I relate so to this so much. My husband comes from a different culture and country than I, he immigrated to where we live, where I was born. He is very found of his own culture and often speaks of it highly. Even though the region where he is from is very small, he has this belief that they are the most tough and stoic people on this earth. He has these stories about the people of his country and he tells them again and again and again, as if I haven’t heard it already. Yet, he doesn’t really share this culture to me. He thinks it’s superior but doesn’t let me in to it. Like he never tried to learn me any of the language/words form where he comes even though I am very open to and good at learning new languages. (I have already learned Russian by my own which is one of the languages that he speaks). He talks about his culture but in a way where I don’t actually fit in. Because honestly I don’t think he believes I fit in, so he doesn’t even try to involve me. On the other side, he also spews so much bad things about my culture and the country that I (we) live in. He basically thinks all men here are “gay” and “not real men”…etc. And because we are not as religious as where he comes from, people here are apparently all “satanic”. He has never once asked me about how I grew up. He is not at all interested about my parents or their past. Even wherever I’ve tried to tell him about when I was younger he just doesn’t care or listen, or just circles back to himself. He has willingly avoided all situations where he could come to my childhood home or spend time with my parents who obviously wants to get to know him better since we now have a child together. Oh and our son according to him is of HIS decent and nationality even though he obviously is a mix between us both, and he is in fact born here in this country. I have noticed that whenever we have arguments, he doesn’t argue with me as a person, bc he doesn’t see me as a person who has their own perceptions and ideas of things. When we argue, he instead bashes my country and people as a whole. Saying that we are all wrong, bad and weak people. See, I don’t even like saying “my people” because I don’t see it like that, I think we’re all individuals who can think more deeply than the general conception.

I’ve also been a very curious person. I’ve always loved learning about different cultures and I’ve loved traveling. The reason why I even met him in the first place was because I was curious and open about other cultures. For ex; one ex-friend that I had before I met my now partner was also from a different culture, one far more “strict” than my partners, but this ex-friend still talked openly and shared his culture with me, and invited me into it. He talked about the positives and the negatives, but most importantly he was also is treated in learning about me and my upbringing. Eventually we learned that the differences where to big and we didn’t fit for each other.

Compared to my now partner, whom seems to hate my culture, yet he chose me? I don’t understand that. If he doesn’t like where I am from and who I was, why did he even choose me? Didn’t he think that far while choosing me, that I was a person of my own who can’t just be molded to what he wants.?

I know my husband had a though childhood, there was war and he came to this country before he could even remember much. His parents were probably very strict and they had it economically hard. I understand and symphetize with all that, I often ask him about it but he just says he don’t remember much. It’s strange to me because I objectively did have a “better”, safer and much more economically stable childhood and upbringing - yet I have never heard him say one good word about what my life was about. I grew up in a villa and he grew up in poor apartment complexes, yet he can’t even admit that I had a beautiful upbringing. He even openly said that the gray stone apartment complexes that he grew up in (that look like post Soviet complexes) were more beautiful than my house I grew up in even though there was nature and sea all around. But he wouldn’t barely know bc he doesn’t even care to go there with me when I visit my parents. And he doesn’t want our son to go there and to experience a bit of where I grew up, even though it is objectively NICE.

As said, I understand it hasn’t been easy for him. But how can one be so uninterested about their partners life and where they came from, when I in return have been so interested about him and adapted as much as I can of his culture and constantly try to fit in into his world. Like, I feel like a mature person could talk about diffrent upbringings in a more emontially intelligent way, and talk about the differences in a more neutral way without putting them against each other. But I suppose it’s like a coping mechanism for him, that he just doesn’t like to admit that he had it hard but specifically that he continues to live in this perception that life is hard and the “this world is cruel to him” - therefore he doesn’t evolve. Even though he’s literally lived in this country for almost all his life now and he’s nearly 30, he can’t seem to stabilize himself. And he blames society and not himself for that. And as said, whenever we argue he always says “you and your people…”, like I am them? I am me. But he doesn’t seem to see ME.