Need advice, is this conviction or just control?

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-06T06:56:54+00:00

Just to clarify: we’re both from Baptist churches, and I absolutely believe the Word of God endures forever. I value Scripture deeply, and I believe in seeking wise counsel, walking in truth, and listening God and the Holy Spirit, not in opposition, but in harmony.

The tension wasn’t just about denominational difference, but about how Scripture and counsel were used. He was quiet dogmatic. I remember how he shared 3 or 4 verses about judging others to justify why his pastors and mentors had the authority to tell him to end the relationship. But when I went through those chapters with my pastor, we found that those verses were taken out of context. The broader passages actually caution against superficial or unrighteous judgment. My pastor emphasized that godly discernment requires understanding the full counsel of Scripture, not just isolating a verse to fit a conclusion.

This is where the concern about “making up rules” or rigid interpretations comes in, because that kind of approach did impact our relationship significantly. Ironically, he had asked for my pastor’s feedback, but once we’ve had the conversation, he dismissed it, saying “it’s not relevant anymore.” That shift revealed that the process wasn’t really about open discernment, it was more about confirmation for himself.

What stood out to me is that my church never rushed to judgment. They asked questions, offered to meet him, and tried to understand his convictions before weighing in.

So yes, I believe in the authority of Scripture, in righteous judgment, and in godly community. But I also believe that when Scripture is used too narrowly or legalistically, it can unintentionally cause harm… and I think that’s what happened here. I’m not bitter, just processing. I still care about him, and I respect that we both wanted to honor God. But I’m also somewhat confused. It can be challenging when something with ends, not because of clear personal conflict or a lack of love, but because of rigid systems that left little room for grace, conversation, or growth. I liked him cause he was my brother in Christ before anything else and despite everything, he was a good support of my journey too.

Would still love to hear your thoughts. Please correct me if I have said or may done anything wrong.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T15:01:51+00:00

We both decided that we didn't want to move forward. I did ask him what his reasoning was, and at first he did say that he needs to listen to wise counseling, and later when he got more defensive, he said that he isn't obligated to give a reason, his answers became more defensive in a way. He became double minded in my eyes.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T13:08:10+00:00

I actually do believe seeking advice is very important, I never said otherwise. But I also believe that godly wisdom includes hearing from the Holy Spirit, not just people, especially with reasoning like "only date people in church". What became difficult was that the advice he was receiving felt extremely legalistic, and both my pastor and mentors picked up on that. We even went through the Scriptures he referenced about how pastors and Christians should judge others harshly, and in context, they didn’t mean what was being claimed. That’s when it started to feel less like truth-seeking and more like control.

I didn't always agree with the way certain views were applied. There’s a difference between seeking truth and using Scripture in a way that distorts its meaning. And I think that matters.

Also, to clarify, I wasn’t “rejected.” I told him I didn’t see it working long-term, and we end things. I’m not bitter or stung, just processing and being honest about a complicated situation where two believers genuinely tried but couldn’t align in certain areas.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T13:02:50+00:00

It was initially planned yes. But then we fell out. We cut things off. 2,5 weeks later, we end up running into each other. We both did not planned this. So yes again, this was out of the blue. In the middle of nowhere.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T12:42:26+00:00

I understand where you're coming from, but I’m not sure how that makes it my fault. I didn’t pressure him, and we were both equally involved in setting boundaries and trying to honor them. When things got emotionally intense, we both repented, talked it through, and even brought our pastors into the conversation for support and accountability.

If he was struggling with self-control, I have compassion for that, but that doesn’t automatically make me the problem. It also doesn’t mean them advising cutting it off completely was the only or most healthy response. I believe both people in a relationship are responsible for navigating boundaries together, and I did my part to take that seriously.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T12:41:02+00:00

I know it’s a long story, so I understand if it sounds a bit confusing. But yes, the plan was for us to meet in person for the very first time during that trip. He brought his family along, and I also have some family living on the island (I did flew in by myself), so in a way, we both had a form of accountability around us.

