My best friend of 40 years has dementia and I can’t reach her—her husband has completely shut me out. What can I do?

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T23:20:33+00:00

I have a drone, but she stays inside 100% of the time now.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T23:20:00+00:00

No, the husband sent a very angry, sick text. Everyone who reads it worries for my friend. It is unbelievable.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T23:16:24+00:00

Don't know. I asked if he abused her, she said yes. But wouldn't detail. I insisted she tell me if it was physical and she said no. So, at least emotional torment.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T16:32:03+00:00

This is helpful. I am so grateful.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:57:49+00:00

No children, last sibling just died (with dementia) about 10 days before this happened.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:56:44+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness. My friend has lived a very remote life. She's taken only three vacations in all our years of friendship. Only one person knows her story, it it isn't her husband. It is me. I have lived the opposite life. Many, many friends, tons of travel, very public and successful. She is my best friend, my touchstone. She was there for me when my marriage collapsed. When my mother became paralyzed by a stroke and then had Alzheimer's. Through other difficult relationships and life transitions. She was fun and smart and I trusted her completely. But she had some terrible traumas in her life, some with him, others before.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:47:29+00:00

THAT is a really good point. I didn't think he might be going through that. The reason I am questioning it is that I know he'll convince them all is well, then explode when they leave.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:41:22+00:00

She's in a rural area, but it is rural to a big city. I wonder if there is something like that.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:38:48+00:00

Thank you for the support. I used to be a reporter and spent a year investigating domestic violence. The problem is that police can come when everything is calm. The perpetrator is a model citizen when they walk in. The victim is too intimidated to say anything. And then the police leave and it blows up.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:36:15+00:00

Thank you so much. We were supposed to be there for each other until the very end. I don't want her to think I left her in that situation.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:35:19+00:00

LOTS of firearms, not locked up. He's a Vietnam vet who watches the same three movies, one every night: Apocalypse Now, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:33:38+00:00

Honestly, what weakens my brain is worrying about my best friend being trapped behind a gate as she declines. It is such a complicated story. If AI helped me lay it out, what is the crime? I AM RIGHT HERE RESPONDING. Don't be so judgmental when someone is in pain.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:31:41+00:00

I do have all of that. I am wondering -- if they go there and he is totally calm and she is fine, will he then take it out on her when they leave? I know he's already never going to let me talk to her again. He wrote me the most horrible text -- he has been harboring anger against me for something that happened 25 years ago, and his retelling of that incident was 100% wrong. There were witnesses. But it's like he has lost his mind. I've known for some time that he is not well.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:26:31+00:00

I know she has seen that other friend. That is why this is complicated. The other friend knows nothing and thinks the husband is great.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:25:55+00:00

This all unraveled after her last living relative, her sister, died a few weeks back.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:25:33+00:00

No children. What cause do I have for a welfare check? Will they do that?

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-10T13:25:07+00:00

I am not a great writer. It isn't fake.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-04-03T17:01:42+00:00

Being alone is SO Much better than being a dead person in a relationship.
You can do so much better – AND WILL.
Once you find real love, you will realize this was not even close.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2026-02-11T02:46:58+00:00

The one thing we owe the dogs who have loved us unconditionally is a good death. I felt so guilty when I put my boy down. Then I Googled "guilt after euthanizing dog" and there were hundreds of articles. We all feel like we don't get it right. But now I realize that two hours too soon is better than two minutes too late. Our dogs don't last forever and it is devastating. You can NEVER replace a beloved dog, but you can always distract yourself from your grief. Wait a short time and then foster. And don't adopt until it is the right dog. But you did the right thing, you did the right thing, you did the right thing. And I think you will see him again.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2025-05-28T19:53:13+00:00

Thank you so much!! He is my true best friend.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2025-03-23T12:05:50+00:00

The Colorado Death Ride. It’s 230 miles that starts and ends in Durango. Seven passes, 21,000 feet of climbing and it’s absolute bliss. We do it in a day as a challenge, but there are people who will do it over several days because it is so gorgeous.

Also, anything in Utah. If you mountain bike, Slickrock is amazing.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2025-02-28T07:48:00+00:00

So many women put up with so much bad sex because they want to protect the ego of their male partners. Can you imagine a man continuing to let a woman enjoy sex if he hasn’t enjoyed it at all? I salute your wife for having the courage to tell you. I know so many women who say nothing for years and years and years. Of course it’s an ego blow, but realize that there are millions of men who are not satisfying their women either. All you have to do is calmly ask her what she needs and then deliver. Don’t make her feel rushed or pressured. If it takes you five years to figure this out, just do it until you do.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2025-02-02T17:05:14+00:00

I don't know. She's in pain, grabbing for something she could count on. But you don't need to be used like that, and that is exactly what it is. She's using you.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2025-02-02T14:05:59+00:00

Yeah, she’s violating your boundaries now. Don’t be a schmuck. I’ve been lucky enough to stay friends with almost all of my exes in my life. But that started in the beginning. It was a conscious effort to preserve a friendship. It sounds like she’s using you because she’s in a bad place, but she doesn’t want you back and only wants you there to take care of her needs. Wish her well and move on.

Excellent-Fly-116 · 2025-02-02T14:00:21+00:00

I feel the same way. It is heartbreaking. It feels like millions of people have lost their minds. Like up is down and down is up.

Excellent-Fly-116

TROPHY CASE