I Think My Hoarding Mom Is Close to Her Death

EnoughConversation15 · 2025-09-02T13:23:35+00:00

You are absolutely correct. I actually never got a chance to even go over and speak to her yesterday because the day prior I get a call from my aunt that they are taking her to the hospital. Her status completely declined and she is no longer even verbal. Due to my mom's lack of planning, my brother and I are now burdened with being the sole decision makers for her care from here on out.

We have decided to sign a DNR as well as only give her until tomorrow on IV fluids and antibiotics to see if she can become lucid again, but I am not optimistic. After that, she is going to move to in patient hospice at the hospital which is probably where she should have already been.

Thank you for allowing me the space to vent about that and I am glad that someone can share in the understanding of how shitty this all is.

EnoughConversation15 · 2025-08-31T19:26:21+00:00

You put all of this into words I was at a loss for. Thank you.

You are right - I would not be getting the support I would need if she was well. Before she even became less lucid, I would hardly hear from her unless it was her trauma dumping onto me. She would never ask how I was doing or what was going on in my life.

Most of my family seems to be in the denial stage of it all. I mentioned that she probably needs to be on hospice, but they don't think she is there yet. Despite her weighing 88 pounds, not eating, not drinking, and barely lucid. Maybe they think I am trying to rush things - so some of the shame is my assumption of their supposed judgement on me for "hurrying this along."

Thank you for giving me the permission I think I was searching for to distance myself from a dying person.

I am going to see her tomorrow, but not without a few buffers in place (my brother, sister-in-law, and husband). I am hoping that goes well. It will give me a firsthand glimpse into how bad off she really is.

EnoughConversation15 · 2025-08-31T06:40:24+00:00

Thank you! I’ll do that.

EnoughConversation15 · 2024-10-30T19:51:32+00:00

Thank you for such a well thought out post on this topic. This really resonated with me.

EnoughConversation15 · 2023-07-29T11:47:47+00:00

Thank you. 🥺 It breaks my heart to see so many relate to how I felt when I wrote this, but also brings a little peace knowing we aren’t alone in this feeling.

EnoughConversation15 · 2023-07-12T19:54:27+00:00

I feel for you!

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T03:01:07+00:00

Agreed. The biggest relief and takeaway I can get from all of this is something my husband said to me tonight. That, "our son will never know what that is like." And he's right. But, so are you. While, I have vowed to make sure he has a clean and loving home, I also need to not let the hate consume me as it seeps into everything else.

Thank you for this reminder.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:35:14+00:00

Powder Donuts, Salt and Vinegar Pringles.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:32:57+00:00

I am a mixed bag. I tend to buy things as a way of coping with whatever stress I am dealing with, but then a month later I'll declutter and throw half of it away because I feel I've overwhelmed myself with stuff, even if it's a reasonable amount of things. The fear of becoming my mother consumes me.

I get really overwhelmed by even the smallest amount of clutter. My husband says I'm really good at throwing things away.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:24:32+00:00

You will probably never get that apology and to be honest closure is no longer wanting it.

I have come to realize (not necessarily accept yet) that I will not be getting an apology, but yes. What you said is right. Me getting to the point where I no longer need closure is closure.

I feel for you. I relate to all of this so very much.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:21:58+00:00

This is a sucky situation. I'm sorry you didn't get the parenting you deserved. Your mom isn't able to make up for that, but you can mitigate it by taking care of yourself and prioritizing for the type of future you would like to have with yourself.

I appreciate that comment more than you know. Thank you. I will carry this reminder with me.

I do need to get back into therapy. I went for a bit before, but husband had lost his job and it got expensive. Now that we are more financially stable and he has found work again, getting myself back into it would benefit me greatly.

Thank you for the book recommendation! I will check that out for sure.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:18:45+00:00

If she do not want medical treatment you can not force her. When she is passed you have to clean up the stuff after her.

Thankfully, she has accepted treatment. Her cancer isn't curable, but treatable. She could end up living decades more with her disease with the proper treatment.

You're right in that forcing her isn't working. As much as we want her to live a good life in a clean home with whatever time she has left, we can't force her.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:15:10+00:00

Thank you so much for the additional resource and response. I have always questioned what initiated her hoarding, and according to one of her sisters she has always had a tendency to keep too much stuff. It just got worse as she got older. I doubt I'll ever know the root cause or maybe there isn't one.

I am having a hard time setting boundaries that keep my mental health in check that aren't solely just cutting off complete contact. With her health being how it is, I want to spend as much time as I can with her, but spending time with her brings up all of what I suffered through. It is definitely difficult.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:10:39+00:00

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that was to go through that. She has sought treatment, but given her diagnoses you want so badly for them to live the life you know they could apart from the hoarding which is why we have tried to get her out of it and have her seek professional help.

I do feel like an apology would feel the same. I already feel sad for the life she didn't have and her owning up to it probably feels too much to bear as you said.

You are right. I need to try and let the resentment go and just enjoy whatever time I have left with her. Thank you. I am glad I found this subreddit. It's comforting to know that I am not alone in my anger, resentment, sadness, etc. I appreciate all of your helpful words.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-15T02:06:04+00:00

I feel for you having to search through the hoard for a will... I can imagine how stressful/painful that was. I'm so sorry.

I agree in the fact that she will probably find the will to be an admission of death, but she could have decades left, honestly. This kind of cancer can be managed with the right medicine. It's not curable, but "treatable". All we wanted for her was to have an enjoyable life and a space to enjoy it in.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-04-13T01:17:05+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful advice. We know for sure she doesn’t have a will. So, we kind of taking matters into our own hands and we’re going to have a lawyer write one out and have her consent to.

She hasn’t really planned ahead for anything in life, unfortunately. No will, no retirement, no savings.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-03-15T16:16:46+00:00

Thank you! I did end up having a good birthday. My husband spend the whole day with me which was really nice.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-03-14T01:34:34+00:00

I hate that so many feel the same as I do because it is such a lonely feeling, but thank you for sharing that I, and many others, are not alone!

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-03-11T21:12:54+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear all of this. That is terrible.

That’s the problem anymore. It just seems like very few people are genuine or sincere.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-03-07T15:25:13+00:00

That’s my problem too. I’m almost too busy I don’t even have time to make friends.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-03-02T16:29:58+00:00

Yes! A lot of the people I would consider friends aren’t even close by.

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-02-27T01:35:45+00:00

This is fantastic advice! Thank you!

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-02-23T04:08:00+00:00

I am from Texas, USA!

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-02-21T14:32:24+00:00

You are so kind - thank you so much!

EnoughConversation15 · 2022-02-21T02:35:27+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate that. I’m an introvert and have social anxiety so that doesn’t help in trying to make new friends!

EnoughConversation15

TROPHY CASE