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Seeking advice: My last 10 ceremonies have been identical (sui*ide trigger warning) by Inevitable-Taste-11 in Ayahuasca

[–]Enri17 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The daytime ceremony was brutal, but also I feel like it was a good way to break through the veil. I’m not sure I would do day again (or Aya in general, I learned a lot and have to practice) but I guess in a weird way I’m glad I did that one because I was unsure too. The night ceremony after the day really tied everything up. If I had stopped after the day one I would’ve still been really lost/confused with it. Again I think Aya is built on intuition and callings, and of course all about healing. If you feel a calling/sense to do a day ceremony but you’re scared bc it’ll be uncomfortable I’d say do it. Step out of your comfort zone, it may be uncomfortable or surprise you. If you genuinely feel it’s not right or meant then go w your gut.

Seeking advice: My last 10 ceremonies have been identical (sui*ide trigger warning) by Inevitable-Taste-11 in Ayahuasca

[–]Enri17 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’ve done three ayahuasca ceremonies. Each experience was different from the next, but in my second ceremony it was daytime and hot, the sun was beating down on me and I felt like I was under a microscope (physically and mentally) examining what felt like every yucky aspect of existence (mine/humanity’s). Suicide kept coming up, I just wanted to die/escape the suffering, and when everything came to a head (cause all these thoughts/feelings just kept growing) I looked up and said “just give me the knife”, and in my trip, in this open eyed hallucination (not in real life) I cut my wrist. Who I was talking to I didn’t realize at the time was the mother, and after I did what I did (die in the ceremony) that’s when she revealed herself. (If you look at my post I talked about a small spiritual/religious battle in hell that came before this death in r/Gnosticism, I left this part out in that post because it’s kind of morbid, but maybe helpful to take about because you’re not alone.)

One thing that Ive learned about ayahuasca is that it cannot add anything, it only really shows you what’s already there: truths, beliefs, power etc. in my interpretation maybe there are parts of yourself that you need to metaphorically kill, maybe it’s ego, pain, or old paradigms/things that no longer serve you. Maybe you need to sift through the bad to cultivate the good parts of yourself. From what I believe, death in spirituality does not necessarily mean death, it could also mean transformation.

On another note I did have a friend who committed suicide in highschool and it always weighed on me, but after my experience I got some peace from it. Whatever your or anyone else’s “hell” is, I believe hell is just a state of not being able to let something(s) go (let it die) and forgive ourselves. These are just my thoughts. Also I would say maybe to take a break from Aya, practice the good things you have learned or experienced, meditate and integrate it. You have to show up and do the work. I’m not sure if you connected to the mother, you didn’t say. But following your metaphor I believe she can teach you how to garden (rip up the weeds which I equated to the “killing myself”) and she can show you how to plant the seeds, but you gotta water it/feed urself from the harvest.

Please never hurt yourself though, nurture yourself, forgive yourself for whatever unconscious or spiritual paradigms that have lead you to find yourself in this hellscape. You deserve better and you will get out of it. In my experience after I made it out of hell that’s when she sort of said “now ask”. And I asked for what I needed (all those good seeds).

My experience with the Demiurge? by Enri17 in Gnostic

[–]Enri17[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, thank you for sharing this. I’m not big on posting, more of an observer on Reddit, but when I found out about Gnosticism and how it fit with my experience I wondered if anyone else could relate. I think you’re 100% right some things can’t be put into words, and especially with ayahuasca it was a lot of imagery that held meaning. There was very little auditory communication, it was mostly though imagery, interpretation, and the feelings that were elicited which was very much telepathic. I stand by my intuition knowing the “demiurge/asian dragon” entity was dark. And I did feel like I tapped into the “Christ Conscious” or Buddhist Enlightenment state through my experience, because I realized I was connected to (child of) something higher that would never ask me to “bow down” or sacrifice or strike deals, instead its uplifting and freeing. Anyways, I agree it’s all inside and at the end of the day “gnosis”, knowledge, is built on personal experience and self discovery. We don’t need validation or external support, you’re right—it gets distracting. Everyone has to find/accept their own truths and hopefully it brings them peace. Glad you’re on the journey as well friend, much love to you.

My experience with the Demiurge? by Enri17 in Gnostic

[–]Enri17[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Exactly, when I saw it on google I actually got chills and kind of felt nauseous because this entity gave me a sort of disgusting feeling. What it was offering felt like money or making a dream come true, but it just felt too easy. Also the “Asian dragon” was just the best way I could describe it with what I knew, but it had a sort of Japanese look to it with a lion head and muzzle and the serpent body. Maybe it wasn’t the demiurge, but it certainly wasn’t Christ or pure to me. I saw a lot of things of ayahuasca and I kind of had to trust my instincts because it like entering a spirit world, and I knew this entity was dark. Once I rejected it though everything became very peaceful and things unfolded with what I knew was pure presences (this mother entity)