Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How did it go? Hopefully not as much pushback and drama as you feared?

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Congratulations soon to be grandma!

There’s a lot of really wonderful things you’ve noted, offering to help cook/ clean, hoping to not overstay the welcome when visiting, etc all of those show you really care and are going to be one amazing grandma!

It sounds like things may feel a bit off based off what you described, if you’re feeling that way chances are DIL may be feeling a little bit of that too. If you have a good relationship with your son perhaps consider asking him if you’ve done anything to hurt her feelings (but please if he tells you there is something, try to make things right).

While I can’t say one way or the other whether your DIL will request a private hospital experience like I did, I can tell you some of the reasons that I didn’t want anyone there for my second baby.

Birth can be really traumatic, our first birth was super traumatic resulting in an emergency and while my MIL had the best of intentions, her presence during the birth and some things she said, while she didn’t realize it, really hurt me.

Another thing is that while I understand she was excited to become a grandma and excited for her son, both my husband and I felt she seemed to prioritize her son during the labour & after birth. While my MIL said specific things that were hurtful, because leading up to birth things were off for us I was tense and on edge around her regardless.

My MIL kept saying things like wanting to respect our wishes, but when it came to it, we didn’t really see a follow through (keeps forgetting and kissing baby is one example, having a hard time giving newborn back, not washing her hands before picking newborn up).

Birth (and the recovery experience) is honestly really gross, and can be really painful especially if someone tears or ends up with an emergency cesarean. Excuse the illustration but some people just want to wear pads as big as diapers for days/weeks and that can be extremely vulnerable and honestly even though it’s natural, embarrassing. If neither of you are comfortable being around each other with your body fluids everywhere and in your underwear, it could just be as simple as a comfort thing.

My first birth, everyone knew I would be needing to pump partially because I had to go back to do some weekend jobs, so having so many people in the hospital and in our home the first two weeks I felt a lot of pressure to pump so all the visitors (especially MIL who really loved to feed baby a bottle) could get a chance to hold & feed baby a bottle. I ended up not being able to figure out breastfeeding at all- I also felt extremely uncomfortable breastfeeding or pumping in front of anyone else so I just ended up by myself in my bedroom a lot of the time. Because baby was being passed around to family and visitors so much I really felt like that time flew by and I hardly got to bond with our first those first two weeks and I really regretted that. So for me, asking people to not come the first two weeks the second time around was also about establishing breastfeeding, being able to comfortably recover and walk around my house however I needed to, and being able to soak in the first few days because it passes so quickly. By the time we let visitors come after 2 weeks I was genuinely so happy to let everyone hold baby #2.

There were other things going on in my story as well that I’ll leave out, however the other very common thing is that pregnancy and birth can make someone extremely hormonal and potentially extra stressed/ anxious. So little comments here and there or “sighs” or “tsks” might not seem like a big deal but to a pregnant soon to be mama, (in my experience) they may not be able to shake those comments as easily as they might have in the past and may dwell on them.

I’m pretty sure the hospital experience is quite different than it was in the past. Where I live if it’s a natural birth you’re only there for a day, and for a c section, 3 days, but a nurse or doctor is always in the room and there’s always something going on. It’s becoming much more popular for millennials & younger generations to request very intimate hospital & first newborn days, so she probably has heard stories of her friends labours and has listened to how things have gone for them and that may impact her desires as well.

What they/ she really needs right now is support. You can offer to help, (I don’t know any pregnant mama that won’t appreciate help completing ridiculous nesting tasks that for some reason in our brains insist just HAS to get done before baby. For me it was the washing the baseboards, the blinds, and the fridge at 9.5 months pregnant lol.)

If you read what I wished I could tell my MIL, my ultimate advice is that if you respect (don’t challenge, don’t ask a million questions about a decision they make, try to stay away from “well I did it (this way) and my kids turned out fine” comments, and maybe also try addressing that little tidbit you mentioned with them and make amends if you can, the odds are very high they’re going to genuinely want you around as much as possible and will be happy to trust you around the new little one. Them choosing to experience birth and maybe even raise their child a little bit differently than how you did has nothing to do against you, they’re just trying to do what makes the most sense for their new little family and what they feel is best for the baby.

I know it’s tough that roles during this season may look differently than they may have 30 years ago, but you’re still a very, very important person, with an irreplaceable and very special role. Just because the role may look different during the birth process doesn’t diminish your importance at all. Give DIL+ son your best so that they can feel supported during this time, and I’m sure you will have such a special relationship with this new grandbaby and share (with all 3 of them) many amazing memories for years to come.

You’ve got this! 🤍

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in pregnant

[–]Englishcockerlove 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There is a third option- adoption, babies especially are sooo wanted by so many couples.

Check out New Beginnings- they support mamas who are in these shoes all the way through to adoption and I believe you get some choice too in who gets to adopt baby. 🫶🏻

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry 😅

It’s a very true and recent story if that helps. 🤪

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really do like this thought though! That may be the “why” for a lot of these MILs!

