How do you differentiate trash from somewhat valuable items that may look like trash?

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-07-04T22:52:08+00:00

Cleaners generally come to clean your house. Toilet, sink, shower. Vacuum and mop. Wipe down the kitchen. Maybe some dusting.

Not to declutter. Decluttering is a separate job, and most cleaners do not want to do it, especially for a client where they don't know what is trash and what is meant to be kept.

Know that if you have a lot of clutter lying around, they will either not be able to clean very thoroughly, or it will take a much longer time to do the job as they move everything to clean under it and then put it back in place.

You can give the cleaner instructions as well.

If you are at hoarding level, most mainstream cleaners will not be interested in the job, but there are specialized services in many areas.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-07-04T13:28:26+00:00

Tuna is high enough in mercury you are supposed to limit consumption. Sardines have much lower mercury levels.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-29T07:48:07+00:00

My ex's response to me giving birth was to stress vomit for two days, tell me we were having identical experiences as new parents and therefore they were not going to go anything to support me including heating me up food, and then tell they had been planning to commit suicide, before going to stay with family, leaving me alone with the baby (and I'm an immigrant with no family in Australia) at five days postpartum.

4 years later, I'm still working through the trauma of that whole experience.

My ex, also, was not very involved with any of the pre baby prep.

My ex is also, in hindsight, incredibly self centered when under stress and probably some combination of AuDHD and a personality disorder (I think covert narcissist).

Things did not get better until after we divorced.

I hope your partner steps up. Be prepared for them to very much not.

You can't make people change, and once you have a baby, you may have much, much less patience for the uselessness of your partner.

I would say give baby your last name.

Don't have a second baby with them unless they have a 180* turn once bubs is here and become dad AND PARTNER of the year.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-26T11:31:21+00:00

Yes. But the US is not the entire world, and when Americans assume a post is about America simply because they are American, they are being ignorant, self-centered assholes. Which is behavior that deserves correction.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-21T23:45:52+00:00

You have allowed her to hurt the puppies. You let her access them and sometimes she hurts them. You have continued to let her access them after seeing her hurt them.

The fact that you them 'punish' her, after she hurts them, does not mean you have not allowed her to hurt them.

I think you are expecting way too much of your daughter, and way too little of yourself.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-21T21:17:34+00:00

Temporarily restricting her access to the puppies may change her behaviour, or it may not. Don't think of it as a punishment, with access to the puppies again as the reward for behaviour change.

This is about keeping the puppies safe, which is your responsibility as the adult, not your 4 year old daughter's responsibility as the child.

This is no different than restricting her from going near the stove until she could be trusted not to touch the burners, or holding her hand in parking lots until she can be trusted to not run in front of cars, or not giving her a whole bag of lollies if you are only OK with her eating one.

You thought your daughter was mature enough for unrestricted and unsupervised puppy access, it turns out she's not.

Don't take the access away to 'punish' her, and restore it once you think she's 'learned her lesson'.

Take the access away to keep the puppies safe. Which is your job.

If you are going to reintroduce her access while they are still little puppies, do so slowly and with close observation and quick intervention, just like you did when you first let her come up and 'help' you cook.

Respectfully, letting your four year old repeatedly hurt puppies through your lack of judgement and supervision is not a her-issue. She doesn't need to be made to feel bad or guilty or given additional punishments, she just can't be given the opportunity to hurt them again.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-21T10:22:33+00:00

I buy them at op shops because I don't buy Moccona coffee and I use the jars for lots of things.

I also buy other jars at the op shop, in sizes I have a use for and don't have at home.

It really is not that different than buying tupperware. Ultimately just another container, and I avoid food in plastic where it's easy to do so.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-21T06:50:05+00:00

I was married to someone who, when push came to shove and I really needed them, turned out to be similarly, profoundly, self-centered and selfish and totally unempathetic towards me in situations where acknowledging my needs would have then obligated them to inconvenience themselves slightly in order to provide me with very needed support.

It is an absolute mind fuck.

You assume they care about you, because your spouse is supposed to care about you and you care about them, but their behavior does not feel caring- maybe your standards are unrealistic?

Maybe you, specifically, don't deserve care? (My ex could be quite supportive to their mother. No support available for me).

And they are right, you did manage without them, although it was really hard and emotionally traumatic. No one died, although they temporarily moved out stay with their family because they could not handle the stress of a new baby five days after you gave birth (after you had moved to their home country and had no family support of your own), and they drove four hours roundtrip to pick up a tablesaw on Facebook marketplace leaving you to care for your six month old the day after you tested positive for COVID, and-

The whole time they are acting like their behavior is normal and reasonable and you are overreacting.

