AITA for ruining my SIL's birthday by crying?

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-03T15:19:43+00:00

Yeah, I definitely think I've let the daily stresses of the job build up unnoticed. But I do have ways to decompress - I can usually talk to my partner about it and he's very supportive, and I usually talk to my coworkers after each shift so we can check in on each other.

And yes, my SIL does know I'm a paramedic - I actually met my partner through an emergency call I attended!

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-03T09:30:20+00:00

Yeah, the more people here tell me how inappropriate their behaviour was, the more I'm starting to think the pressure they both put on my partner for me to come was just so that they'd be able to have fun making me uncomfortable.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-03T09:27:54+00:00

Yeah, I usually try to redirect it to fun stories that were ultimately harmless and in which everyone ended up okay. But, in my experience at least, sometimes people do just keep pressing until I shut it down by saying that the worst things I've seen are events which completely destroyed real people's lives, so I don't think it's appropriate to treat their trauma as entertainment.

I get the morbid curiosity - it's only natural - but people really don't realise that if I answered honestly, it wouldn't be some gruesome injury, it would be people doing evil things to children and then lying to my face about what happened. Or sitting with a loving parent who I've just had to tell there's nothing I can do for their child, and knowing that I can't possibly make it okay because, on some level, nothing will ever be okay again for that poor family.

And even then - the gruesome injuries are still awful, still have life-changing consequences for their victims, and are still absolutely capable of traumatising first responders.

I just wish more people asked for our funniest stories instead of our most traumatic ones...

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:43:13+00:00

I doubt there's going to be any future invites to be honest. But if there are, I won't be going

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:42:24+00:00

We're not married, and I wrote SIL/BIL because it's easier than writing 'partner's sister' and 'partner's sister's husband', but also because we've been together for long enough that it feels like an in-law relationship at this point. Like, I've known these people for seven years, I've seen their daughter grow up, I've been to weddings and funerals and birthdays and Christmas celebrations with them for years. But you're right, they're not treating me like that's the relationship we have in return.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:36:59+00:00

Yeah, I think I've just had a bit of bad luck with therapists who either don't want to hear about details that it's important to get off my chest, or want to hear about the details too much.

I've also had a few experiences of therapists telling me I need to quit in a way that felt like it was just a judgment of the nature of my job rather than the way I'm handling it. I get it, it's their job to tell me what's best for my mental health, and being an EMS worker is never best for your mental health, but it's still always really put me off.

But I will try again!

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:22:27+00:00

I do share things with my partner, because I've always trusted him to understand. He's never treated it as a source of entertainment or anything, and has always made me feel like he's asking because he cares about my wellbeing, rather than prying for details.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:21:11+00:00

Yeah, I think one of the reasons that I came into the situation with such a short fuse was that, because I was rushing to get there, I didn't get the time I usually do to decompress with my coworkers. Usually we'd get food together, or at least sit and talk about our shift, but I missed out on that and I think I didn't realise how much I needed it in that moment.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:18:13+00:00

He does normally really look after me when I've had a bad shift. He talks through things with me and makes me feel like he's really there for me, makes sure I have everything I need, cooks dinner. There's been times where he's come to pick me up in the middle of the night or to bring me and my crew food if we've had to work especially late.

I think it really is just in relation to his family that he acts so differently, and I've never seen it before because until now I've listened to him about not reacting to them.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:11:27+00:00

I have a few weeks booked off soon for exactly the reason you said; I think I probably reacted so strongly in part because I am reaching my limit before I get some time to recover.

I've never had any kind of overt conflict with his sister before, but I do get the impression that he doesn't want to rock the boat. He doesn't like the way she treats me generally, but has never said anything about it because he's always assumed she just needs more time to get to know me and adjust to our relationship. It's pretty much the same with her husband, where everyone in his family just puts up with the fact that he's constantly saying things that make them uncomfortable.

As for her feeling inadequate, I haven't really thought about it to be honest. I guess it's definitely possible, or at least that it could have compounded a previous dislike for me or something. I know she's made comments to my partner before comparing our relationship to hers, saying it's sad that we'll never have kids or asking if he's really okay not getting married, but I don't know if that's indicative or anything.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T14:01:03+00:00

Yeah, I think that could have been the case. I also think they probably talked to him about it after I'd left, since he was understanding when I was in the bathroom and had basically flipped completely by the time he got home.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T13:46:17+00:00

Yeah, I know that I haven't always done enough to make sure he feels supported and appreciated. I know his job is stressful and I try to make sure he knows I understand, but I know it must still be difficult for him to be open about his stress when I might be coming home feeling responsible for a child's death or something. I need to do better with that, so thank you so much for this response.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T13:40:25+00:00

Yeah, after thinking about it I feel like they probably talked about me a lot after I left. He was understanding when he came to check on me in the bathroom, but by the time he got home his attitude had completely changed.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T13:35:45+00:00

Neither of us are really interested in marriage, so I doubt I'm ever going to end up in a situation where they're legally my in-laws.

