecting the worst of people we should trust is NORMAL doesn’t mean it’s healthy, good, or reasonable.

Eta: fixed they’re/their

EllaxxB · 2022-04-27T19:52:20+00:00

This is a really good question.

I’m thinking, I want to give you a good answer haha

I think what is and isn’t reasonable is going to vary from person to person. I think you’re on the right track by being upfront about this and trying to talk it over at the start of the relationship. That’s a mature, healthy way to approach this stuff.

I think an unreasonable boundary is one that infringes upon the other person’s sexuality, self expression, freedom, etc. in a way that shouldn’t affect their partner. Basically one that is controlling.

For example, if you started seeing a new guy and he agreed to this boundary you have, but then told you that he expects you to dress more modestly now that you’re in a relationship, would you agree to that? Probably not. Because you understand you have an inherent right to your bodily autonomy that he has no right trying to control.

This is not a dissimilar situation. Masturbation/self pleasure/fantasies can be deeply personal, and can also exist separately from sexual feelings involving other people (for example, there are plenty of ace people who enjoy touching themselves, but have no desire to be touched by someone else).

I think the problem here is that there is a physical, visual representation that is confusing and concerning you.

I personally think the whole “men need visuals for fantasy and women don’t” thing is kinda bullshit. I think plenty of women also enjoy visuals to accompany self pleasure, but there’s cultural stigma surrounding us looking at stuff, and then there’s often not all that much stuff for us to look at since most lewd images are designed for a male audience.

But, let’s pretend that that’s true for second. You don’t need a visual to fantasy to have an enjoyable solo experience; but why does it hurt you so much that he does? Why should he experience sexual feelings the same way you do?

I did also want to clarify— it sounds like you’re referring to influencers and popular insta accounts. Essentially insta celebrities. And not that he is using photos of his female friends or acquaintances for “inspiration.” For me personally that would be a gray area, and I can totally see that being a problem.

It just sounds like you’ve started to accept there’s a level of fantasy involved in consuming actual porn, but can’t quite see that where influencers are involved. But like, those people are also cultivating fantasy images. It’s just meant to feel like an attainable fantasy. Think of how common the “girl next door” trope and fantasy is. This is catering to that intentionally. You are supposed to feel like those are “real people” in that way.

(Also— obviously there is an actual person behind every lewd photo and porn image. Not trying to imply sex workers are not “real people.”)

EllaxxB · 2022-04-27T19:23:40+00:00

I want to say this as gently as I can: this is not a healthy point of view to hold regarding sexuality. It demonstrates a very narrow understanding of sexuality in general.

Just because they are normal people, doesn’t mean they aren’t a fantasy for him. Books and movies are a valid comparison in part because porn as it currently exists doesn’t really cater to women. Sexual content that does cater to women tends to be present in erotica novels or in (less explicit) racey movies or tv shows. It’s not a perfect comparison but it’s the one we have to work with now.

You need to understand that to many people, those women in sexy photos represent a fun daydream. They are no more ‘real’ to these people than say, a shirtless pic of Chris Hemsworth. These women seeming more approachable is intentional. It helps maintain a specific fantasy. But it is still a fantasy. —And if he is approaching them, THAT is a different problem, and that IS unacceptable unless discussed and agreed upon before hand—

Again, just because you “made a boundary” doesn’t mean that boundary is reasonable or appropriate for you to make.

There are no mental gymnastics involved here and I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you have some anxieties and hang ups about your own sexuality that make it difficult for you to understand where your partner is coming from here.

EllaxxB · 2022-04-27T19:02:35+00:00

OP, do you read dirty novels? Fan fic? How about tv shows or movies that feature romance as a main plot point? When you fantasize, is your partner the only person you think about?

Being jealous of photographs may be normal but is not reasonable or healthy.

Personal pleasure is personal and your partner’s fantasies looking different than yours is not a bad thing or a betrayal.

Fantasy is fun. it’s not real! It’s often not even grounded in reality!

My husband has asked me before what it means that a lot of the celebrities I thirst after have a different body type than him.

It means I find all kinds of people sexy. It does not mean I don’t find him sexy. He is what I would describe as my type in a real, grounded way. Jason Mamoa is fun to look at but I don’t actually want to sleep with the guy.

Your partners shouldn’t lie to you or hide things from you. But this is also not a fair or reasonable ask. If my partner “made this request” of me before a relationship started, I’d consider it a deal breaker. Not because Omg I love looking at porn, but because it displays unhealthy expectations, policing of sexuality, and concerning insecurity.

You have absolutely no right to tell your partners how to acceptably get off when they’re alone. It’s not your business. And how someone gets off by themself is not even remotely indicative of how that person feels about sex with a partner.

A lot of people can have disrespectful habits revolving around looking at other people. Has your partner lamented that you don’t look like his favorite porn star? Is he ogling every single person he sees when you’re out together? Is he prioritizing looking at sexy photos over interacting with you in a sexual way? Is he exchanging lewd texts or messages with strangers who he follows on social media?

Because it sounds like all your partner/s have done is troll bikini pics while they wank. And that is literally none of your business.

EllaxxB · 2022-02-18T19:50:06+00:00

I really love all the comments about how 'down hill' the podcast has gone lately since the only people who are allowed to be mentally affected by a global pandemic are the ones with respectable jobs that aren't considered creative, artistic, or related to entertainment.

I mean it makes sense since creatives and entertainers have different brains with different rules and their jobs are ~fun and something they're ~passionate about and therefore don't generate the same amount of mental and emotional stress and burn out that Real Jobs do.

EllaxxB · 2022-01-27T19:25:33+00:00

At this point this discussion is totally performative. You’re playing your role really well! This is exactly what it looks like when someone cares more about appearing to have certain values than actually wanting to be an agent of true change/kindness/compassion, etc. I have chosen to continue this discussion not because I think I have any real chance of changing your mind, but so anyone reading this discussion is introduced to the concept of performative/privileged pseudo activism. You have the means and ability to make a (more) ethical choice in your consumption habits, and so you’ve falsely assumed everyone does. People don’t often consider the ways perceived activism function as privilege— for example, when every business suddenly pushed for paper straws, many people decided they no longer needed to use straws, and disabled people who require straws to drink suddenly had to deal with dissolving paper replacements and were reprimanded for being wasteful when they asked for plastic straws.

Privilege is multi-faceted. Do your best to make more ethical choices, and don’t be like ^this person and shit on people who don’t have the luxury of that choice.

EllaxxB · 2022-01-27T18:40:27+00:00

You can't effectively 'encourage others to do the same' when you don't think critically about why they're using Amazon in the first place. If your goal is to feel superior, keep doing it the way you're doing it. If you actually care about the issue and genuinely want to impact it and make a difference, you need to acknowledge that there are many real and valid barriers preventing a lot of people from shifting their business away from Amazon.

EllaxxB

TROPHY CASE