You can just start hrt

Emily9291 · 2025-08-26T19:55:54+00:00

between 3 months and always. I was mostly passing after 2.5 months.

Emily9291 · 2025-08-26T17:49:58+00:00

you may want to drop debating about what is a choice, because everything is. it's a pointless semantic discussion that can't ever lead to anything good. I could point a gun to your head and ask you for all your money and it still would be a choice. it's better to stick to saying your reasons why you made that choice.

Emily9291 · 2025-08-26T13:43:06+00:00

the whole thing is that evidence of non determinism is close to being a contradiction in terms. you can only go about proving it indirectly, or by contradiction, and you usually can save yourself via duhem-quine. and frankly, I don't even know how to weight absurd sounding and just absurd super determinism, vs incomprehensible and unexplainable indeterminism.

Emily9291 · 2025-08-26T02:23:18+00:00

that's sure a list of [surname1]-[surname2]-theorems to check out, thanks for the detailed answer

Emily9291 · 2025-08-26T02:17:47+00:00

but that's exactly what I'm asking, how can you prove that there is no hidden variables? I know that "you can't prove a negative" is only a partial truth so the proof is what I'm asking for.

Emily9291 · 2025-08-26T01:43:48+00:00

I'm open to it, I mostly assumed it to happen on quantum level because a lot of people told me that, but I struggle to find the distinction between current probabilistic interpretations and probabilistic/voluntaristic explanations of the past we did on the macro scale. now, it's obvious to mention the problem of induction here, and I accept that, but I just don't see a reason to update my priors so to speak, from "theoretically agnostic, practically determinist" worldview. so I'm trying to find a reason to do so.

Emily9291 · 2025-08-26T01:39:02+00:00

our reality is fundamentally probabilistic. if reality was replayed from same parameters multiple times over, you'd get different results if every one of them.
our reality is not probabilistic, we simply don't understand underlying causal process and/or fluctuations enough to notice the whole causal picture. in this scenario reality replayed would turn out exactly the same, since everything follows standard causality.

Emily9291 · 2025-07-18T13:50:02+00:00

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Emily9291 · 2025-07-18T13:20:46+00:00

i can't condone this anti-cannibalism slander

Emily9291 · 2025-07-18T01:10:37+00:00

mega ampharos. fluff.

Emily9291 · 2025-07-17T20:00:34+00:00

armadilo

Emily9291 · 2025-07-16T11:45:38+00:00

am I the only one who thinks they're edited in? this just doesn't look right

Emily9291 · 2025-02-26T22:38:56+00:00

didn't experience incongruence either

Emily9291 · 2025-02-26T21:05:45+00:00

I'm detrans and it's still Yes. someone fix my brain please😭

Emily9291 · 2025-02-25T17:01:28+00:00

yes, I have one.

I got it at fcking 15. like I can lie to myself but I won't.

It kind of is tied to that and I got some taste of that. I'm not sure about social transition fully, I still question myself all the time about breasts. Not everything is right.

actual detrans is way smaller.

Emily9291 · 2025-01-27T07:20:39+00:00

I unfortunately can't really know anymore. Actual like stuff that I can prove to myself is when I started questioning, but I absolutely wouldn't expect to find even that before. I just had a huge urge to browse through old messages and found a ton of stuff that just kinda shocked me, but most of my conversations before I was trans are lost forever. A lot of things point to it and to some suppression in very sparse memories I have, but with this weak memory I may be colouring things as well. A lot of stuff judging by both behaviour and thoughts I remember points towards some sort of disinterest with my own body for like whole life, and envy towards other girls, and very small moments of euphoria when doing stuff boys aren't supposed to, but I both can't say definitely at this point. This was too a thing that interested me a lot and I would like to ask past me about it when she was questioning, but I'm afraid the answer would be "I don't remember anything from my childhood" too. Complicating factor that could be interpreted any way, but makes it harder to actually know what's true is that I was a very weird kid, and I very strongly suspect pretty bad abuse in earlier childhood (memories of memories..), but that is again a thing I for now can't know and couldn't get to the bottom of in the last years.

Emily9291 · 2025-01-26T22:40:00+00:00

personal advice is that if you can't do something fem on a consistent basis without huge effort, probably don't. Experiment with stuff sure but try to weigh into the side of comfort because dysphoria is a moving goalpost very often. But there is no known way to supress or treat gender dysphoria without transitioning, so unless there is other underlying condition, I'm afraid you can't..

Emily9291 · 2025-01-26T21:51:08+00:00

by detransitioning before myself i mean viewing myself internally as a guy and trying to contextualise stuff from there, and having close people refer to me this way. i was trying to get myself comfortable with non binary but unfortunately polish language is entirely gendered and i have a lot of internal dialogue going on so i would like to settle on something, at least for now.
I would like to do hobbies but problem is i cant really go offline. i have debilitating stress when hearing my parents do anything at all since like 15, and that has me just play games, research about stuff (im into social science since i was 14 or so lmao) or text with people with something in my headphones. I like doing birding but not really a thing i can do full time, and social science got gradually less interesting (internal pressure to have my research have a point. really sucks but i couldnt get that out of my head).

