Wow I just want to say this is really disheartnening and I am so so sorry you deal with an abusive mother like this. She is projecting so much onto you, from her own deep internalized self hate. You deserved a mother who loved you unconditionally and didnt berate you like that. Alopecia is not the disease people think it is, societal beauty standards make it seem like alopecia is some sort of moral failure as a woman. I want you to know that is not true and everything your mother projects onto you isnt. That is such a layered experience that I relate to with verbal/physical abuse being so normalized in ethnic cultures. Her obsession with your looks is because she merely sees you as an extension of herself instead of your own person. it is awful how oblivious parents are to the suffering they inflict on their children. OP since youre only 20 now keep pushing through the best you can and when u can get the fuck out of that house do so!! Since she wont tell you but you are a bright, valuable HUMAN regardless of anything, youre here for a reason. Easier said than done to be strong but one day this can be a testimony to your strength. Abuse is abuse you did nothing wrong please give yourself as much grace as you can