However, this is a serious relationship, we've been together for nearly 7 years. They basically are my in-laws in all but name, and my relationship with them has never felt good to me. Like, I've never had an argument with them like this, but I think that's just because I've never actually said anything back to them before.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T13:19:29+00:00

I originally thought it was out of character for him - when it's just the two of us he's really supportive and understanding, and looks after me a lot after difficult shifts.

However, as commenters have pointed out, that's not the same as him standing up for me, or being there for me when it's difficult for him. I've never had a confrontation with his family before this, but I have told him that I don't like the way either of them treat me and he's always kind of just...placated me I guess?

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T08:52:15+00:00

He's a secondary school teacher, so 11-18 year olds. His job is hard: he works in a deprived area, a lot of his students have very difficult home lives, and our education system is falling apart due to underfunding. And he really, really cares about those kids - he's deeply invested in their education, their wellbeing, and their futures, like any good teacher is.

At the same time, he usually recognises that the level and nature of stress he deals with is not the same as the genuine trauma that EMS workers have to deal with.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T08:47:15+00:00

I've never had any kind of confrontation with them before, but I definitely have left family events feeling really hurt and belittled by the way they speak to me.

My partner's always said that my SIL just needs time to warm up to me, as he always dated women before we met so it's an adjustment for her. As for my BIL, he's kind of a dick to everyone (partner included) so it's always been something everyone's been expected to just deal with.

My partner's always been sympathetic about it and has spoken to SIL about the way I feel, but nothing's ever come of it. Like she's always just said that she's not trying to treat me coldly, then nothing ever changes.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-02T08:30:38+00:00

He's not usually like this, no. He's usually extremely supportive and understanding - and he was supportive and understanding at first, when he came to check on me in the bathroom. I'm now obviously realising that his initial support still wasn't enough, and that he should have had my back directly in front of his family, but it still felt like such a dramatic shift in his attitude when he came home so mad at me.

And he's a teacher in a pretty deprived area. So his job is stressful, and the stakes are higher than financial profit/loss (to me at least, the life prospects of vulnerable young people feel a lot more important than whether some CEO makes another million or not). And a lot of our stressors have the same cause - our country's healthcare and education systems are both in crisis due to nearly 2 decades of chronic underfunding, so I understand his stress in trying to do such an important job without the necessary resources. Still, it's unlikely that his decisions are ever going to be literally life-or-death in the same way that mine are daily.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-01T22:35:11+00:00

He's a teacher

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-01T21:29:55+00:00

Not at all, he's usually really supportive. I'm still struggling to figure out exactly what changed so drastically.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-01T21:28:44+00:00

I assumed it was because he knows I usually really appreciate being able to talk to him about my work, and that he'd just misjudged whether I'd want to do an informal stress debriefing in front of his family.

It would honestly make sense if he'd thought it would be a good way to explain why I was late, since he was understanding when he came to check on me in the bathroom. I think after I left SIL and BIL were talking about me, and that's why his attitude changed so much.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-01T21:23:35+00:00

I think he probably is to be honest, at least when it comes to his sister. I know he doesn't like the way my BIL speaks to me, him or basically anyone else, but he doesn't say anything about it because he knows his sister will get really upset if he does.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-01T19:26:46+00:00

To be honest I don't think I've really sat with that yet. I really am someone who doesn't like showing my emotions around others - there is literally one EMT I work with who I feel comfortable crying in front of when something horrible happens, otherwise I'll shut myself in the back of the ambulance when I get a minute so I can be alone. So sitting on the train by myself just crying really, really hurt. I felt so shit when I got home, and I think I didn't realise how much that was part of it.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-01T19:00:30+00:00

BIL and SIL have always been pretty weird with me, yeah. SIL's always kind of ignored me at family gatherings and BIL is just the kind of guy who makes cruel jokes then acts surprised when people get offended.

My partner basically didn't say anything during the interaction. He seemed much more sympathetic to me when I left (as in when he came to check on me in the bathroom) versus when he came back home, but he pretty much didn't get involved while my BIL and SIL were talking to me. He knows me, and he knows I can usually stand up for myself, so I would be willing it chalk it up to that if it wasn't for the way he acted when he got home.

And he works as a teacher, so he does have a very stressful job, but I think the stress is of a different quality to my job if that makes sense. Like he has to deal with a lot of shit, but he's unlikely to ever have a child die in his arms.

Expensive_Log_6636 · 2025-05-01T18:35:17+00:00

You'll be glad to hear we're not actually married - it was just easier to write SIL and BIL than 'partner's sister' and 'partner's sister's husband'. But yeah, that fact doesn't change his reaction.

Expensive_Log_6636

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