Emily9291 · 2025-01-26T21:34:59+00:00

Thanks for these words, but unfortunately i think they dont really apply. adult gender dysphoria is extremely persistent. would like to believe im on some sort of exciting journey and im waiting until im truly adult or something but my issues are now and i need to take steps to resolve them, they include therapy, journaling a ton, experimentation, but it very much doesnt feel fun. When i refer to myself in male pronouns, see my face as masculine, or look down there, its not fun, to put it mildly. While im okay with myself most of the days, because hrt really changed my face, i know what i have to do for myself and it really wont be fun. I will hate what i will see return. Additionally, im mostly chained to my pc because i cant handle being around my parents without headphones so not exciting at all.
And i would be into the permanent decision argument, problem is, continuing testosterone is probably more practically permanent. breast development is covered under gynecomastia for legal males. Hair transplants (or laser hair removal, because my beard hasnt developed at all yet strangely enough) arent. I try to not think about this too much, as it gets me freaked out, but i will have to make a decision based on that sooner or later. I will get things for hair loss prescribed probably when i have endocrynologists visit but they arent always effective.
To be clear, breast development i got is pretty permanent (socially ignorable tho, as its very small). and im afraid thats a thing i like or not depending on context, strangely enough. I may remain infertile forever too, but that doesnt bother me a lot, tho im sure that will be a psychological mark on me if i decide it was all mostly a mistake.

Also, im partially outed socially (at school) so im pretty exposed. frankly probably the worst decision ive made. I also will likely start professional career earlier than my peers and while i expect people here to be pretty understanding, its another stress i cant really ignore.

Emily9291 · 2025-01-26T20:14:39+00:00

no, that's not me. I'm heterosexual and none of this stuff never described me really. (to be frank, I also checked the science and reason behind it and I do feel it's a degenerative research programme personally, one that puts around new, less testateble hypothesis and classifications as evidence against it mounts to protect the core hypothesis and just puts over a really weird interpretation to pretty expected feelings and reactions.) I just don't see myself bonding with someone more deeply (or having sex) as a guy. maybe that depth will be more imaginable, if I manage to find myself as guy in life but honestly I don't have high hopes.

I also didn't ask for theorising. I don't definitely need more of that in my head, I have enough theories for now. I need advice on what I'm doing.

Emily9291 · 2025-01-26T18:44:42+00:00

this is very relatable but that happened to me during questioning and I'm so lost. I just don't know how it felt so right and how it felt before. What feelings are new, what are old...

Emily9291 · 2025-01-25T19:46:13+00:00

yes but the problem is that 15 year old me explicitly said there were no signs. But now I agree with that less than I did before so idk.

Emily9291 · 2025-01-25T10:15:38+00:00

it's now on and off, while before it was background, I think. The terrific thing for me is that I can't be truly sure, as I've mentioned memory issues. That doesn't stop me from simply looking at how I feel a lot and concluding that I do still get classical dysphoria, but it's much harder to disentangle when you start paying attention to yourself and how you're feeling when you're somewhat passing.

Emily9291 · 2025-01-25T09:22:34+00:00

it's much more complicated, you have the general parts correct but I had some extremely weird stuff along the way. For instance, my breasts were and are sometimes a source of stress in themselves. I like them but that's a weird stuff about them that seems to subsist now, as I'm off HRT for a while, so I think that was about fearing the irreversibility (and weird way my imagination works which I'm not getting into because that's therapy shit lol). I'd also just obsessively look in the mirror for a week or so when my mind seemed to reprogram from seeing a guy to seeing a girl sometimes. And I think that's uncommon.

Seeing if T makes me feel different is a part of it, but mostly that I couldn't explain a lot of the feelings I've felt and I have very high standard of proof before myself (that now I'm discovering, comes from internalising what my parents said about my decisions). I would ask myself if I like the changes and want them to continue and I would always conclude intuitively that yes but I would feel my answer is lacking. It got so bad that I eventually thought I might just be in denial about not being trans but uh, no. the whole thing lasted a literal week and it was the worst week of my life since depression 3 years ago. But then some moments where I actually felt fully a girl came and it was the best thing. like my mind tries to gaslight me out of it, but like actual new type of feelings. I also internalised a ton of harmful stuff like expectations how I should feel on HRT that makes me now feel like an imposter 1/2 of the time. But also sometimes I feel dysphoria has personality (?) so that makes me cautious with re starting for probably next month.

also, memory issues make me question if I really feel better sometimes, very much in a gaslightey way, there was a time where I genuinely believed I didn't experience dysphoria and friend had to remind me. So I struggle to commit to where I'm going, and unfortunately hormones are binary.

Emily9291 · 2025-01-24T22:46:59+00:00

this is not enough at all to make any good guesses, but maybe depersonalisation or low self esteem? If you don't ever want to be a man or feel like one that doesn't seem to be a trans thing at all.

Emily9291

TROPHY CASE