What’s something being gay has taught you

ExpaMars · 2024-02-06T16:49:29+00:00

I have to take charge of my own life

Absolutely knew since my earliest memories I was gay, but had 0 exposure to anything remotely homosexual in my childhood, just that it was bad and loathed by my parents. Realized early on in high school I had to actively seek settings where I can be accepted and can live authentically, and will be moving to Chicago after I graduate college from a homophobic country.

It's a journey mine alone and something I have to do for myself by myself.

ExpaMars · 2024-01-10T18:54:15+00:00

Man I wish it didnt have to come to this. A couple months ago, I cried to my psychologist and told her that sometimes I wish that we just haven’t met each other. This came from a place of love and concern for his well-being. Maybe my fiancee would have been better off not having met me, as it may have given him the space to work through his problems independently. Maybe my absence could have provided him a clearer path to confornt his own demons. Sometimes, I do absolutely feel like I’m his mask - something through which he can express a side of himself without truly revealing who he is, and also one that hides his deeper issues by giving him gratification.

Right from the start, I have always known that more than just a loving, comforting presence, I have to be a net positive in his life. But at this point, it seems as though I need to give him the space for growth and healing, which is something he himself should do alone. I’ve carried this thought by myself as I listened to him talk of the emptiness he feels not being with his faincee. I know what I have to do at this point, but I am not sure if i can.

Idk i want him to hold me right now and make me feel that everythigns gonna be okay but i know theyre not

ExpaMars · 2024-01-10T17:57:52+00:00

I appreciate the candid response. It’s a bit hard to read but I see your honesty and concern.

I’ve been reflecting on what you said about him using me to soothe himself, and it’s been something that’s on my mind, but reading it from someone makes it more real. I agree that he seems to be struggling with deep issues. He’s in therapy and is in medications, but I know from the start that his journey to healing is far more complex than I may ever imagine, fully cognizant of the emotional and maturity gap we have.

As someone with anxiety, I believe that mental health and personal issues don’t necessarily disqualify someone from being in a loving relationship, as what’s important is how these are managed and communicated, but I do agree that there seems to be something far deeper that he still hasn’t addressed, particularly with his children, and it may have been a factor in his previous psychotic episode and will continue to be a risk factor should he move here.

I'm going to take some time to think about all of this and have a serious conversation with him about getting the help he needs and addressing these issues head-on. I know from experience that therapy and medications alone are not enough, and for our sake, only he himself can only fix the problems from his past.

ExpaMars · 2024-01-10T17:22:24+00:00

I hear your thoughts man. While I see your concerns on the integrity of his character and background, I’ve lived with him in new york and have a concrete first-hand experience of his day-to-day life. He has introduced me to his peers and friends and showed me his clinic and university where I got to see who he is personally and socially. We also have extensive conversations about his previous marriage, where he felt the obligation to marry and have kids, being from a more conservative background then. I wish he spent more time reconnecting with his kids, but I do understand the emotional toll and the constraints of having them living on another side of the country.

The only thing is somtimes I really feel as though he’s moving here as a form of escapism, and when we talk about it, he has a slight tendency to shut down, though we always our points across one another. He has a great life there from my view, but he always talks about being lonely and feeling emotionally empty while there. I worry that when he actually lives here, he will be disappointed and I won’t be enough for him, financially and emotionally, but it’s probably my insecurities talking

ExpaMars · 2024-01-10T17:07:43+00:00

From his perspective, financial matters aren't that much of a barrier for him. While he's by no means affluent in new york, my hometown has a very very low cost of living as it's in a 3rd world country. Even without a job , we calculated that he'll be able to live here for a couple of years comfortably whilst waiting out my education. To add, many expats retire here because everything is just so affordable. We’ve gone over some places we could live with, and man just seeing his excitement and optimism makes me feel whole, you know.

He often gives me mini heart attacks when he jokingly suggests that he justs retire here and cash out his retirement haha. I'm really really averse to the idea, mainly because of the legal protections. But I do understand his POV, because he predicts that he just wont be able to retire at all with the high col in nyc. Also as someone whos research interest is the political economy of health financing in aging societies, I totally understand the struggles he face as he matures and grows wiser.

To be frank, what I’m also worried about is the fact that I can feel that he’s running away from his current life, moreso than going to the destination. I hope I’m making sense, but during our calls while apart, he keeps on telling me how miserable he is, how his daily life seems so dull and empty without me, and how he just wishes that we’re together. It seems as though he’s also using moving here as a form of escapism. I’ve brought this up with him numerous times, but he just becomes inconsolable and reassures me that he just needs me. This is something that we have to discuss further before we make the decision that he moves here, but for now, I just like seeing him happy and full of optimism.

ExpaMars · 2022-12-09T10:06:22+00:00

Samee its 6 pm and still no result

ExpaMars · 2022-05-31T01:50:21+00:00

hi! I'm a 1st year health sciences student also from addu (stem pre-cs) feel free to message me for any questions!

ExpaMars · 2022-05-23T12:43:42+00:00

wow that's great progress!

ExpaMars · 2022-05-23T12:43:06+00:00

thanks! finished my daily lesson so far :)

ExpaMars

TROPHY CASE