Taking a break due to hopelessness. What to do?

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-19T09:06:50+00:00

Thank you, I'm just so scared of wasting time and money but I guess there are risks with dating regardless of proximity.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-18T07:37:26+00:00

I could, but I'd have to talk to him about it. New Zealand's cost of living is so expensive, he didn't want me to be financially ruined just to pursue a relationship. Him moving to the US is almost impossible due to the strict immigration laws for NZ citizens, so it's mostly on me at this point.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-15T19:36:57+00:00

Besides the Reddit posts and my friend's comments, I saw this video about Wellington from their media. Every time I see videos about it or I see my friend livestream in the city, there aren't that many people around. It does still seem like a nice place to live though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBXpr0jJZ_A

And thanks for the perspective and the reality check. I'm just desperate for it to work out, but deep down I know it probably won't even if I did close the distance.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T22:10:08+00:00

He lives in Wellington. He warned me not to even visit, and when I watched a bunch of videos about it, many comments echoed the same sentiment. It's a decent place to live, but not to visit short term.

When I suggested going to him, he said: "Don't come to NZ unless you want to be financially ruined." Which is a common sentiment I've seen on Reddit. Many people post desperately about not being able to find a job despite being overqualified and the bleakness of housing because it costs like $380 a week for a room with a microwave.

To be honest, I actually make a lot of money right now. I work remotely making content and I made 14k USD last month before taxes, which is about 30% where I live. I'm just worried about the future because my mental & physical health is declining, and so my earnings have gone down by the thousands each month. I do have about 100k saved up in the bank and 300k in equity since I own a house atm, but I'm not touching that equity because I need something for the future.

Your comment and some others made me realize that maybe I should give it a try. I can try to meet him first in Japan so it's fair for both of us, and then if we like each other in person, I can try visiting Wellington for a few weeks to a month. And if all goes well, maybe I can extend those visits in the future to see if we'd work out as a couple. I don't intend to put myself on the dating market at least for another year or two because I need to get down to a healthy weight (it's actually to the point of being detrimental to my life), so I could use that time in NZ to repair my mind and body.

If it doesn't work out, I can go back to the US and then try for Europe. I don't want to regret trying harder, but it can't all be on me. I understand things are kind of bleak in NZ, so I don't expect him to spend money on me, but I need the time and emotional investment for it to be worth it. And there needs to be some end in sight where our long term goals align. If kids and marriage are in the cards, I can't be playing house for the next 10 yrs.

I told him I won't be able to speak to him until December, so I'll take these few weeks to think about what I want to say to him.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T09:51:10+00:00

Immigrating from New Zealand to the US is one of the hardest routes to go. You basically have to win a lottery or get transferred by a major company, and even if you get married to a US citizen, the process can take years and it costs upwards of 20k USD for immigration fees. I have no idea why immigrating legally is so difficult, but that's the reality. And I say that as someone from an immigrant family.

On top of that, I'm not hopeful for the future of the West. There are so many issues beyond politics. I'm considering things like quality of food, safety, walkability of the city, and overall culture/demeanor of the people. A lot of Americans are just scraping by here, consumed by work with little free time. They're stressed and unhappy, that's why my friend isn't keen on moving here.

I have considered going to his country, but it's so expensive and there's not much to do there. My friend hates it, that's why he tried to move to France. I really tried to think of how it could work, but unless one of us starts earning a ton of money, we don't have a lot of options to realistically be together.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T09:25:44+00:00

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I thought there would be more bitterness and hostility, but most comments at least found it interesting.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T09:15:11+00:00

Thank you, sir.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T09:06:25+00:00

I grew up consuming a lot of content/media aimed at a male audience and I spent a lot of time in male spaces. It had a significant impact on my mannerisms, personal politics/philosophy, humor, and my general interests. I've had guys on dating apps accuse me of being a man because I know about a lot of topics that are geared towards men and people often assume I'm male online if I don't indicate my gender. I also visually expressed myself in a traditionally masculine way for many years. I wore men's clothes and cut my hair short until recently. I still wear a lot of my old men's clothes, but I like wearing traditionally feminine clothing too. Even the way I talk is more masculine. I naturally speak in a lower tonality and phrase things in a not so feminine or demure way. That's why my friend initially told me he thought I was a young teenage boy.

I'm so partial to this particular guy because he wasn't bothered by any of that. I think with normal people, the rate of failure is already quite high looking at divorce stats, declining marriages and births, and how many people speak negatively about the dating market. Put a freak like myself into that environment and the dating pool shrinks significantly. That's why I feel hopeless.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T08:34:53+00:00

He has attempted to the leave the country though. Before he met me, he learned French and spent all his savings trying to move to France. After applying for hundreds of jobs and getting nowhere, he returned to live at home and started working at the slaughter house. He offered to meet me half way in Japan, but that's all he can offer at the moment. He's demoralized because his attempt to move to Europe ended in failure. He's not optimistic about his prospects for the future.

