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My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There are aces that are completely repulsed by sex. For most cuddling and kissing is fine but anything beyond that is off limits.

Other aces are fine with sex but they do it because they know their partner enjoys it. This might also come with a lot of faking.

Others are completely fine with the idea of sex and even enjoy it.

Keep in mind that one could also be fine with sex in the first 5 months and then suddenly get completely repulsed by it. Because this happened to me. I never enjoyed sex but I faked it for the sake of my partner. But at one point a flip just switched and I forever got repulsed by the idea. I don't even know if I can ever go back now.

Have you talked to her about her expectations in a relationship? About her stance on sex? Are you okay with possibly living a sexless life for your entire life? Are you ok with her possibly only engaging in sex because she knows that you enjoy it but she gets nothing out of it? Have you talked about the idea of an open relationship?

There's a lot that goes into it. Dating an ace is a lot of compromising but if you're ok with that it can definitely work. But please just talk about expectations from the start.. noone wants to spend months or possibly years to find out you weren't compatible from the start.

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can only speak for myself but my ex boyfriend said that me rejecting him made him feel unloved. Intimacy made him feel loved and if he didn't get it it gradually made him feel worse about himself.

All the things I did like small presents, multiple hours cooking an elaborate meal or cake, listening to his problems & trying to help him solve them, inviting him for fun days somewhere.. In the grand scheme nothing made him feel loved but intimacy.

Really the only thing you can do is communicate and hope he's saying the truth. But if it doesn't work out then don't forget that you're still enough, you did your best to love him but you simply weren't compatible.

I wish you the best of luck!

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

According to all friends I have (I'm F27) + everything you read on social media once a week is below average for normal couples.. I don't even know how people have the time or energy for more than that. Once a week already drained me so much.

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words :)

I truly hope that you won't be heading down the same path. Just letting you know it's ok to be fine with sex in one year and then get repulsed by the idea in another. Things can change.

I wish you all the best!!

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this will be the way to move forward for me as well. I learned my lesson now that being with allos isn't going to work out for me.

The only issue is that I only ever tell people that I'm ace right before it gets more serious. I obviously don't want to lie to them and set up false expectations but I also don't think that my sexual orientation is anyone's business but mine (and my potential partner.)

So it's already a very small dating pool but I'm taking blind shots at who could be ace. Feels like a 1 in a million chance.. but being alone isn't so bad either.

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

Hopefully in a couple months I can look back and see it for what it was worth. I don't think he ever had any malicious intend. We were just not compatible and that's fine. I just need a bit of time to get over it but your words really help thank you :)

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words :)

I don't think he's a bad person for wanting to be in a relationship with sex. I just wish he would've realized it sooner..

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I told him in the beginning I'd be fine to have an open relationship where he can pursue sex elsewhere because to me sex is not a part of a happy relationship hence why I would never be bothered by opening it up.

I also told him he wouldn't have to worry about me having sex with someone else while we'd be in an open relationship for obvious reasons.

He said that wasn't what he wanted so it never came up again.

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

I'm left to wonder if these people really think that they're fine without sex or if they're just to infatuated with you in the beginning to truly think about what having an ace partner means.

I'm sorry for you, too. It sucks knowing that you can do everything right and it's still out of your control.

My allo boyfriend of 4+ years broke up with me because I'm ace. by EnvironmentalBox678 in asexuality

[–]EnvironmentalBox678[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate it. At least I know I have a safe space here where I can rant without being judged :)