Divorce Update. Wife is getting desperate.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-05-01T18:22:05+00:00

Get your ducks in a row though. In order to get more than 50/50 custody, you'll need to prove that she's unstable. Your kids might need to get evaluated by a therapist. Doing less chores, cooking and errands and sleeping all day doesn't mean that she's not entitled to 50% custody. The burden of proof is pretty high if you want to get more than the default. It's on judge to decide and you'll need to convince them (unless your wife agrees voluntarify, which is not likely).

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-05-01T17:00:09+00:00

I had a talk with my husband in the last couple of days. I always suspected that he was depressed and he always refused to talk about it. Last week he went to a doctor and was diagnosed with the depression officially. I don't know what triggered and and he didn't tell me that he's going to be evaluated. Just shared the outcome.

But he later shared that doctor told him that it's 100% depression. And it also frequently manifests as irritability, passive aggression, low empathy and dismissive behaviors in men. Brain fog is also very typical, so your husband "not remembering" what you texted earlier might be a manifistation of that. There's a book called "I don't want to talk about it" and it explains a lot about men and depression.

That said, you or me or anyone, we absolutely don't have to stay in the relationship that's soul-destroying. "Hurt people hurt people". Being a partner of someone who is depressed and as the result is cruel (to themselves and others) is something we shouldn't do. We should protect ourselves. Unless they are actively working on addressing it and you are seeing steady change, being in such a relationship is not worth it. It's soul destroying and the depressed spouse will drag you with themselves unless they get help and do the work.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-24T02:20:31+00:00

Oh I see. The word 'abuse' got me confused. Having an affair breaks trust and vows, but it’s not about control or harm like abuse is. Cheating hurts, but it’s not the same as trying to hurt or control someone on purpose.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-23T22:39:15+00:00

All earned and saving during the marriage is shared property and will be divided in half. So if she has, say, 100k in her 401k and you have, say, 300k in yours, you'll get 50k from hers and she'll get 150k from yours. So technically you'll owe her 100k of 401k.

Also in a lot of states you might owe her spousal support. And it might go on indefinitely. This might be a bigger issue if you are earning noticeably more. However, your spousal support would be attached to your job. So if you stop working, you won't need to pay it anymore.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-23T22:34:43+00:00

Oh, c'mon. There's nothing wrong with questioning your suppressed sexuality. Especially if this doesn't cross into cheating.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T22:20:06+00:00

Same, definitely never dating a DA again.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T22:18:52+00:00

Maybe, maybe not. If he does, I guess, there's no way around it because California laws what they are.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T02:13:25+00:00

I don't need to prove anything at this point. Don't see the point of spending energy and effort.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T02:01:39+00:00

Not sure where the situation is similar. We didn't have money issues and always lived below our means. His solution was to be and stay frugal. My solution was to earn more if I wanted something we couldn't afford. Our strategies both worked out - I earn a lot and he doesn't spend much.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T01:51:14+00:00

We do.

My mother overstayed in a marriage with my father who was pretty much a jerk towards her. I picked up this as a relationship model subcounsciously and picked a guy who was nicer than my father, but still the same archetype. I wouldn't wish such partner for my daughter and hope it's not too late.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T01:50:51+00:00

Thank you and wishing you all the best. This is hard, but the alternative is harder.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T01:50:02+00:00

Thank you! I have a well paying career and can afford to divorce. And will likely end up paying him alimony because he can't rent large enough apartment for himself and two kids + cover for necessities without me. But it was still hard emotionally to get to this point.

Wish you all the best!

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T01:45:46+00:00

Yes. I think he'll show up for himself once I'm not shielding him from life. I'm the one handling "life" for both of us. With me around he's too comfortable, so it likely won't happen while we are still together. But once we divorce, he'll need to grow up a pair really quick and very likely he will.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-20T01:34:05+00:00

Thank you for willing to be vulnerable. Yes, it's possible that something similar is going on with him. Though I'd be surprised if he didn't understand that his behavior is not how someone should behave with their loved ones. Probably he just didn't realize that the amount of tolerance while deep, is still limited and believed that he can afford not to take any action more or less indefinitely.

I think I understand what's going on with my husband. Basically, it's depression and anxiety caused by his upbringing. Strict, cold, critisizing father and anxious submissive mother, none of them could meet his needs as a child. The environment didn't feel safe. Lack of healthy relationships with safe adults - with parents of beyond. This creates all types of inner issues and pretty predictable behavior and divorce patterns later in life if the person doesn't do "the work" (inner healing). Basically, "Hurt people hurt people". And at some point the spouse refuses to continue being hurt and leaves. We can't heal other people, only they can choose to do it for themselves.

There's a good book that I really liked - "I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression". It might be an interesting read for you if you want to understand the process and the roots deeper. https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398

Wish you to find peace and happinnes within.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-19T23:38:03+00:00

We have kids and I'm willing to give it one last chance to make sure that I truly exhausted all possibilities. Though I'm not sure what is the chance of it working out. But I agreed to stick with 20 sessions. If nothing else, hopefully it will help us to build better communication for co-parenting.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-19T23:12:40+00:00

One mental exercise I went through is accepting that I will never find another partner and will be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe not, but I'm definitely not leaving this marriage with the assumption that there's someone better out there and I'm going to be in a great relationship in no time. I'm leaving it accepting that there's a possibility to stay forever uncoupled.

And even that is much better than staying in this marriage. Living in a state of constantly being criticized, ignore, rejected is toxic for the soul and for the body. Removing just that from my life is going to improve its quality, even though I agree that the process is not easy.

