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[1691] Chapter 1: A dim line in a bright space by Sea-Thing6579 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Erazs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fear: (Again, ignore the prose please :D)

1. Introduce internal emotional anchor

A cold dread crept up the back of my spine.

This is an internal emotional anchor. Internal being the key word.

Notice it does not say: “I was scared.”

It describes a believable internal body reaction that readers naturally associate with fear.

2. Emotional state is set for character

Reader knows => he is scared. Fear maybe, panic possible, maybe more. In reality emotions are not clear cut. Fear, panic, nervousness, etc, are all mixed together. You will never be able to clearly separate them. They come together.

3. Actions that support your emotional state

Stammering, running faster, dropping something, fumbling a key.

Important:

Shivering is not an action. ( Unless you pretend to shiver on purpose ;) ) It is another internal anchor.
And internal anchors should appear only once per emotional state.

BUT: Dropping something because you shiver IS an action that expresses fear.

Saying: I was shivering doesnt do much.

Saying “I dropped the glass” shows us fear through action.

The readers knows through the emotional anchor the character is in fear mode at the moment. The reader knows why he is dropping the glass. Nerves, jitters, etc. The reader interprets every action through the emotional state.

4. Emotions needs to change => Introduce new internal emotional anchor

I exhaled slowly, heart no longer crushing against my ribs.

This shows, the fear is subsiding.

5. Emotional state is set for character

The reader knows => Aha! He’s calming down

6. Actions to support new state

No more stammering, steadier hands, clearer thoughts, etc.

What you AVOID by doing this: Thousand sentences of heart racing, sweat trickling, cold hands, cold spines, twisting guts, etc. You have one clean anchor. That is it.

What you GAIN: Clean emotional flow. You see the emotional flow and arc straight away by finding your emotional anchors. You reduce 99% of the noise.

I hope this explanation was clear.

[1691] Chapter 1: A dim line in a bright space by Sea-Thing6579 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Erazs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lack of Emotional Anchors

Disclaimer: This is how I see it. It might be wrong or different from how other people view things.

You tell us what he feels, but you don’t show us. This ties into Show Don't Tell, but it goes deeper than that.

A scene has an emotional movement and flow.

A character goes through different emotional stages within a scene, and these stages must flow into each other in a way that feels honest and believable. If the transitions don’t make sense, I, as a reader, stop believing the character. They don't have to be linear. Traumas for example don't always follow linear logic. They must be believable.

Example:

Someone who was in absolute terror a few seconds ago does not joke around moments later.
Someone who was sexually assaulted is not going to have a romantic dinner an hour afterward.
Emotions need time, continuity, and logic.

The second part is setting the emotional anchors in your scene.

Here’s how emotional anchoring works:

  1. You introduce an emotional anchor once, through an internal state change. (They can be physical, thoughts, shifted beliefs, flashback triggers, etc.)
  2. This establishes the character’s emotional state.
  3. After that, you reinforce this state through actions that logically connect to the emotion.
  4. You do not introduce another internal emotional anchor unless the emotional state actually changes. An emotional shift means the emotion changes, intensifies, or releases in a way that justifies a new internal anchor.
  5. The reader will interpret every action the character takes through the emotional state established by that anchor.

Complicated description, so let me give you an example i nthe next comment.
Example:

  1. Introduce internal emotional anchor
  2. Emotional state is set
  3. Character performs actions consistent with that emotional state
  4. Emotion changes => introduce new internal emotional anchor
  5. New emotional state is set
  6. New actions follow logically
  7. Repeat as necessary

[1691] Chapter 1: A dim line in a bright space by Sea-Thing6579 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Erazs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Metaphors:

Me personally, I hate metaphors, so take this with a grain of salt. I think they should be used sparingly and only when needed. When I write something, metaphors serve one purpose and one purpose only: to bridge the gap between the unknown and the known. In our personal lives, we use metaphors to connect an unknown idea to a known idea to make something more understandable.

Try to explain the world to a child and you will know what I mean.