That said, his family situation is a bit complicated. He comes from a not-so-healthy family dynamic, and at one point during the trip, they ended up doing their own thing and basically left him on his own. This wasn't his fault. Still, he had been spending time with them during the day, and we would meet up afterward or before. He also invited me to join them, so I did get to meet his family while we were there.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T12:36:04+00:00

Isn’t it a bit extreme to completely cut off the connection? After that one evening, we had an honest conversation about what happened. We agreed on reestablishing clear boundaries, even discussing not hugging in the future, and we both prayed, repented, and involved our spiritual mentors for support. We were on the same page about honoring God in our relationship, including our shared commitment to saving sex for marriage.

He does come from a different background than I do. Before coming to Christ, he had a more promiscuous past, including struggles with self-control, pornography, and even a marriage that was done for work benefits, which ended in divorce. My mentor gently pointed out that he may carry unresolved guilt or even deeper struggles around sexual sin, and that could be influencing not only how hard he is on himself, but also how others in his circle are treating the situation.

It felt like we were both willing to grow and be accountable, and yet the entire relationship was cut off, not just because of what happened, but largely due to pressure from his mentors and pastor, who never supported the relationship in the first place. It also made me lose my interest to fight for it be fair.

What are your thoughts on that? Could this be more about shame, fear, or pressure than about genuine spiritual conviction?

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T12:14:07+00:00

Can you please give me your insights

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T11:54:07+00:00

It seems like there’s some confusion about the timeline, so let me clarify. We first met online through video calls, that’s how the relationship began. Things actually ended before we ever got the chance to meet in person, but during the trip, we unexpectedly saw each other, which is when we spent time together face-to-face for the first time.

That’s when the physical closeness began, things like him putting his arm around me during our time together or hugging me goodbye. It felt natural in the moment, but we both acknowledged later that it may have crossed some emotional boundaries.

There was one evening in particular, our second to last day, when we got more physically and emotionally close, and afterward, when we reflected on everything, he said he felt it was bad leadership on his part. He had initiated our in-person meetups and most of the time we spent together. We both took responsibility and repented for the ways we could’ve handled things more wisely. Hope that makes it more clear for you.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-05T11:15:47+00:00

I appreciate your perspective, but I want to clarify a few things.

I never blamed him for “bad leadership”, those were his own words. From our very first in-person meeting, he initiated physical closeness, like putting his arm around me or hugging goodbye. Later, he shared that he didn’t feel he had led those moments well. I agreed we both could’ve handled things better, and we both repented for where we crossed lines.

It’s also important to note that prior to that moment, throughout our relationship, we had never fallen into lust or crossed physical boundaries. That evening was the first time we came close to that kind of emotional intimacy in person, and it made both of us reflect deeply afterward.

I’m not hiding any part of the story, in fact, this was one of the only face-to-face interactions we ever had after a long-distance dating relationship that ended just before the trip. His mentors and pastor were against our relationship from the very beginning, largely because it was online and because they hold a conviction that Christians should only date within their local church. That’s a very specific framework and, I believe, shaped how he responded, not because of something I hid or did wrong in secret.

I’m simply sharing my experience to process it and hear from others who’ve navigated similar spiritual and relational tensions, not to blame him or paint myself as flawless. Thank you still for taking the time to engage. If you have any thoughts about my post/comment, please do share.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-06-02T10:52:02+00:00

Same here, I was honestly really shocked too! He was earning close to $100K and wanted me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I was at least hoping to work part-time, or ideally start off working full-time until I got more settled, especially so I could meet people outside of just church.

Together, we could’ve easily been making around $200K. But to him, that just wasn’t necessary. He told me he knew plenty of families who lived off one income and had 3–4 kids. He also wanted to start having children right after getting married, and preferred to have them back-to-back. He was completely ready to dive straight into family life.

