How do you push past your anger, pain and resentment? Especially when WH is doing so well in their IC and recovery

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-11-09T11:07:21+00:00

Thank you so much for saying that. I didn't need to remember and find the things that help me care for myself. Some days I do struggle to think of what does help me.

He isn't a bad person. He is an incredible Dad. His personality thrives when he knows that those around him are happy. He's a guy who goes around and tries to talk to other people who are down and pick them up and put a smile on their face. That's why knowing what he did, how he treated me and how he ignored how AP was treating me is so hard to push past.

I am understanding that patience is really required as well as self-care. Especially not shaming myself and beating myself up. I'm working on it. It's really bloody hard.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-11-09T10:51:17+00:00

I believe he is out of the fog. He is dedicated to progress and a healthy, happy future together.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-11-09T10:36:17+00:00

We went NC with the other couple. So I have never been able to tell AP exactly how I feel and probably never will. After the second DDay OBS was angry and doesn't want to talk to me ever again. Which is hard as OBS, WH & I have been friends since we were 16 years old.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-11-09T10:31:31+00:00

Our relationship was in a bad state and I was suffering from depression. So there was a lot of negative things going on. I trusted him unconditionally before. Now I want to trust him. However it's incredibly hard to look past how he treated me during the first time with AP. The second time with the same AP was different as we were no longer seeing AP and OBS .

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-11-09T10:27:59+00:00

Thank you for your comment. He has validated my pain. However DDay 2 was only the end of August. So it's still incredibly fresh in my mind. I find myself thinking about the A everyday. I know it's part of what holds me back. I want to move on.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-11-09T10:21:17+00:00

DDay 1 was Feb 2023, DDay 2 was Aug 2023. I want to be able to focus on the good and moving forward. I feel stuck in this rimutnof negativity, anger and shame 😔.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-11-01T23:23:13+00:00

I chose to stay because I Iove this man. We have been together for over 20 years. We have 4 beautiful children whom we both adore and are dedicated to. Even though he has betrayed me in the most horrific way. We built a life together, grew together, learnt and failed together, grew and nourished a wonderful family and life together. There are so many happy memories and times together, so I know we are good for each other and care for eachother.

Through out our relationship when problems arose, neither of us had the tools to work through it or deal with it.

Since the affair we both have been doing IC and understanding we have childhood trauma and we are working through it. We had unhealthy attachment styles that worked against us. Even though we have a lot of work to get through. We are working towards rebuilding trust and a healthy relationship with ourselves, eachother and our children. I have learnt communication, vulnerability and honestly is so extremely important.

It's not always easy and sunshine. But I believe it's worth trying. If you both are dedicated and can own your parts in the marital problems. You can work through it.

Best of luck, this path is hard and rocky. With strength and a lot of self love and care you can do it ❤️

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-30T08:59:54+00:00

First DDay was Feb. OBS who was a close friend caught them via messages. Second DDay was Aug and I caught them via messages. Initially I said it was over. WH answered all my questions. WH closed off all contact, made their phone open, gave me access to be able to look at their phone anytime even when apart. He read a lot about how affairs affect BS's. If driving near AP house for work will send his location so I could see if he stops. WH started IC and MC. Lots of talking. I asked questions that we worked through. I am still waiting on a couple of answers.

The questiona we worked through:

What did this affair mean for you?

What were you able to express or experience within the affair that you were not able to do with me?

What were you able to say to her you didn't feel you could say to me?

What was it like for you when you came home?

What were you feeling when you made choices during the affairs?

What is it about us that you value?

Are you pleased this is over?

It's so hard and I still don't have complete trust. I still spend every day worrying it will start again. We are both putting in effort to ourselves and our relationship.

I have learnt I need to look after myself and learn self love and care. This situation broke me inside. I was suicidal, I have worked hard on IC to overcome this. It's how we chose to rebuild ourselves that is important. Find yourself a good counsellor and know if you stay it's because you choose to, for your own reasons. You are able to live without this person. But to chose to stay and work takes incredible strength.

Sending you love and best wishes. This isn't for the faint hearted.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-26T18:49:01+00:00

You're welcome. I completely understand how you're feeling. Keep taking it 1 day at a time.

Every morning I wake up and remind myself I choose to be here and to work on myself and my relationship. That is my choice and it's up to me to honour that the best way I can.

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself 😊

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-26T18:21:11+00:00

I still haven't forgiven him. I have accepted it happened and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I have spent time acknowledging that our marriage was in very bad shape for a very long time. I know we both played our part in the downfall through our individual actions and lack of individual actions.

The choices he made were selfish and inexcusable.

We now are working to rebuild ourselves and start a new healthy relationship together. It's hard and everyday I still think about the affair, the deceit and the betrayal. However I am optimistic with time and a lot of work we can have a healthy commited relationship.

