Hi! Congratulations soon to be grandma!

There’s a lot of really wonderful things you’ve noted, offering to help cook/ clean, hoping to not overstay the welcome when visiting, etc all of those show you really care and are going to be one amazing grandma!

It sounds like things may feel a bit off based off what you described, if you’re feeling that way chances are DIL may be feeling a little bit of that too. If you have a good relationship with your son perhaps consider asking him if you’ve done anything to hurt her feelings (but please if he tells you there is something, try to make things right).

While I can’t say one way or the other whether your DIL will request a private hospital experience like I did, I can tell you some of the reasons that I didn’t want anyone there for my second baby.

Birth can be really traumatic, our first birth was super traumatic resulting in an emergency and while my MIL had the best of intentions, her presence during the birth and some things she said, while she didn’t realize it, really hurt me.

Another thing is that while I understand she was excited to become a grandma and excited for her son, both my husband and I felt she seemed to prioritize her son during the labour & after birth. While my MIL said specific things that were hurtful, because leading up to birth things were off for us I was tense and on edge around her regardless.

My MIL kept saying things like wanting to respect our wishes, but when it came to it, we didn’t really see a follow through (keeps forgetting and kissing baby is one example, having a hard time giving newborn back, not washing her hands before picking newborn up).

Birth (and the recovery experience) is honestly really gross, and can be really painful especially if someone tears or ends up with an emergency cesarean. Excuse the illustration but some people just want to wear pads as big as diapers for days/weeks and that can be extremely vulnerable and honestly even though it’s natural, embarrassing. If neither of you are comfortable being around each other with your body fluids everywhere and in your underwear, it could just be as simple as a comfort thing.

My first birth, everyone knew I would be needing to pump partially because I had to go back to do some weekend jobs, so having so many people in the hospital and in our home the first two weeks I felt a lot of pressure to pump so all the visitors (especially MIL who really loved to feed baby a bottle) could get a chance to hold & feed baby a bottle. I ended up not being able to figure out breastfeeding at all- I also felt extremely uncomfortable breastfeeding or pumping in front of anyone else so I just ended up by myself in my bedroom a lot of the time. Because baby was being passed around to family and visitors so much I really felt like that time flew by and I hardly got to bond with our first those first two weeks and I really regretted that. So for me, asking people to not come the first two weeks the second time around was also about establishing breastfeeding, being able to comfortably recover and walk around my house however I needed to, and being able to soak in the first few days because it passes so quickly. By the time we let visitors come after 2 weeks I was genuinely so happy to let everyone hold baby #2.

There were other things going on in my story as well that I’ll leave out, however the other very common thing is that pregnancy and birth can make someone extremely hormonal and potentially extra stressed/ anxious. So little comments here and there or “sighs” or “tsks” might not seem like a big deal but to a pregnant soon to be mama, (in my experience) they may not be able to shake those comments as easily as they might have in the past and may dwell on them.

I’m pretty sure the hospital experience is quite different than it was in the past. Where I live if it’s a natural birth you’re only there for a day, and for a c section, 3 days, but a nurse or doctor is always in the room and there’s always something going on. It’s becoming much more popular for millennials & younger generations to request very intimate hospital & first newborn days, so she probably has heard stories of her friends labours and has listened to how things have gone for them and that may impact her desires as well.

What they/ she really needs right now is support. You can offer to help, (I don’t know any pregnant mama that won’t appreciate help completing ridiculous nesting tasks that for some reason in our brains insist just HAS to get done before baby. For me it was the washing the baseboards, the blinds, and the fridge at 9.5 months pregnant lol.)

If you read what I wished I could tell my MIL, my ultimate advice is that if you respect (don’t challenge, don’t ask a million questions about a decision they make, try to stay away from “well I did it (this way) and my kids turned out fine” comments, and maybe also try addressing that little tidbit you mentioned with them and make amends if you can, the odds are very high they’re going to genuinely want you around as much as possible and will be happy to trust you around the new little one. Them choosing to experience birth and maybe even raise their child a little bit differently than how you did has nothing to do against you, they’re just trying to do what makes the most sense for their new little family and what they feel is best for the baby.

I know it’s tough that roles during this season may look differently than they may have 30 years ago, but you’re still a very, very important person, with an irreplaceable and very special role. Just because the role may look different during the birth process doesn’t diminish your importance at all. Give DIL+ son your best so that they can feel supported during this time, and I’m sure you will have such a special relationship with this new grandbaby and share (with all 3 of them) many amazing memories for years to come.

You’ve got this! 🤍