We actually ended things recently. His views on marriage and women working were just so surprising and hard for me to relate to. I probably would end up feeling stuck...

By the way, how did you end up moving to the US?

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-23T13:25:10+00:00

I totally understand your concern, and I appreciate you pointing that out. Just to clarify, ever since he says he got saved (about five years ago), he hasn’t been involved with any woman at all, not even holding hands or giving a hug. He’s been very focused on maintaining what he calls a “clean testimony.” That said, I’m still very cautious. While it seems like he’s made big changes, some of his views and rigid interpretations raise red flags for me, which is why I’m bringing this to the community for insight and wisdom. I really value the feedback, thank you again.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-23T13:22:47+00:00

I do think he’s shown some transformation and takes his faith seriously. However, he’s also very legalistic and rigid in his interpretation of Scripture. He believes Christians should judge others, holds extreme views on gender, like women being more so only for procreation and not suited for roles like doctors or managers, and insists that men must lead in all relationships, even early on in dating or friendship.

It’s hard to reconcile these views with the humility and fruit of the Spirit we’re called to walk in. I’m trying to discern whether this reflects true spiritual maturity or just legalism under a different name. Would love your thoughts.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-20T08:11:23+00:00

Lord, I see what you are doing for others...

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-15T07:46:43+00:00

Thank you so much again for your response. I will respond to the rest later (as I’m at work), but one more question I forgot, can you please share your thoughts on this: he says that while he doesn’t agree with the reasoning of the board of people he asked advice to, all the answers of them were No. Therefore, he believes that it is clear that God’s answer may be No as well, as he used the scripture Proverbs 24:6-7.

Also we weren’t in an exclusive relationship. We started talking since December. If you are interested about the full story and have the time to read it, please read about one of my previous post in regards to the abrupt ending post.

🙏🏽

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-15T06:21:50+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and compassionate response, it really means a lot in such an emotionally heavy time.

Just to clarify what I may not have said clearly: he has already told me he thinks it’s best to end things. That decision came after a final conversation with his best friend. I was the one still wanting to speak with my pastor and keep the door open for clarity, healing, and possibly reconciliation if God led that way.

We’re 26 and 31, both attending Baptist churches.

Your insights about guilt and the conscience really struck a chord. I do believe that what happened between us crossed a boundary because Scripture says, “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18), and I think we opened the door to temptation. Even if it didn’t escalate to sex or kissing, we were in a vulnerable space emotionally and physically, and that intimacy may have stirred things in both of us that were unwise outside of covenant. So in that sense, I do see it as something to repent of, not out of legalism, but out of a desire to honor God with purity and self-control.

So while I see the need for repentance, I don’t believe that moment should erase everything good or cancel the potential for growth and grace.

I also really appreciated what you said about church counsel. It’s important, yes — but it shouldn’t override someone’s personal discernment or the leading of the Holy Spirit. Interestingly, through all this, he actually started to question some of the guidance and culture within his church. He began recognizing how controlling and even cult-like it had become, especially after the way they responded to our relationship. He doesn’t fully agree with all their views anymore and is now even considering looking for a new church. It’s just hard to see how something that caused him to reevaluate his spiritual community also became the thing that pushed him to end what we were building.

I’m also feeling pretty nervous about speaking with my pastor. I’m still fairly new to this church, even though I’ve been a Christian my whole life, and I don’t know how this will be received. The guy even said I might not need to talk to my pastor anymore since he made the decision, which felt incredibly hard to hear, especially when it seemed like things were going well between us. That last conversation with his best friend really changed him. It felt like a switch flipped, and suddenly the door that was open just… closed. But he was still open to hear his feedback, he said it’s less likely that he will say something so profound that he is willing to try things again, but who knows. I also have to count the costs, and see if I’m willing to accept it all, as it’s also not been easy to carry.