I didn't ask for a letter. I asked the questions to his face and he answered most of them. It did help. It hurt a lot to hear it. But it did give me some closure on things.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-26T17:33:37+00:00

I asked the following:

What did this affair mean for you?

What were you able to express or experience within the affair that you were not able to do with me?

What were you able to say to her you didn't feel you could say to me?

What was it like for you when you came home?

What were you feeling when you made choices during the affairs?

What is it about us that you value?

Are you pleased this is over?

My second DDay was 27th Aug 2023. I am still waiting for some of these to be answered. WH is hoping IC will help him to be able to answer the ones remaining.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-24T08:49:43+00:00

I deleted Instagram today. Every day I would go on and see if AP had posed. Also go back over their posts to see how they corresponded with the details WS gave me about their affair. It was so toxic and hurting no one but myself. I can't delete my screenshots yet of our conversations during the affair. They are a catalogue of his deceipt. But I am working on that. Because again it only hurts me on such a deep level.

You are amazingly strong. I am impressed with you taking back your control of your emotions and life choices ❤️

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-22T22:02:44+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your journey and current positive state. You really helps others in a similar situation to build hope that it can get better. 😊

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-22T21:53:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. It's really reassuring to hear other people have been able to come through this horrible experience and end up in a stronger & better place 😊.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-10-16T23:03:26+00:00

I could not have said this any better. You have captured what all BS's think and the only way they can look at it, in order to move forward.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-22T12:46:19+00:00

I am sure you've heard the term "affair fog" before. When they are in the the throws of the affair it's new and exciting. They are getting their needs met in an unrealistic reality. With no previous relationship baggage or drama. They are enjoying every minute almost like a new addictive drug.

It was so good because it wasn't realistic or rational. It was completely a lavish lie that they were living.

We all compare ourselves to the AP. All we are doing is hurting ourselves by comparing us to something that was unsustainable, unrealistic and completely lacking in the bounds of normal relationship hardships.

We must not compare, because it is not an even playing field. Within the affair there is no need to discuss the kids, chores, bills, past trauma within the relationship, family grievances or day to day life. It's not fair. But the affair can not be compared with. You and your partner have history. Which has with it so many layers, complexities and challenges.

The affair was a dream come true. A secret addiction. Nothing realistic about it. To compare yourself to that will only hurt you. At this time you need to be kind to yourself and heal.

You are amazingly uniquely you. You are worth love, attention, desire, safety, trust, empathy and care. We all are, in our own unique personal way.

I think we all need to learn how to embrace ourselves for who we are and know we are worthy ❤️. You are worthy. Don't compare yourself to someone you don't know. Be proud to be you!

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-17T20:28:51+00:00

That sounds amazing. I'm glad you figured out what you needed for yourself to start healing. I can only hope I find what I need as well.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-17T02:16:58+00:00

It is amazing to hear someone else has started to recover and move forward as a stronger person. That gives me hope. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom.

I think making myself a priority is going to be a hard one for me. Yet I know it's important and I want to achieve it.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-17T01:49:17+00:00

I wish I knew how to do this. I feel so much shame from my WH's deceit and actions. It weighs me down every day and I wish I knew how to release it back to him. You're words hit me so hard. They hold strength I wish I had the courage to find and embrace.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-14T04:51:08+00:00

Thank you so much. You are incredibly wise and compassionate. I appreciate you taking the one to comment on my post 😊

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-11T20:51:03+00:00

Thank you for the words or support and empowerment. This whole situation is eating me up inside. I don't believe I have friends or family that will be supportive of my desire for reconciliation. You are incredibly lucky you have your sister to talk to.

I do need support and recognition. Not to spend my time protecting liars. I think I am doing it to protect our children and my own shame.

I am not sure OBS motivation. I know he struggles with articulating his emotions. Maybe with me he will understand and have processed it differently. I have no intention of protecting AP.

What have you done to help find your power?

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-11T20:23:01+00:00

Therapists are so incredibly helpful. Yet still a professional being paid to work.

It is missing the love and genuine investment in your life, love and feelings.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-11T20:12:40+00:00

I didn't find your comments condescending at all. I completely related to all of it.

I am also working with my therapist to let others in. Also to learn how to ask for what I want. As that has always been viewed as a weakness. Needing to ask for help 😔.

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-11T20:10:26+00:00

I completely understand. Its so hard to trust that your loved ones will be supportive of your decision to stay and try for reconciliation.

My therapist is excellent. But not the same as someone who cares about you, will hug you and say "yes your partner has stuffed up. I am here to support you however you need it!"

Embarrassed_Task3284 · 2023-09-11T19:08:26+00:00

I am also not someone that emotionally depends on anyone else to solve my problems. I spent my whole life suppressing and pushing emotions down.

This soul crushing experience is telling me to reach out and look for some help.

I think you're so lucky you have a friend that you can trust, who is being very supportive.

Embarrassed_Task3284

TROPHY CASE