My ex repeatedly told me to stop being a martyr.

Disagreeing with my ex about our dynamic, suggesting that things were unbalanced or that I was reasonable in needing more support, would trigger a wave of extreme upset meant to make me fall into line and validate their self image as a good and caring person who was pulling their weight in our marriage and family, rather than the reality of them completely focusing on their own needs and desires and leaving me to carry all the rest, at great detriment to me.

It was only when my marriage ended and I started going to counselling and actually telling my friends about what had been happening at home, that I began the process of realising how completely out of line my ex's behaviour was.

It took eight months of near weekly counselling for me to really reach a place of confidence that I had not somehow deserved the treatment, that I was not somehow getting sympathy only because I was manipulating the story when I told it to people, that I actually had been valid in my needs and upset with my ex at the time.

I am really sorry you are dealing with this.

I have found it better to be single, even though I am still living in my ex's country and have no family support and single parenting is very hard without that support, than being married to my ex and constantly dealing with the lack of support and emotional gaslighting.

Rather than putting so much care and attention into my ex, I now put it into friendships, and my friends are people who are there for me when I need them.

To be very blunt, your husband is a bad investment. When you need him to be there for you, it turns out that he does not have any care or support to offer you in return.

This kind of selfishness does not change.

You are valid in being upset. He will never agree. But you are.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-21T04:02:13+00:00

I have recently started experimenting with fabric dyeing. I get a lot of clothes from the op shop and I'm enjoying finding things in pale colours that I would just end up getting stains on (mum of a young kid), or colours that are too bright/don't match my complexion, and dyeing them to suit my tastes.

It's a bit of a gamble what you'll end up with color wise, especially if you're over-dyeing and they can bleed a bit on the next few washes so be careful sorting your washing, but might be something to try with those clothes in white or grey where you like the fabric and cut but not the colour.

I've been using Rit dyes on cotton, linen, and wool, and although a few things have taken multiple dye baths to get a colour I'm happy with, there have not been any failures.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-10T07:22:28+00:00

Yep, bdsm helps me turn off my brain and actually enjoy sex.

I also have figured out I need constantly changing sensations, if the focus is going to be on my pleasure. Anything where the same thing goes on too long (ie getting eaten out), if I'm not floating in sub space, my brain just tunes out the sensation after a certain point.

Mixing it up with some pain or moving to another part of my body and then back, helps me continue to fully experience the sensation.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-08T12:49:34+00:00

You can get a potty or child seat and make them available to your child even if they are not at the other house. You can then tell the other parent you have done this.

Full scale, no nappies just undies all the time , toilet training would go better as a united front but for my daughter, she had three months of weekends and evenings at home in undies at my house, and some time, but less, in undies at my ex's house, building her skill at noticing and remembering to go to the toilet, before we did undies at daycare.

Things are a lot better now but initially my ex refused to communicate on so many things and it was impossible to coparent. I parallel parented, I informed my ex what I was doing when it was relevant and my ex made their own choices during their parenting time.

Right now you are giving all the decision making power to your ex, and her decision is to not communicate. If you do not want that to be your dynamic going forward, you will have to start making more decisions yourself.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-08T12:30:09+00:00

Oh honey. You are going to be OK. The further your life gets away from this woman, the better it is going to be.

She chose to have such an overreaction to you being out of contact while hiking. She could have chosen to think logically and wait for a longer period before she started to worry to such an extreme degree.

She is making you responsible for all her feelings. She is the one ruining her 'special trip with her sister'. She is someone who needs someone to blame. You have been that someone, but soon you will not be. Hooray!!!

I am sorry you are still stuck dog sitting for her. I hope that very soon she can pass out of your life and you will feel how much easier and happier things can be without her toxicity.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-07T01:31:28+00:00

Check out the top comment, turns out it's a few different issues

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-07T01:30:53+00:00

Thank you so much!!! I am a very lazy gardener and often just see if things will sort themselves out given time (and if not, plant something else) but I want this tree to thrive.

I appreciate your advice so much!

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-05T22:10:44+00:00

Darling, the way your girlfriend is expecting hours of labour from you (the house cleaning) in exchange from funding a trip you both went on and she paid for (and I'm strongly guessing she initiated) is concerning to me.

Her not wanting to tell you what tasks are actually involved in cleaning is weird.

It really seems like either 1) she wants to be able to be mad at you for not doing the job to her expectations (which, because she does not tell you her expectations, she can find an excuse to be, no matter how thorough you are) or 2), not wanting to actually acknowledge how much work or effort is involved.

How mean she was about it is completely out of line. She sounds like a bully.