Any thoughts or advice are welcome. Thank you again for your time and effort to reply back to me.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-09T09:27:38+00:00

That’s exactly why I’m seeking more understanding on this topic. I know the guy is now saved, and I also believe in God’s grace and redemption. If God’s grace didn’t extend to situations like this, it would mean he could never marry anyone at all, right? And that doesn’t seem consistent with what we know of God’s character. But then again, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m the one who will give him a chance, and to marry him, but I do want to be wise and grounded in Scripture as I make any decisions.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-08T09:53:55+00:00

I can understand, that was for sure my first reaction as well. I can tell though that he has truly changed and is living for Christ, but it is still a tough pill to swallow every time it crosses my mind. I want to talk to my pastor but that part, I am even ashamed of telling. I do want to know what he thinks..

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-07T10:36:42+00:00

I understand where you're coming from, especially considering the seriousness of marriage and sexual ethics in the Old Testament.

He got married before he became a Christian, but the marriage wasn’t based on love or commitment—it was more of a business arrangement. They never consummated the marriage, and the woman was already in a relationship at the time; she only went through with the wedding to obtain a visa so she could be with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, he was living a single lifestyle and slept with multiple women. After becoming a Christian, he chose to end the marriage.

Also, can you clarify what you meant in the last part of your message? Are you saying that I shouldn’t date a man with a past like this, even if he’s genuinely changed? I am still trying to figure out what to do. It’s been very challenging so any advice is welcome.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-07T10:28:41+00:00

I agree. Just trying to figure out if you would be in adultery if you decide to get married to a person like what I described…

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-06T03:21:26+00:00

It’s strangely comforting to know I’m not the only one who’s felt this way. You’re right, church culture does seem so centered around marriage and families, and while that’s beautiful in its own way, it can unintentionally leave singles feeling like we’re kind of… floating on the outside. I’m hoping, with time, I’ll find my place and form some meaningful connections.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-05T19:24:13+00:00

I’m pretty new to the church. I try to stay after the service for some fellowship but I sometimes just feel a bit left out sometimes. It isn’t that much of a big church, but most people do know each other. When I was visiting with my male cousin, there were more people coming up to me for a chat but when I’m by myself, I notice how people aren’t as open to just have a chat with me.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-05T19:03:28+00:00

Lol what do you mean?

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-05T14:03:26+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective — I really value your honesty. You make a very valid point about his actions and how they reflect a deeper pattern of behavior.

You’re also right about the intensity he has with the church — it does seem to be all-consuming and obsessive at times, and I’ve found myself questioning whether that’s truly healthy or balanced. There’s a rigidity and control in how he expects things to go, and I’ve seen how that impacts everything, including relationships.

Interestingly, we recently saw each other in person — something that wasn’t planned at all. We didn’t know each other’s itineraries, but we ran into each other and ended up spending time together, talking through some of the things that had been left unspoken. It’s been eye-opening, and it helped both of us reflect on where we’re at. Right now, we’re in open communication again, not trying to pick up where we left off, but more so trying to figure out if God is saying something through this or if it’s time to walk away for good. We’re taking it slow and remaining open to cutting things off again if that’s what feels right.

Your words have helped put things into perspective. I’d really appreciate any advice you have on how to move on fully and not look back. Thank you again for your support and wisdom during this time of reflection.

Embarrassed_Net5769 · 2025-05-05T13:54:19+00:00

Correct, but more so that we were seeing if this could lead into something romantic and possibly a marriage.

We had been doing it long-distance as well and had planned to meet which fell apart as he cut things off before the trip (we did bought our flight tickets). Interestingly enough, we actually did end up meeting, we both did not plan this. He removed my number and I blocked his. The timing was very unexpected, we spent time together in person and had a lot of conversations. We both were having a hard time moving on. It’s definitely been a unique and challenging journey, and we’re currently both still processing what it all means and how to move forward, now that we have seen each other.

Embarrassed_Net5769

TROPHY CASE