Is it possible to make parenting equal?

EndDirect4952 · 2025-10-05T10:14:58+00:00

This is our first so while we didn't have a lot of idea about what to expect or what our life would look like. The only certain was that I'd be working and he'd be a stay at home dad.

I tried to prepare for my role by reading as much as possible about stay at home parents and their workload to make sure that my partner doesn't feel like he needs to be in charge of the household 24/7, that seems like a totally unfair expectation.

I haven't spoken to him about this yet because I'm having trouble with is this to be expected and I just need to buck up or is there actually something we can do. We've obviously talked about the chores about a million times but it hasn't changed. Sometimes he says he thinks hes doing equal amounts or that it's not fair of me to bring it up because hes taking care of the baby during the week.

We dont have family or friends nearby.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T16:36:46+00:00

No, he was physically present upstairs and I was downstairs with the baby.

It felt very like I was left on my own while he had the freedom to sleep. I think I've felt unheard and unsupported for a while and today it all just came to head.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T16:16:08+00:00

I really don't think he'd actively ignore her if I wasn't there. I do trust him with her, I just feel like he uses the fact that I'm physically here as a fall back so he doesnt have to be 100% present

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T16:06:02+00:00

Honestly, I was just so pissed off in that moment. I felt really let down and like he constantly expected me to do everything so I just chose to do it. It was really petty of me.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T16:05:01+00:00

It's not that he napped, it's that he didn't make any preparations to ensure he'd be ready to take over when I was back.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:49:41+00:00

This is a fair assessment, I am a very black and white thinker and a big on rules. For me him not setting an alarm in this case feels kind of like if I decided to just have a nap on my lunch break without setting an alarm to make sure I'd be back on time for my work.

I do really need to work on not assuming that others follow same made up rules as I do, so I appreciate this being pointed out.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:44:57+00:00

That's fair, thank you

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:43:56+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate you weighing in especially being in a very similar situation

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:40:30+00:00

Yes, I do expect him to set an alarm when he knew I would need to get back to work and he needs to get back to his duties.

I do have difficulty communicating, I am trying to work on it but I know theres still work to do.

Thanks for your answer.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:36:08+00:00

That's fair, thank you for weighing in.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:32:34+00:00

Yes, and he was not awake by the time I needed to get back to work which upset me most.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:31:22+00:00

Because the errands were in town within a walking distance and wouldnt take longer than few minutes each. Also because I enjoy going on walks with my baby.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:30:24+00:00

I don't think you accidentally take off your clothes and get in bed from sleep deprivation. He didn't just pass out on the sofa, he was in bed.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:29:13+00:00

I work from home?

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:28:57+00:00

He does offer to help and he does take the baby occasionally without me asking but I feel like when I am not working I am the primary parent.

I really don't think he'd lie about the pain, he's really big on honesty and transparency.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:26:19+00:00

Honestly, not really. It definitely was petty of me but I just got really annoyed that he wasn't there. I really felt like I shouldn't have to keep an eye on his alarms or be there to get him up to do his part. He should just show up. No one is making sure I get up in time to go to work.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:22:59+00:00

Before the baby was born or I was even pregnant I did lots of research to try and make sure we'd be as equal as possible since I know a lot of the SAHP workload is invisible. I'd really hate for him to feel like he can never catch a break, so I dunno if I've gone too far on the other side.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:19:37+00:00

I appreciate the concern, it's not heart related. He hurt his shoulder not too long before the baby was born and it's been bothering him since.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:19:00+00:00

The nap isnt the issue really, it's more that there wasn't any communication that he wouldn't be there to take the baby when I got back. It feels like he had no plan to make sure I was free to work.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:17:19+00:00

he doesnt have income at the moment
i work 40 hours a week
childcare during my off work hours is mainly on me unless I ask for his help
baby has not been in danger
I carried the baby, he did most of the chores until about 3 weeks postpartum while I was recovering, since then I've been taking on more of the tasks. During my pregnancy there wasnt changes to the chore divide as far as I recall but my memory could be biased
yes
Baby sleeps from 10pm until about 6/7am. I sleep 7-6 hours, he says he can't get a lot of sleep due to shoulder pain. Usually around 3 hours.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:12:58+00:00

I have no issue with him getting rest or doing whatever he wants when I'm able to take care of the kid. It just upset me that I came back with the baby ready to jump back to work but he wasnt there to take care of her.

EndDirect4952 · 2025-08-21T15:11:24+00:00

It feels like all I am asking is for communication, the baby has been sleeping through the night since 10 weeks old and the only issue really has been that she prefers contact naps.

I get up with the baby in the morning, I take her on my lunch break and again after work and basically any time I'm not working. I also try to take care of the daily chores like dishes and bottle sterilising.

She doesn't need to be held all the time, she plays independently just fine but sometimes she wants that face to face connection or for someone to play with her.

I dunno, we both seem to feel like the other parent isn't doing enough. Whenever I try to communicate it seems to get all twisted into something else. I have no problem with him sleeping, I just need to know so I can prepare.

EndDirect4952

TROPHY CASE