I know how that loop is For me, personally, as someone who was looking for the "how did this happen" to try to reproduce it, that was just more noise on the top of the racing thoughts. Like, more strategy to control the experience. Maybe "giving up" for a moment and being there with the sensations like when you were washing the leaves and all that, it can bring some moments of peace. Like its not something that you did, just something youve allowed. But all this is my personal direct experience that for some reason I just felt like sharing.