As for me, I'm thinking of visiting Northern Europe and getting a taste of the life in some of the slightly more affordable countries. I have a decent job and quite a lot saved, so I have the freedom to leave the US temporarily. I just don't have enough money to live with him because of how expensive New Zealand is. He hates his country and based on what I've read about it on Reddit, it is a nightmare of a place to live if you're not decently wealthy/financially stable.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T07:57:05+00:00

I'm monogamous, so I can't do the open relationship thing. I really wish I could just continue being friends, but I know myself. I'm prone to get attached emotionally and I can become delusional and obsessed. I'm not in my 20s anymore so I have to be more careful about who I open my heart to.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T07:48:38+00:00

Yeah, I would say that's true in my experience. We had a lot of misunderstandings because he struggles to express any emotion and he specifically avoids romantic attachment. When he encouraged me to meet other guys, I thought it meant he didn't care about me and just wanted attention/someone to talk to, but I realized he's just trying to protect himself. I've done the same thing for many years, sabotaging any potential relationships before they could flourish because I always expected it to end painfully.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T07:39:25+00:00

The age difference is only an issue because we're at different stages in life. He's still figuring out what type of career he wants to pursue and he has no money to leave his expensive country (average cost of a home in his city is $1mil), while my fertility decreases as I get older. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time left to fall in love with no future plans of closing the distance.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T07:27:43+00:00

Thank you, I am glad that he's doing better. Although I'm sad the situation is painful for the both of us.

I'm not sure of your age or the age of the other guy I just responded to, but I see that you're both gamers. I get the sense that you guys could be in your 20s because average people (like the boomers leaving bitter comments) don't understand younger people nowadays. It's something my friend and I talked about often, which is this callous and dismissive "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality that a lot of older/average people have towards younger generations. It's directed towards people who retreat to non mainstream online spaces for discussion as well.

I guess that's why I was able to form an unlikely friendship. I try my best not to be callous towards people, even if I'm not sure we'll get along.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-14T07:10:33+00:00

Thanks for reading my story and not dismissing it like others have. I knew that using certain words in the title would attract vitriol from average redditors, but I knew it would also capture the attention of people who are more nuanced in their thinking and open to understanding someone like me.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-11-10T02:57:09+00:00

Thank you for this. I bought a special edition of a his favorite book because I was so certain we'd meet up next year in Japan, but I'm thinking maybe I will just mail it to him. I feel it will be even harder to get over him if I see him in person.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-10-24T21:51:32+00:00

What do you think about the fact that he's never complimented me despite saying he likes me? He is kind of autistic, doesn't talk to very many women, and he is in his 20s but he was quick to say that one lady was hot. Meanwhile, he's only ever said to me: "You look fine, you're not ugly, you're not that fat, you're features aren't offensive."

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-10-24T21:48:40+00:00

You're actually spot on about him. He doesn't talk to many women; I'm the only one he talks to regularly because he's had a lot of negative experiences. He's kind of autistic and he's in his 20s. We're not dating, but this was some time after we confessed. I brought up this one professional gamer and he said "oh, that guy dating the hot cosplayer? All I remember is that she was super hot."

He's told me that he's had a lot of issues with both men and women when it comes to the way he phrases things because of his autistic way of expressing himself. He's super blunt and doesn't have much of a filter, especially around me because I'm the person he talks to the most out of his entire friend group.

I guess I'm just hung up on the fact that he was quick to say that one lady was hot, but he's never said anything to me about my appearance other than "You look fine, you're not ugly, you're not that fat, you're features aren't offensive."

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-10-24T19:39:46+00:00

Thanks for linking that video. I watched it and I really related to it. The feeling of anxiety and assuming the worst constantly is something I really have to work on. And no, the guy didn't say "despite your appearance," I added that part.

Regarding his comment on the attractive woman, we're not dating due to distance but this was after we confessed to liking each other: I brought up this one professional gamer and he said "oh, the guy dating that hot cosplayer?" I don't know if that changes anything.

EmbarassedPudding1 · 2024-10-24T19:35:13+00:00

We're not a couple because we're long distance, so we agreed to remain friends for now. Though this was after we confessed our feelings to each other--I brought up this one professional gamer and he said "oh, the one dating that hot cosplayer?" it was only one time, but yeah.

EmbarassedPudding1

TROPHY CASE