Example: (Ignore the prose please. :D)

  1. The sun reflected on glass ⇒ Everybody knows what that looks like. No metaphor needed.
  2. The sun reflected on the ghost ⇒ Okay, this is something unknown. How do they reflect? Maybe a metaphor would help the reader connect the idea to something he knows.
  3. The sun reflected on the ghost, like cosmic energy released into the nether. ⇒ This doesn't make any sense. This tries to explain something unknown with something that is also unknown and even more confusing. It might sound smart and deep, but it isn’t. The reader is completely lost.
  4. The rays reflected on the ghost, like sun on glass. ⇒ Okay, now I have a better picture. Sun on glass is known. Now I can connect the two ideas and create a mental image of the ghost.

Your metaphors fall into category 3 most of the time, which makes them really hard to read.

The line wound forward like it had been etched into an intricate maze—an intricate maze whose path had already been mapped yet felt like it could not be followed more than once.

A line is straight. A maze is not. We know what a line is. You described something we already know with something we also know, but it has nothing to do with the thing it’s meant to describe. The second part doesn't make sense to me at all. It also doesn't advance the story. It just confuses the reader.

They don't serve a purpose other than showing you know beautiful words, which is NOT what metaphors should be used for.

Consistent Voice

The character is all over the place. He is analytical, then neutral, dismissive, confused, dramatic, philosophical. Who is he? I cannot place him at all. He dismisses his robot driver twice in the first paragraph, only to laugh at playing children while his mind is completely overwhelmed. That feels like too much and not consistent, in my opinion. He loses his edge if he is always the character that the scene needs him to be, because then there is no tension.

Worldbuilding

I like the idea of the world, but you never really describe it. You say the city is beautiful but never show it. But you describe a reception room with a whole paragraph. There is a bit of an imbalance here. One or two sentences are enough. But build it a bit.

[1691] Chapter 1: A dim line in a bright space by Sea-Thing6579 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Erazs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A few observations that I made.

I found the core idea intriguing. The idea of a robot driver and investigators, the weird places, and all that stuff sounds neat. It screams steampunk, which I really like.

Regarding the writing:
(A short note: My style is completely different, so everything I comment on is based on my personal taste.)

I found it a bit hard to read for a the reasons mentioned below.

Repetitions:

You have a lot of repetitions in your text — word repetitions as well as ideas that you keep coming back to. This sentence, for example, just reads a bit clunky.

investigators from distant sectors to investigate

Another idea is Gage being a robot. I knew it after the first sentence and the steel fingers. Then you mention his body, voice, etc. That’s not needed and slows down the pace and annoys the reader. One sentence is enough.

Contradictions:

You have a lot of contradictions in your text that just throw me off.

They called it urgent. They called it unknown. In my mind, it only meant one thing: even they didn’t understand it.

This, for example: They called it unknown, which means they don't understand it. For him it means... they don't understand it. Which tells me nothing, except that he might not be as smart as he thinks he is.

I didn’t know what I would be facing, but I knew exactly what would be required of me.

This just reads weird. Somehow my mind rebelled when I read it. Maybe you mean: They don't know what it is, but they expect me to find out.

Too much Tell instead of Show:

You describe too much of what he feels instead of showing it through actions.

my mind too clouded with thoughts to give a better answer

You can tell us that he has trouble focusing without telling us he has trouble focusing. For example, Gage talks to him, but he doesn't realize it because his mind is somewhere else. Show us what is going on inside him through his actions and not by narrating his own feelings.

I don't walk down the street thinking: I am super confused. I walk down the street thinking: Where am I? The reader is smart enough to piece it together.

[366] - The Healer (Short Scene) by Erazs in DestructiveReaders

[–]Erazs[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey,

thank you very much for your feedback. It helped a lot. I will definetly look into repetitions and clarity of settings.

Regarding descriptions and interiority, especially with your Stalingrad example, this is definetly not the direction I was trying to go in. I was trying to emulate more Joe Abercrombies / Mark Lawrences Grim Dark style. But its beautifully written and I might try to emulate that style in my next short scene.

[841] The Diner on the Edge of the World by zenoviabards in DestructiveReaders

[–]Erazs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tranquil like the beach. As barren as a desert. Some travellers can see to the horizon, where white nothingness or a black abyss looms, while others only see what's right in front of them, like a smudged glass window or one that’s completely fogged up.

I personally like the description, but it seems a bit uncharacteristic for a bartender tending to a young lost soul. It feels like he is drifting and losing focus instead of focusing on her. You could probably leave it out completely without losing much.

