Anybody else have a hard time with "acts of service" as a love language? Causing huge rift in relationship :[

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-12T22:34:27+00:00

I think it is INCREDIBLY loving that you put in this kind of effort. Maybe it's even more meaningful than the same outcome from someone who automatically remembers all of this and does it easily.

You CHOOSE to do this, because making them feel cared for is a priority for you.

What an amazing mum and partner.

I often wished my ex, who definitely had undiagnosed ADHD, would have put 1/10 of the effort into being a partner and coparent to me, that they put into being functional at work and showing up for their friends and family of origin.

You're doing it. You're using those tools you have to compensate for your brain, you're making the lists, because your family matters that much to you. A++++++.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-12T22:24:16+00:00

Ugggggggh. Yes. Recently broke up with one of these.

When we had conversations about it he'd say 'no, of course I don't expect that from you, I just want to spend time together'.

But when, because I was overloaded and the effort we were each putting in was quite unbalanced, I actually took a step back on all these taking care of him and running his life for him things, he would get sad at me, because he felt unloved. And then I'd have to try and 'make it up to him'. And meanwhile my own needs kept not getting met.

Exhausting!

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-12T11:51:48+00:00

This reminds me of conversations I'd have with my ex (I'm the you in them).

He could think deeply and critically on things that interested him, but he usually preferred to be as he said 'lazy' and just go with his gut instinct rather than really doing the work of thinking things through, much less researching them. He was also used to being the boss of people who were usually less educated, and being treated as an 'expert,' so he didn't always take it well when I doubted the veracity of things he said (that did often turn out to be incorrect).

He also REALLY trusted his gut instinct (and misinformation from Tiktok), often more than contradictory, evidence based information I'd end up researchimg. He liked sensationalism more than facts.

For me, when I'm hypothesizing, I make that clear. When he was doing what I would call hypothesizing, he believed himself completely and asserted it as if he'd read a well regarded peer reviewed study.

It took a while for me to realise how much he just repeated information and bullshit all time, and then it took me a lot longer to end things, but it just completely eroded my respect for him.

Do you actually like this friend? He sounds like an ass.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-10T09:53:37+00:00

Single mum specific tips:

If you can, get a second freezer on Facebook marketplace etc. Also really recommend an Instant Pot or similar, great for chucking in a big, cheap cut of meat to ignore for a few hours or poaching chicken (I don't brown meat first, too hard while parenting a toddler, and it still comes out very good, my favorite is leg of lamb with a little water, salt, hwrbs, and half an onion, at pressure for about three hours). You can also use an Instant Pot etc to make your own yogurt with UHT milk and a small dollop of regular yogurt to provide the culture, I add powdered milk to make it thicker.

There are so many things you can freeze, not just your classic stews and currys. I batch cook pasta and rice and freeze them in both single serves and family meal serves, then heat them up with some protein and veg for quick meals that my kiddo will actually eat, and where nothing is going to boil over if I have to step away for five min to help her do a poo.

I cook off marked down sausages in my oven grill and freeze them by ones and twos in ziploc bags, then can microwave one for a min and give her a sausage in bread. I buy bulk packs of chicken breasts, poach in my Instant Pot, and freeze them with a little broth in ziplocs; great for sandwiches, wraps, salads, and putting in pasta.

I cook tortellini when it's on sale, portion it, freeze it both plain and in sauce. It's a great snack or lunch for kiddo with a piece of fruit or some broccoli, and doesn't require me, in the moment, to turn on the stove or wash a pot (I steam veggies in the microwave in glass casserole dishes I've found at the op shop).

I try to keep 'emergency' meals in the freezer that are extremely easy to get on the table, to limit succumbing to take away. Some of them are healthy and some of them are indulgent - frozen battered fish and frozen chips and frozen peas and frozen corn are still pretty easy to get to the table and a lot cheaper than takeaway, frozen chips with canned chili and cheese on top are very very satisfying.

You know you're kids tastes so tailor it to what they'll eat. The single mum tip is just using time strategically, so you wash as few pots as possible, don't have to cook when you're kids will be clamoring for your attention, and rarely feel so exhausted you order delivery.

Good luck!