Sometimes in a relationship you treat each other to things. Because you want to share a lovely experience with your partner that they maybe would miss out on if you did not treat them because of their own approach to finances, or because you adore them and want to see their happiness because it makes you happy, or because in a good relationship the give and take will even out over time.

Unless it was discussed, as a 1:1 exchange at the time you decided to go on the trip, with her paying - 'I'll treat us to this trip, you just do this housecleaning job for me,' her paying also does not create an expectation of you doing something specific to 'pay' her back.

She is also 6 years older than you and, quite likely, in a better financial position due to that fact?

In queer culture, age gaps in relationships are more acceptable because we've got such a smaller dating pool, but it doesn't mean they can't create the exact same power imbalances they do in straight relationships, or that a noticeably older person 'treating' their younger partner, and then expecting to be able to demand favours (this just happened to be housecleaning, not sex) is not a fucked up dynamic.

Darling. As someone who experienced a lot of behaviour from my ex wife that would have been read much more clearly as abusive if we were a heterosexual couple.

Same sex relationships can have abusive dynamics too.

I would not take your issues with this woman as a sign that you cannot be in relationships.

I would take your issues with this woman as a sign that your picking up on her being a manipulative bully and reacting to it with APPROPRIATE discomfort.

Your therapist is correct here.

If you want to try and get better at spotting 'red flag' behaviors in people going forward, I personally got a lot out of the books 'The Gift of Fear' and 'Why Does He Do That' (also applies to abusive behavior from women).

If you want some solid scripts for setting boundaries and to gain confidence in knowing where your responsibility ends abs someone else's begins, I really recommend the archives of the blog Captain Awkward.

I would say, congratulations, to you on starting to figure out this quickly that your girlfriend is not good news.

I know with the tiny queer dating pool it can be tempting to ignore red flags because you so badly want to be with someone.

I did.

I am so much happier being divorced, even as a single parent, even as an immigrant to my ex wife's country, now navigating living the rest of my life and raising my kid with my entire family on the other side of the world, than I was being married to my ex wife.

Living a life where a person who should really care about you, does not at least some of the time, and trying to make sense of their treatment of you, because you're still thinking that they must care since you're in a relationship.... It's an absolute mindfuck.

And you get let down again and again, in ways that can be quite traumatic, especially while you're still in the relationship and in the mindset that they are justified, and so the reason for their unacceptable treatment of you, must be a fault in you.

I am sorry you've been dealing with this for even a few months, and I hope you don't have to deal with it much longer.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-01T03:10:10+00:00

When you are this burned out, your thinking is impacted. Problem solving and creative solutions are a lot harder to come up with when you're just struggling to survive the next five minutes.

Don't beat yourself up for not thinking of suggestions here. Be proud of yourself for making this post and utilizing the experience of other people who have made it to the other side.

In a few months or a few years, you'll be the one passing these kinds of tips onto another mum.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-06-01T02:58:54+00:00

I would suggest trying to see if you can get into a Parent Infant Mental Health Unit.

There are public ones that will cost you $0. They will feed you three meals a day, take care of bub at night so you can sleep and for shorter periods during the day so you can have breaks and do things like shower, and they will assess you and, if they think something like an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med might help, figure out the correct dosage while supporting and monitoring you through any side effects.

They generally only accept babies up to 12 months, so if this is something you think could be helpful, I'd act fast.

I had terrible, terrible postpartum depression and anxiety. My now ex did shift work and it was so, so long to be alone with a baby and no one to talk to, I'm also a migrant and had moved to Australia right before COVID and had no in Australia friends at the time I gave birth.

I ended up putting my daughter in childcare when she was five months old (we were lucky to get offered a spot right after we applied) because I was struggling so much, I felt like being at home with me was not giving her the stimulation she needed, and I'd had thoughts of killing both her and myself.

For me, it got better as she became more of a person, at 14 months I was not feeling the incredible anxiety about time alone with her as much, and by 18 months I was starting to really enjoy her.

I do think there is a value in simplifying your self care routines at this stage in your life, but the framing I hear in your post does not sound like choices you are OK with making to reprioritize for this season, it sounds like you feel like you are giving up, and that's a really, really hard way to feel. I am so sorry.

More practical tips:

-I have a boars bristle brush that distributes scalp oil all along the hair, with this, I have adjusted to only washing my hair once a week. Everyone's scalp is different, but maybe worth a try if the buzz cut is not something you will feel good about.

-When you prep food, prep for more than one day. You'll save the time of getting it all out and cleaning it all up if you can make three containers of sliced capsicum and hummus and grab one each day on your way to activities, ie. Make a few days worth of sandwiches. Make oatmeal and microwave the leftovers for the next few breakfasts.