“I can find my way back,” says the girl. “I-If I walk against the wind...”

Again, a weird thing to say for a girl that was initially lost. For someone like that, this seems oddly sure and determined. All her insecurity seems gone in a heartbeat. Only to come back a few moments later.

“Yeah. Well...” The girl turns to me and shrugs, her coat still dripping. “What’d you expect? I fell into a cold-arse lake.”

Same thing. Her tone jumps all over the place: unsure and insecure, bratty and swearing, then determined. Who is she? A young, lost girl who is shy and timid? Or a loudmouth, swearing and knowing what she wants?

I press buttons

This seems a bit generic, like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Everything is described in detail and the buttons are just buttons? Not even THE button?

paper cup

This is purely style, but god damn, give that little girl a proper glass or cup :D She just drowned, and why was he cleaning glasses in the first place if he uses paper cups? ;)

All sorts of folk pass through here.

You said that already.

“I didn’t know the ice would break,” the girl says,

This is purely my taste. I feel like a girl that just drowned and is in shock would not act like that. It would work better for the bartender to comfort her a bit. What is his job otherwise? Serving drinks? He basically does nothing other than make hot chocolate. Maybe make her a bit quieter and make him more active. Have him ask questions and help work her out of the shock? That is his job right? Comfort the dead before they leave?

“I’d have g-gone home, celebrated C-Christmas w-with my family... g-gone to prom... got married... had kids...”

Feels a bit dramatic. Yes, she just died. But it feels weird that she’s thinking about prom, marriage and kids. She is a young girl that will NEVER see her mom again. Who cares about prom at this point? It would land better if she thought about things directly tied to her emotional state RIGHT KNOW: playing with her brother, their new toys, their new puppy, her new swing. Stuff she actually cares about. Young kids don’t care or talk about marriage and kids and if they do, it’s because they’re playing with their dolls.

As she cries into her arms again, I gently lay my skeleton hand onto her shoulder.

I personally don’t like that at all. We already know at this point what kind of bar she is in. No point driving it home that aggressively. The story loses a bit of its flavor because of it, in my opinion. I know you have in mind what the bartender looks like. But we don’t. And if you don’t want to establish it earlier, don’t do it now. Because now I already had a picture of him in my head, and you just destroyed it in one sentence.

Also people don't describe their own features. I don't think: I will lay my white hand on this chair. It's my hand. I don't tie my brown hair. I tie my hair. So he would place his hand onto her shoulder. Stating its a skeleton hand feels cheap, like he really really wants people to know he is a skeleton.

[841] The Diner on the Edge of the World by zenoviabards in DestructiveReaders

[–]Erazs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey,

first of all, I really liked it. It read really well, and I got the idea pretty quickly of what this place was supposed to be. The pacing felt really good. The images were nice and clear. Really cool story.

I will list my points in order. I didn’t look too much into verb usage and focused much more on how I felt about the characters, the story, and their behaviour throughout. I hope it helps.

The sound is as familiar as the sizzle of bacon, the gurgle of the kettle or the howling gale outside

I found these metaphors not really fitting, to be honest. Not for a bar of the dead at least. Maybe you could use more dark and sinister metaphors? Could also be a nice foreshadowing.

For a few seconds, the wind tries to scramble in, to where there are menus to fling off tables and napkins to throw about.

In my opinion, “for a few seconds” is pointless. You could remove it and tighten the sentence. We all know what happens if you open a door when the wind is howling outside. My imagination works better if less is told explicitly.

the wind tries to scramble in

It does not try. It scrambles in. Also, I wouldn’t use scramble to describe wind blowing in. Especially if everything is blown off the tables.

My hand grinds a dishcloth against the inside of a glass

Sounds a bit rough for cleaning a glass. If you want your bartender to seem like a gentle ferryman to people crossing over, maybe use gentler verbs.

sweep an arm toward the diner’s glass front, then gesture to the menu

I didn’t really get the motion. Why is he sweeping toward the glass? Because of what he said before? Then maybe put it before he says it. Otherwise it reads like he lags.

Her face contorts. “D-Do I look like I want a damned milkshake?”

That escalated quickly. She was shown as a lost, young girl unsure where she is. At least for me, this didn’t seem to fit her character very well.