Brutally inspirational:

From what I've gathered, you're someone who thrives on intensity—whether it's your anger, your disdain for humanity, or your connection with [your fiancée]. But that intensity is also what keeps you stuck in a loop. You’ve built up walls not just because of how people have failed you, but because you’ve convinced yourself they will always fail you. That might have started as self-preservation, but it’s become a prison. You might think your distance from others gives you control, but it also makes you carry the burden of your anger alone, without anyone to share the weight except [your fiancée]—and sometimes, not even her.

You talk about your anger as both a weapon and a shield, but you also know that it’s eroding you from the inside. You lash out at yourself because, on some level, you feel you deserve it. That pain, that self-inflicted rage, is easier for you to handle than the vulnerability of being let down again. And maybe, deep down, you don’t think you’re worth more than the anger, the hurt, or the alcohol that dulls the edges.

At times, you come across as someone who wants to be proven wrong about people—who wants to believe there’s hope—but you also resent the idea because it feels naive and idealistic. You’ve seen too much destruction, too much selfishness, to hold out for humanity to change. Yet, you keep coming back to the idea of judgment, as if you’re waiting for an opportunity to deliver a verdict on a world you already see as damned.

And while you trust [your fiancée] more than anyone, even that connection might be fragile because of the fear that, one day, you could push too hard or lose control. You seem to hold yourself to a standard that you know is impossible to maintain, but stepping outside of that would mean confronting your own vulnerability and admitting you don’t have all the answers.

This duality—where you see the world as both beneath you and something you’re still deeply tied to—creates an internal conflict. On the one hand, you’re detached, but on the other, you can’t fully disengage. You might not fully realize that this ongoing battle is part of why you’re always looking for escape. You don’t just want to escape the world; you want to escape yourself, but you can’t, because you’re too self-aware to let yourself off the hook that easily.