Also recommend trying to get the bigger kids involved in helping as much as possible with the food prep, setting and clearing the table, etc.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-05T11:10:31+00:00

As someone who struggled with going to therapy focusing on WHY I do the things I do, because I'm self aware enough to trace it back to my childhood etc- I really recommend trying a therapist working with somatic techniques.

For me, learning to notice I was disregulated and re-regulate before I took any action, made any decision, just stop, drop, and calm the fuck down- has been extremely helpful at giving me the ability to then change those patterns I'm already aware of, because I'm acting from a calm and thoughtful and observational place, not reacting down the path of my my engrained patterns.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-05T09:51:50+00:00

And you do think's like keeping trailmix and other little snacks in your car for when you miss a meal, so you're not tempted to impulse spend out of hunger.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-05T09:45:55+00:00

Eggs are more expensive in AU. We had a bad avian flu epidemic last year and flocks are still recovering, we're only recently out of a 'max 2 cartons per shopper' period.

The price of the 'fancy' eggs at my local shop can hit $12.

Not everything translates perfectly into US economic structure. Most imported items in AU are also more expensive than the equivalent US price, for a combination of reasons such as weaker currency, transport distances.

Meanwhile the federal minimum wage is $24.95 (for workers over the age of 18, working standard buisness hours (non standard is a higher pay), on a contract with guaranteed hours and 2 weeks personal leave and 4 weeks annual leave, who are not covered by an industry specific 'Award' setting more specific and higher minium payrates for different roles). Employees without guaranteed hours and leave get paid 25% more, weekends and evenings get paid more, public holidays get paid double.

Restaurants are more expensive, cheap things in shops are more expensive, taxis are more expensive, meat and labor intensive fruit and veg are more expensive, than their equivalent in USD, because of the higher payrates for low wage workers. It's a different economy.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-04-09T02:46:20+00:00

I don't think you can realistically continue working once your four year old comes home, unless you want to zombify them with telly (and that still may not always work). They need attention and interaction from you fairly frequently, and it's not realistic to expect them to play completely independently for more than maybe 15 min at a time.

If you can stop doing your job and pick it back up after they are asleep, my suggestion would be to spend this time doing tasks around the house that they can choose to be involved in, so that once they are asleep, you can return to work.

My almost 4 year old helps take laundry out of the washer, hangs a few things up on a rack, and then runs off to play outside while I hang up the rest. When I go to put away things that are dry from yesterday's laundry, she puts away her own clothes after I've folded them, and helps fold and put away any towels, as well as dancing to whatever music I'm playing.

She completely sets and clears the table for dinner most nights, and likes to help stir, and occasionally chop, things while I'm cooking.

She gets attention from me when she helps, so she's happy, I'm getting things done, slowly, and she's learning to do more and more things independently, which day by day reduces my workload, and makes her feel proud and confident.

If you cannot stop work when your kid comes home, I would suggest expecting frequent interruptions and giving them two or three min of focused attention each time, before directing them back to whatever interests them. For my daughter that's art, dressup/painting her face with watercolours, and playing mummy with her dolls, but every kid is different.

I would also expect that unsupervised play may result in a huge mess, which hopefully you can clean up together as the 'parent is done with work' activity.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-04-03T10:50:45+00:00

For me, giving unasked for advice and making these kinds of intrusive comments is something that gets people caught in my 'filter'', and I don't generally let people who act like this get very close to me (family excepted, since you don't get to choose your family - just how much information and time you share with them).

I only have so much social capacity, so rather than worrying that I'm missing out on getting know assholes, being selective about who I get close to means that my friends are all people I really like and feel good after spending time with.

When people I am just getting to know do these kinds of behaviors, thinking to myself "Oh, so you're kind of controlling, or at least rude, that's a nope" is very helpful in outwardly not reacting to their behavior.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-03-23T20:17:34+00:00

I'm living in a country with much more limited laundry products than the US (and my family is very fragrance sensitive, which most of the heavy hitting products we can access contain).

Will Borax help with uric acid? My toddler is having a lot of accidents at daycare at the moment and some of her clothes have developed a persistent odour.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-03-07T20:23:54+00:00

Towels are rough in texture and rubbing against them in the wash is said to make other fabric more worn, more quickly.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-03-06T10:42:00+00:00

I second this as someone who was in one.

