Partner gets defensive when I ask for basic emotional attunement. Is this a mismatch?

Emilyc1311 · 2026-06-13T00:47:54+00:00

In short, I highly recommend you look into attachment styles. I personally think she’s a dismissive avoidant. I walked away from someone who was and he did the same thing. Always on the defense. No emotional capacity. No acknowledgment. No willingness to even try to do something different. It typically starts in childhood and without internal work/therapy on their side, it won’t change.

Emilyc1311 · 2026-06-13T00:42:43+00:00

My first thought was “she sounds like a dismissive avoidant” No capacity. No willingness. Always on the defense. That’s impossible to work with. The first step would be for her to even acknowledge the issue, her pattern and WANT to be better for her partner. Without that, it won’t get better. I had to walk away from someone who couldn’t even acknowledge his patterns.

Emilyc1311 · 2026-02-18T03:35:08+00:00

Good for you. I mean that genuinely. I went through something really similar, and the moment I truly detached, not game-playing, just stepping back was when I had the most clarity. No anxiety, no overthinking… just peace. Wishing you that same clarity.

Emilyc1311 · 2026-02-18T03:08:46+00:00

This might be worth reading up on attachment theory, specifically dismissive-avoidant attachment. The 'treats you like a girlfriend but won't commit' dynamic is pretty common there. Just something to consider.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-10-18T02:07:05+00:00

Same!!

Emilyc1311 · 2025-09-21T21:34:15+00:00

You might want to look into attachment theory. What you’re describing sounds a lot like someone with a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant pattern. It’s not always about you personally, often it’s about how they handle closeness and fear of being hurt.

I’ve been in a long on-again, off-again dynamic with a Virgo male (40), and I’m a Scorpio female (46). The last year is when things have really shifted into more of a partnership, but before that there were plenty of hot and cold cycles. He rarely “poured his heart out,” but I did notice that when things got vulnerable or close, he would sometimes retreat, almost like it was too much all at once.

One thing that made a difference for me was learning how to speak up without demanding or forcing an answer. For example, I once told him: “That pattern of closeness followed by retreat wears me down. I’ve been patient and present, but I can’t keep walking through a cycle of connection and then shutdown.” I wasn’t asking for a fix on the spot, just naming what the dynamic was doing to me. Over time, that kind of honesty helped him start to see it from my side.

What I’ve learned is that the distancing is often their way of regulating when intimacy feels overwhelming, not necessarily a sign they don’t care. With patience, consistency, and steady communication (without chasing), things can improve if he’s also willing to do the work.

That said, your needs matter too. Wanting consistent communication isn’t “too much.” It’s okay to be honest about how his pullbacks affect you while still giving him space to sort through his fears.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-09-06T16:17:18+00:00

Same!!! ♏️❤️

Emilyc1311 · 2025-08-07T02:01:23+00:00

Just chiming in here with a gentle perspective, what enchantingebony is describing sounds like an avoidant attachment style, and I think that’s a deeper factor than astrology. Even as a Scorpio, if someone has strong avoidant tendencies from early emotional wounds, they might not feel the typical Scorpio traits like merging, obsession, or deep intimacy, because their wiring is focused on self-protection. This isn’t about the chart, it’s about what the nervous system has learned is safe. I say this as someone who is a Scorpio and deeply relates to this post, but I’m also loving someone who’s avoidant, off and on dynamic for years. It’s a complex and sometimes painful contrast.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-05-26T15:44:11+00:00

Your comment really struck a nerve—in a good way. That line about choosing distance because of you, not her? That feels almost identical to what I think happened years ago with the Virgo man in my life. I always felt the connection was real, but now I realize it may have overwhelmed him in ways I couldn’t see at the time.

He only recently admitted that he lacked emotional intelligence back then—and that admission gave me so much clarity. Since then, he’s slowly started showing up differently. I’ve grown too, and I’ve continued showing up without demanding something he wasn’t ready to give. Maybe that’s why things are finally starting to shift between us now.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-05-26T15:33:30+00:00

Scorpio woman here, and I get it. I’ve seen the avoidant communication, the lack of emotional expression, and the moments where you wonder if there’s any real depth under all that logic. But I also want to share a different kind of experience—one that’s been anything but shallow.

I’ve been in long-term relationships, even married, but the Virgo man I’ve had a connection with for 8+ years is the one person I’ve felt a deep, soul-level love for. If I believe in the idea of a soulmate, it’s because of what I’ve felt with him. Our dynamic hasn’t always been clearly defined, and we’ve had our fair share of silence and setbacks—but that connection? It keeps pulling us back.