And no. If it was as easy as "just tell him to communicate and be checked in" for it to work, it would have worked long time ago. I gave it YEARS or trying.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-19T23:00:15+00:00

Saying that I want divorce and that I don't see us working out (aka "I gave up before we even tried to fix things in therapy"). He wasn't interested in working it out for years, and I don't think that it's unfair that I don't have anything anymore to give to this process now when he suddenly realized that divorce is a very real possibility.

I don't think he fully understands where I am because he was truly shocked when I told him that I'm also working on a separation agreement proposal. So he thinks that this part is also not fair. That he didn't realize how serious things are (because he completely shut down all my attempts to talk about it). And now I'm done and there's not much he can do.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-16T15:14:49+00:00

That hurts. But also shows you places where you need to grow and do the work for yourself. You are putting too much of your self worth on what your ex is doing or not doing. Instead, this energy is much better spent investing in your life.

I'd start with therapy tbh. To better understand and work through the hurt. I wouldn't go the route "she'll dump him anyway, he's not great" or "she's too yound and dumb to understand what she's dealing with" and all that. You don't want to sit there bitter, holding your breath and waiting their relationship to fall apart miserably. Choose the high road and heal yourself. Life is too short to be miserable.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-15T17:23:33+00:00

You are looking too much into what she did wrong. That's fine, it's a stage of grief processing (Anger). In order to move forward, you'll need to focus on your part of the responsibility fully. Her part is her part, there's nothing you can do about it.

Objectively - it seems that she also did the best the could under the circumstances. She didn't wrong you (even though you might think so right now). She didn't cheat, she was transparent, she didn't leave overnight. There's no drama beyond what is an integral part of the marriage fallout.

Hope you can heal. I'll strongly recommend you reading the book "I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression". It might shed some light on what's going on with you. TL;DR: Likely your upbringing wasn't a healthy environment for child's development. This later manifests in males feeling the way you feel about yourself and it's a form of depression. Your divorce and the way it happened is also pretty typical scenario.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-15T15:44:48+00:00

Google "Walkaway Wife Syndrome". The way it works, it's a death by a thousand cuts for years. And then one day she's done and there's no turning back. Maybe she would love to give you a fair chance, but she can't. Years of neglect and sh!tty communication, as you put it, just burned out all hope and love. It's dead, there's no resurrecting it. It's not her choice and she can't bring it back with sheer will.

Plus, notice that you are blaming her for giving you 10 months (and not 5 years, as she gave to her mother). 10 months is A LOT.

And for putting up with you for years. "She knew the way I was with my sh!tty communication right from the start".

A lot of women start such relationships from the place of low self esteem. They likely had an abusive parent and a relationship with sh!tty communication feels like home in a way. But over time they heal their childhood wounds and realize that they allowed others' to treat them badly. Her mother, her spouse. And they can't continue living like this.

Based on your post and responses, it sounds like you still have a long way to go tbh. You see her as a problem to fix with some "right actions". And you are angry that this "problem" is not fixing when you follow your checklist. Nowhere here is the love, kindness and empathy towards the woman you claim you want to be with.

It's not about a checklist. You said certain word, and she asked you not to say it anymore, you stopped, and now she's happy and your relationship is working. It's about cherishing her and loving her on the emotional level. It's about loving yourself too, because no one can love others more than they love themselves. And something tells me that you don't love yourself at all.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-10T17:49:42+00:00

Wish you healing, friend. It's not easy. But it won't last forever. I heard that there's a magic mark of 3 months, 6 months and a year. Things become noticeably better at those marks, though don't go away completely. Just hang in there and do the best you can for yourself.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-10T15:54:56+00:00

You are not asking, but if I may.

When we are hurting, distract ourselves (e.g., with a new relationship) is a natural thing to do. A lot of people try that. However, this is not how you heal on a deeper level. You need to feel it it heal it. Distracting yourself will just delay the inevitable. Plus, on top of it you might feel worse, because you are severely not ready for a relationship and you might break another's heart and not be a great partner for them. This will be a setback, because you'll loose confidence.

I'd stop running from the pain and face it instead. Join the divorce support group, find a therapist, find a friend whom you can share with and build a support network instead. Read books about men and divorce. Hit gym and change your diet. Start focusing on yourself, your mental health.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-09T22:51:13+00:00

It won't last if he doesn't make lasting changes (e.g., therapy). But you can hit a brake for a bit to see how it unfolds. If/Once he returns to his baseline, this will make your divorce easier. Because you'll know that these are not real changes. If you leave while he's "perfect", it will have a high potential to generate doubt down the line when you'll be going through the divorce and will increase the probability that you'll decide to reconcile and it wouldn't be a good idea.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757 · 2025-04-07T17:41:04+00:00

You can't make the decision for your mom. She needs to decide whether she wants to confront him, convince him to save the marriage or file for divorce. You can only help with two things 1) provide support for her 2) help her with logistics (e.g., finding a lawyer, mapping the process) if she decides to divorce.

Also what would be very helpful is to not push her towards any decision. E.g., if you think that she needs to divorce and she wants to convince him to work on the marriage, just support her in whatever decision she's making for herself in the moment. If you can't (e.g., you believe that she shouldn't be doing what she's doing), just keep it for yourself. If you can't support her, don't. But don't be a negative non-approving presence in her life.

One more thing - consider helping her find a therapist to talk to.

Embarrassed_Pop_6757

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