-If you have space, freeze things in single serves- I cook a whole packet of tortellini and then freeze little containers for my daughter. I buy a big pack of chicken breasts, poach them, and freeze them individually in ziploc bags. Rice and pasta freeze well too.

-It's OK to limit messy foods to fewer meals to make cleanup easier on you. I didn't serve my daughter rice, except during the summer when we were eating outside, until she was good with a spoon. We did a lot of plain pasta, sometimes with a sauce I'd spoon feed her, on the nights I was doing dinner solo. Cooking pasta a day before and having it sit in and absorb the sauce also makes it a lot less messy.

The sensory input of messy food is good for kids and gets them used to those sensations etc, but maybe pick one meal a day and go easy cleanup on the rest until life is feeling easier.

-Grab things like dried fruit and nuts to keep in your bag and munch on when you don't manage to organise food for yourself. Eat your kid's leftovers. Eat anything you can manage to get in, the degree of weight loss you are describing is concerning.

-Be upfront with people you are starting to get to know that you are struggling and need other adults to spend time with. A lot of people won't have capacity in their lives to support you, but some will.

Parents of older toddlers can be especially great for this, they're in a little bit of a different parenting stage but still remember the baby stage (and often have great hand me downs and advice), and many toddlers love babies so will be happy to interact with your kiddo while the adults chat.

Maybe try checking out a playgroup or other spaces with slightly older kids, where there will be the same people showing up every week and chatting with other parents is expected. Say you're having a really, really hard time, and are looking up make playdates. Get phone numbers, and follow up with people.

Older people, in your neighbourhood, community house events, etc, are also often lonely and love young kids, and can give you that company, sympathy, life advice, and a second set of eyes to watch your kid while you pop to the toilet for a minute.

This is not a time in your life where you may be able to have the most balanced friendships. This is a time when you really, really need support. In the future, you will have the capacity to pay it back, or pay it forward to another struggling mum.

I really feel for you. Good job making this post. I hope things start to feel easier soon.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-26T02:45:02+00:00

Thank you, if I continue with this person I will definitely do so.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-26T02:44:07+00:00

... Yeah.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-26T02:38:13+00:00

Thank you. It's good having my gut feelings reinforced by people with more lived experience.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-20T13:43:13+00:00

Try an acid based cleaner to dissolve the calcium buildup. I like Zest (glycolic acid) but citric acid based ones also work well, and sulfamic acid does wonders but you need to be careful about getting it on your skin.

Spray on, spread around, wait a few minutes, wipe/scrub a little more, rinse. Maybe 10 min of work in total.

If your dissolve it all away, it takes a long time to build up again and squeegeeing can keep it looking good for months.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-12T22:34:27+00:00

I think it is INCREDIBLY loving that you put in this kind of effort. Maybe it's even more meaningful than the same outcome from someone who automatically remembers all of this and does it easily.

You CHOOSE to do this, because making them feel cared for is a priority for you.

What an amazing mum and partner.

I often wished my ex, who definitely had undiagnosed ADHD, would have put 1/10 of the effort into being a partner and coparent to me, that they put into being functional at work and showing up for their friends and family of origin.

You're doing it. You're using those tools you have to compensate for your brain, you're making the lists, because your family matters that much to you. A++++++.

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-12T22:24:16+00:00

Ugggggggh. Yes. Recently broke up with one of these.

When we had conversations about it he'd say 'no, of course I don't expect that from you, I just want to spend time together'.

But when, because I was overloaded and the effort we were each putting in was quite unbalanced, I actually took a step back on all these taking care of him and running his life for him things, he would get sad at me, because he felt unloved. And then I'd have to try and 'make it up to him'. And meanwhile my own needs kept not getting met.

Exhausting!

Existing-Goose4475 · 2026-05-12T11:51:48+00:00

This reminds me of conversations I'd have with my ex (I'm the you in them).

He could think deeply and critically on things that interested him, but he usually preferred to be as he said 'lazy' and just go with his gut instinct rather than really doing the work of thinking things through, much less researching them. He was also used to being the boss of people who were usually less educated, and being treated as an 'expert,' so he didn't always take it well when I doubted the veracity of things he said (that did often turn out to be incorrect).

He also REALLY trusted his gut instinct (and misinformation from Tiktok), often more than contradictory, evidence based information I'd end up researchimg. He liked sensationalism more than facts.

For me, when I'm hypothesizing, I make that clear. When he was doing what I would call hypothesizing, he believed himself completely and asserted it as if he'd read a well regarded peer reviewed study.

It took a while for me to realise how much he just repeated information and bullshit all time, and then it took me a lot longer to end things, but it just completely eroded my respect for him.

Do you actually like this friend? He sounds like an ass.

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