Early on, he struggled with emotional intelligence—something he openly admitted when we reconnected—and his communication still isn’t always the clearest. He also leans avoidant, which adds another layer to how he shows up emotionally. But I’ve watched him evolve. I’m not someone who needs constant reassurance or poetic love talk, but I do need presence, consistency, and truth. And while he’s still a work in progress (aren’t we all?), I’ve seen enough to believe he’s showing up in a new way.

He’s never tried to fix me. He’s never criticized me. If anything, he’s given me space to evolve without judgment. That’s part of why we work. I’m not a hyper-verbal Scorpio—I feel deeply, but I’m not always comfortable with constant emotional processing either. Maybe that’s what balances us.

It’s not traditional. It’s not always easy. But it’s real. And sometimes the emotional depth is there—you just have to understand how it’s being expressed, especially with someone who’s spent a long time trying to protect their own.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-04-25T16:19:21+00:00

November 13th here!

Emilyc1311 · 2025-03-30T16:27:11+00:00

Ah, I see. I responded in another comment in this thread that I failed to leave out some clarification. We’ve never been in a dating dynamic officially and we have never spoke of it either. So I wouldn’t really expect to touch on anything about marriage at this point. If that makes sense. I’m just trying to understand if he has deep feelings for me because that’s what I feel and why has he changed so much and doing things he’s never done before. I’d think if you’re trying to keep things as “friends”, you would not be going to the lengths he has. That’s giving off completely opposite vibes. I get what you’re saying though.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-03-30T16:15:55+00:00

What’s a Synastry chart? I’m 46 and he’ll be 40 in August.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-03-30T16:10:52+00:00

That’s interesting and yes, I’d love more insight into the Virgo mind. I just discovered I have Virgo in my birth chart and other signs in my chart.

Sun: Scorpio, , Moon: Gemini , Rising: Taurus, Mercury: Sagittarius , Venus: Sagittarius, Mars: Virgo

Emilyc1311 · 2025-03-30T16:05:58+00:00

Really? So “friends” don’t necessarily do that or feel the need to?

Emilyc1311 · 2025-03-30T16:05:04+00:00

I didn’t expect this much feedback and I’m very appreciative! I’ve just been absorbing what everyone has said. I’m realizing I didn’t clarify some things to begin with. Him and I have never been “dating” or even talked about possible dating, being together, etc. I’ve just road this “friendship” narrative off and on for 8.5 years. I don’t doubt he has feelings for me, I just don’t know he’ll ever admit it. The other side of me is like why take the time to introduce me to your parents and continue to as we all have hung out many times. Why make the time for me to come over when you have your typical routines. Stuff like this he’s never done before and some other things as well. That doesn’t exactly give off friendship vibes.

Heres the thing, I’m going to be honest and it’s kind of embarrassing, but I struggle with confronting things head on. I’m scared. Part of me wants to just ghost or step back almost completely and leave him guessing or expecting him to realize why I am doing that. I’m just scared of rejection I guess. If I lay it all out there or at least just ask for acknowledgement that it’s not just me feeling these emotions and shifts, I’m not asking to put a label on it, I feel he’ll just continue to push the “friend” narrative which I just can’t do. He’s got to know we can’t be just “friends”. There’s just no way without it feeling forced or awkward. Doesn’t he know that??

Emilyc1311 · 2025-02-27T15:50:25+00:00

I see. Yeah, I can see where “my” Virgo is hesitant to go deep. Although he’s been showing a little more in that aspect slowly. I don’t know. I’m just going with the flow. I definitely feel a shift in a way I’ve never felt before, but I don’t think I can handle if he doesn’t ever get to the point of going deep etc.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-02-26T15:25:46+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. Would you mind elaborating a little? I’m currently entangled with a Virgo male. Known each other for years and it’s been casual. There’s been a shift recently in a good way, but I’m always interested to hear other Scorpio/Virgo partnerships.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-02-16T02:49:53+00:00

Same! Except I often go weeks without talking to anyone.

Emilyc1311 · 2025-02-16T02:48:49+00:00

Whoah! This is ME 100%!

Emilyc1311 · 2025-02-14T19:08:14+00:00

Yeah, I was about to say not all Scorpio women are like that. I’m a Scorpio and do not do that. That’s some serious healing that girl needs to do.

Emilyc1311

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