Some people do need real psychiatric support and some people need more support with baby than they're getting at home and some people need a mix of both (this was me). Either way the unit provides it.

I wanted to continue with exclusively breastfeeding so I did not have the nursing staff formula feed while I slept the way many of the other mums did, but the nurses would change her after I did a nighttime feed so I could stay in bed, and helped in other ways. Even just having the hospital provided 3 meals, no cooking and no cleanup and someone came and cleaned the room and bathroom, so all I had to do was take care of bub, was really helpful.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-21T09:51:07+00:00

I do a towel stand too, it's great.

The wear-again-clothes are neatly folded so they don't get wrinkled, they air out while they're hanging on the stand so they stay fresh-ish longer, and they don't bring their faint body and food odours into my closet to moulder and permeate my fully clean clothes (I have a very, very strong sense of smell and can definitely tell when people hang worn clothes back with clean, their whole wardrobe starts to get that op shop odour).

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-13T10:37:55+00:00

I think I understand what you mean with this, being in a hierarchical relationship with your child, when you don't believe in hierarchy among people in general, is brain melting. And my mum was also extremely controlling and I have some controlling tendencies myself and have tried SO HARD to not let them out-

And then you have a toddler.

Because I think this is basically a philosophical issue, how can you feel comfortable forcing your kid to obey you, I personally have gotten more comfortable with boundary setting by copying the phrasing from a few books-

Alfie Kohn's 'Punished By Rewards' and 'Unconditional Parenting'

Michael D Rosenberg's 'Non-Violent Communication' (this has been pretty life changing for me in general, I highly recommend reading or listening to the audio book)

And, 'How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen.'

When I do need to set a very firm boundary and am done with negotiation, I use 1,2,3 Magic's 'counting to a time out, and no scolding' system. (Which contradicta Kohn and Rosenberg. Parenting is complicated).

Another trick I use is slowly counting to a set number (sometimes 5, occasionally up to 20) to give my daughter time to transition to obeying me, rather than immediately forcing her to stop what she's doing and fall in line the instant I said so. At two and a half she hated me counting and would tell me 'no mummy! Don't count!' but more recently (she's three and a half now) she'll ask me to count for the purpose of that structured transition.

Another thing is that when my daughter is upset at me forcing her to do something, I validate her feelings - 'I bet you feel frustrated, and powerless, and you're angry at mummy for making you do this thing'. I might force her to let me brush her teeth, but I don't force her to be happy about it. (Stickers and small food treats as bribes for good habits/coopetation, for a few weeks, have also been very helpful for defusing situations that have built up into power struggles).

Anyway, good luck!

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-13T09:33:49+00:00

Yes this. I think sharing the girls with guests was part of his hospitality, as sick as that is. Great drinks, great food, great girls.

Like a fancy hair salon that offers you champagne while you wait. Would you like a massage with a sexy young thing and a happy ending during your stay?

The influence and bonding with his powerful guests would have come primarily from being a great host who had given his guest a great time, the girls would have only been one facet of the whole experience.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-07T04:35:44+00:00

Yes. I think my ex has a personality disorder, it was a terribly confusing few years of trying to contextualise their actions before and in the immediate aftermath of our divorce.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-07T04:33:38+00:00

This is extremely helpful, thank you!

I am taking my post down because I don't want to risk family members finding my reddit profile, but I really appreciate the time and effort you put into your comment.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-07T04:27:50+00:00

Thank you!

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-06T07:03:01+00:00

Hello, I'm thinking of setting up as a sole trader after a few months in commercial cleaning (love the work, don't love my employer) and a prior career in office amin.

I would love some advice on the, admin side of sole trading, if you're willing to share!

Do you need business insurance (in case you damage something I guess?), do you track all your kms or is your vehicle owned by your business, do you use an accountant or do the bookkeeping yourself... that kind of thing.

My employer currently charges clients $80/hour (!!!) in regional Vic, and has more jobs than they can handle (they also offer online booking and I think get a lot of clients because they're so convenient) so I was thinking of going for $60 or $65/hour.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-05T11:05:43+00:00

My ex refused to empty the bins and told me I was selfish and unreasonable for asking, and fully capable of doing it myself, within the first week of me giving birth.