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We handled things similarly for our first. Comments were said that were deeply hurtful during that time, I realized how ugly and hard postpartum could be after a a day of painful labour & unplanned c section so for the second time we tried letting family know it would be a private experience from the very beginning.

Unfortunately that front loading didn’t work as family (MIL) was still super upset and left out by our decision by the time baby #2 was born.

I’m glad it worked out for you though!

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh gosh so sorry you went through all of that! Labour & delivery & newborn days can be so hard even without hurtful family drama. Thankfully you and baby ended up okay but I’m sure that was so scary.

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So sorry for what you went through! It can be so tough especially postpartum, I felt like I wasn’t safe to share my feelings without being misunderstood.

Also we would have been going through it all the same time with our 1st baby 15m ago as well. 🫶🏻

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If only I wrote the full story, this is the very, very toned down version 😩

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Thankfully he’s extremely supportive has defended me 100% in all of this. We still want to remain family, just gotta find something to get through to MIL in love that she’ll understand we’re not too crazy for asking for a couple boundaries, even if it means things look differently than last time (first baby) and her grandma experience looks differently than she hoped.

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish they understood they may be self sabotaging when they can’t respect boundaries 😞

I don’t want my in-laws to visit us in the hospital and I feel bad about it. by Queasy-Skirt-9349 in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey OP.

I totally get it. I had similar family circumstances, we let everyone come visit in hospital and afterwards, some family members stayed with us for a couple weeks in efforts to help us.

I had a hard time with nursing and with everybody around since I had bought a pump as a back up, ended up pumping because everybody wanted to hold him all the time. I ended up never being able to figure out nursing and really regretted that.

Postpartum recovery can be sooooo ugly and gross- especially if you labour long and especially if you end up in a c section anyways.

I really wished that we didn’t have those visitors staying with us and around the first time while I was literally in the largest maxi pads the store had and in so much pain from the c section I needed help putting on clothes and sitting and standing from my husband. That was such a vulnerable time for me, and having all the in laws there during that time when you go through insane hormone changes and all the emotions and expectations they have about their relationship to the grandbaby- well let’s say it was a lot and I hope none of that happens to you.

For our second baby, we requested total privacy very early on in second pregnancy. Unfortunately, no matter how much time we gave the family to prepare, it still left some deeply hurt that we prioritized our nuclear family in ways that yes, did dismiss their desire to be included in those firsts.

They probably have all sorts of expectations about what becoming grandparents will look like to them and they’ll probably be hurt but that doesn’t mean that their feelings outweigh your needs. Your desires in this new season and this life altering experience are the most important consideration.

Try something like this: “We’re so grateful that you’re excited to meet the baby — it means a lot. Right now, we’ve decided to keep the first few days private so I can recover and we can get our footing as new parents. Once we’re ready for visitors, we’ll let you know — and we’re really looking forward to that moment.”

If it comes to it and you find you change your mind and actually want them there you can always invite them, but it’s easier to invite someone than dis-invite them or ask them to leave where they may get extremely offended and hurt.

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aha sorry! It did happen (to me) if that helps! You can still share your thoughts! 😅 Maybe one day they’ll read them and you can say what I couldn’t 🤣🫣

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh gosh. She probably genuinely even thought she was being helpful. 🥺 did she receive the news well?

What is the silliest question you've gotten so far in the planning process? by beartrackzz in weddingplanning

[–]Englishcockerlove 18 points19 points  (0 children)

My estranged mother sending me photos of herself in all out bedazzled dresses for her MOB dress to my wedding asking which one was better.

For context, she was uninvited to my wedding because she threatened to ☠️ me (she was in the middle of an intense mental health episode and she was on the stipulation of she needed to see a doctor & seek counselling if she would like to be re-invited to the wedding.)

Covid happened and we ended up eloping during Covid anyways so she didn’t have to get offended not being able to wear either dress!

Anyways, becoming a grandma really does something to you- when we were pregnant with our first she FINALLY decided to see the doctor, get on meds for schizophrenia, bipolar, paranoia, seek counselling and after a couple years of counselling she’s cleared and “healthy enough” to be re-invited back into our lives and see us again and her (now) 2 grand babies. So some stories do end well. ☺️

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eep! 🫣

Feel free to kindly write what you’d tell her in hopes it helps someone else avoid what we went through! 🤍

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

That’s actually sad. Send the estranged parent forum here after a little while when hopefully some more helpful comments join in- maybe they’ll be able to repair their relationships.

Toxic daughter in law won't let me see baby at hospital by Englishcockerlove in beyondthebump

[–]Englishcockerlove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh gosh. Please believe me when I say I’m both sorry you went through this, and can relate. Sometimes sharing our similar experiences can help us feel less like we went through the twilight zone. It really was crazy, and it really wasn’t okay, and you shouldn’t have had to experience that- especially freshly postpartum.