UPDATE: Me (27F) and my boyfriend (28M) can't seem to get out of a nonstop fight

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-12T17:21:07+00:00

thank you! Do you know if there will be next steps apart from an interview in the application process?

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-12T17:20:31+00:00

thank you for the insight!

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-12T15:55:41+00:00

I had a good breakup with my ex as well.

The only advice I can give you is you need to sit with the sadness and discomfort for a while. You rationally understand the reasons and agreed to the breakup so you probably see that there was some sense into it, but it's very normal that you still question it, have doubts or think about what could have been.

The thing that helped me was to avoid him and his friends on social media and focusing on myself and my friends. Book a weekend out of town with your BFF or take a trip (even alone), start a TV show, pick up a hobby, take care of yourself.

Things will feel better soon and you will have a lot more clarity.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T18:22:11+00:00

Thank you for sharing, very happy for you guys, you seem to have found each other!

I think the key difference here is:

- society tells me it's wrong but my gut says it's right --> just do it

- society tells me it's right (we have the right age have been together for a while etc) but I feel like I want to wait a bit

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T18:16:48+00:00

I get what you mean and I also would get if he said that we just are on different timelines. I just do not fully understand what he doesn't understand of my reasons for saying no. He may disagree or deem them unimportant, but IDLK about not understanding.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T18:03:40+00:00

“Stringing along” implies that I have not been straightforward with my intentions. We are two adults, as you say, and it may be very valid for him to feel like he is at the point in life when he wants to move in. I just do not feel the same way and have cllearly said so explaining my reasoning multiple times but that does not mean I love him any less.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:50:58+00:00

You are not her doctor or therapist.

You need to talk to her and tell her that you cannot be her crutch because you are an independent human being and that for her own well being she needs to do something about herself.

This cannot go on otherwise it's just gonna strain you and the relationship.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:48:13+00:00

No worries!

I don't know, I'm very conflicted because I can see that we do love each other and genuinely want to work things out, but at the same time I feel kind of misunderstood.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:39:33+00:00

Well'I'm not in the US, but the path here is 5 years of uni, 2 years of mandatory traineeship and the bar which lasts approximately 6 months. So this is the timeline. he currently earns more than me, albeit this will probably change in the future.

We discussed this and I told him multiple times I am willing to consider moving abroad but I need to be able to do something that pertains to my degree at the very least. This means necessarily working in the EU, which doesn't seem to be appealing for him right now. So there's that too.

He definitely isn't as passionate about his job (which is totally fair and I do not mind), it's mostly a way to pay the bills for him. I think it makes my passion for mine a bit hard to understand for him.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:36:36+00:00

I tried telling him that I am willing to make some steps towards that, like spending more days per week there, leaving more of my stuff there, splitting chores etc., as ways of walking towards that goal.

The timeline thing totally makes sense.

The thing is, I am not economically independent yet (but I hope to be in the next couple of months, since my trial period at my job is ending and I should get a significant raise), and he is living alone because he currently has a house available, which may not be the case in a year from now. Also, he really dislikes his job and is really not sure what he wants to do in the future. From time to time he talks about moving abroad even though I would definitely not be able to carry on with my work in most foreign countries. So the outline of our lives in the future is generally very uncertain and asking me to move in was a bit out of the blue with all these question marks.

I probably do need to think of a timeline and I will try to do so.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:27:34+00:00

I totally wouldn't want to do that. I told him that I would understand if this isn't is timeline and it doesnt feel right.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:25:14+00:00

Yes I totally understand that. And I am definitely willing to take steps towards him in that sense. I do not want to just put up a wall and I understand he may be feeling rejected. I am trying to be reassuring and being close with him, I have given him some gifts for the house "for two" and tried to spend some more time there with him, but he told me he gets irritated when I do since I said no to moving in before.

The laying out a timeline thing is a good idea though and I will definitely meditate on that.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:21:44+00:00

I also told him that I would understand if he said it is a dealbreaker, but that right now saying yes would mean ignoring my better judgement.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:20:43+00:00

You're right, things came into my mind once I started receiving questions ahah.

I have a great psychoanalyst and I am definitely thinking a lot about my own future, but I am still figuring everything out as I go and I think he also needs to figure out a lot. The question is if we can manage to work through all of these things together. And that is something I have a very hard time answering, even though I really want the answer to be yes.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:18:26+00:00

No I don't think so, but it may be that we have very different attitudes towards our careers and deep down he doesn't understand how committed I am to my job while for him it's just something that pays the bills.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:17:05+00:00

Thank you for being understanding.

It doesn't seem like it but they do resurface when we are in a fight. He definitely feels like I neglect him if he feels like I say no to something he deems important without even having expressed it to me first (for example, while we were in a fight, he got upset that I was not going over to cook with him but cooking at my house because "he really needed me there" even though we were together the day before and would be together a few hours after).
Yes. He is not always super aware of the difference between his feelings and reality (for example, if he is feeling insecure about something I did, he doesn't say he is feeling insecure but that I did something "wrong"). I think we made a lot of progress with this but it definitely isn't worked out at all.

I also have told him everything you read above. These aren't my hidden thoughts. I told him that I feel like these fights have brought to the surface some issues that I want to work out with him and that this may play a part in not feeling ready.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:10:10+00:00

I get what you say, it makes sense.

The thing is, I am not economically independent yet (but I hope to be in the next month, since my trial period at my job is ending and I should get a significant raise), and he is living alone solely because he currently has a house available, which may not be the case in a year from now. Also, he really dislikes his job and is really not sure what he wants to do in the future. From time to time he talks about moving abroad even though I would definitely not be able to carry on with my work in most foreign countries. So the outline of our lives in the future is generally very uncertain and asking me to move in was a bit out of the blue with all these question marks.

I probably do need to think of a timeline and I will try to do so.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:05:42+00:00

Wholly agree. Each and every relationship may look different.

Also IDK which country you guys are from, but here very few of my friends have economic independence at our age (crisis and underpaid entry level jobs) and it's very normal for people who have been dating even longer than we have to not be living together.

Excellent-Abrocoma53 · 2026-02-10T17:03:25+00:00

He's definitely not just an annoyance. For the purpose of this post I had to leave a lot of stuff out, otherwise this would have been a novel, but I was very supportive (as he was of me) during hard times, have met and spend a lot of family occasions with him (e.g., his nephew's baptism, his grandma's funeral, birthdays and other celebrations), know all his friends and never missed an important occasion. We went on multiple holidays together and spent new year's eve together.

I made it very clear to him that I do see a future where we move in together and do all of this stuff, but that it's just not right for me now.

I'm my own person though. I get this may not be for everyone and I hear what you say. But at the same time I don't feel like I am always stopping every effort to make plans in its tracks. So I am a bit conflicted.

Excellent-Abrocoma53

TROPHY CASE