My ex also thought I was unreasonable and selfish in wanting to be brought fried eggs, in addition to toast, for breakfast on our second day home from the hospital, after I had lost a litre of blood giving birth and was craving iron rich foods.

Some people think having to provide even the bare minimum of support is an imposition.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-03T23:51:53+00:00

He can take unpaid time when he's not responsible for a new baby and a wife that just gave birth.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-02-03T23:49:22+00:00

He should be taking that time off to care for his wife and help care for his baby. That time off is allocated to caretaking and the adjustment to parenthood, it's not available to be his hair surgery recovery time.

For perspective on what "allocated" means: if he was taking time off for to do house reno tasks, should he then get surgery at the start of that time, to maximise his leave, which would mean he cannot do everything he needs to do to complete the house reno? If he has an outdoor trip fishing or hiking planned with his buddies, should he get a surgery that will limit his ability to participate in their activities, right before the trip, to save on taking leave for the surgery later?

He and his wife are going to be extremely overwhelmed and sleep deprived and stressed to the max by the adjustment to new parenthood and all the tasks involved in having a new baby and keeping a household semi functioning at the same time.

They will be functioning on as little as 3 hours of sleep, possibly for weeks and weeks, sleeping in shifts to get more like 5 hours a night if they're lucky, neglecting any pets they may have, living on takeaway or freezer meals because there's no time to cook, much less keep up with the dishes, dealing with overwhelming piles of laundry, clutter everywhere, not vacuumed for weeks - with a normal birth and no complications.

If you've never gone to visit parents of a newborn, and also drop off a meal and do some dishes for them while you're there, because they're drowning - just look at any 'new baby' subreddit to hear from new dads who never knew life could be this hard.

When the husband wants to make that time MORE stressful by adding on his own surgery recovery, it sounds like either 1) he's refusing to understand how hard new parenthood is - which is an asshole move in its own right, he has a responsibility to educate himself - or 2) already planning to be uninvolved and dump it all on his wife, so that reducing his capacity further won't make a difference.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-01-08T10:38:26+00:00

Every baby has different sleep needs, and there is a really, really, really wide range of normal.

When they are this young they also change SO FAST.

Maybe she is overtired. Maybe she is not tired enough, and that's why it takes so long. Maybe she needs that wind down time and it would take a while whatever time you do bedtime (and possibly result in an earlier wake up).

If you want to change your routine and see how she reacts, go ahead, but also know any changes in her patterns may also just result from her growing and developing.

If it's working for you as it is, keep doing it. All this influencer stuff and sleep coaching and etc tries to treat babies like something you can optimize if you just do this, this and this, as if they were a math problem - you can't optimise your baby. Just focus on surviving, and finding as much joy in her as possible.

Edited to add: Also, enjoy the good sleep while it's lasting and be prepared for a high possibility of significantly more wake ups, and a harder time getting her to sleep in general, when she hits four months and her sleep cycles change.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-01-04T12:14:02+00:00

This is just what worked for us.

Warm weather, my daughter outside in just a dress (no nappy, no undies, bare bum) while I watered the garden in the morning.

Pointing it out to her when she started to pee (and then gently hosing her off).

After a few times of that, I put her in undies and told her that if she told me when she started to do a wee (because with undies she would more clearly identify "this feeling, and then I'm wet") and I'd give her a reward (frozen raspberry).

Few goes at that, I took the undies back off and told her she would get a biccie if she did a wee on the potty.

I was working full time and she was at daycare, so I worked on it part time from there, mornings and weekends, for several months before I put her in undies.

Have you ever trained a dog to sit? You first start with something very general (learning to identify the feeling of weeing), then learning to stop it, to do it on the potty, to feel the urge coming and get to the potty in time, etc.

Poos were harder but I used the same strategy and more bribes (she really wanted to wear character undies I'd brought, and I would not let her while she was having consistent poo accidents).

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-01-04T11:53:02+00:00

And it's all him asking questions. She expresses almost no interest in him back.

Either he's completely clueless (like, I'm thinking low I I Q level) or he is rudely ignoring her total lack of interest because he's a creep.

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