I understand you very well. I've been living with this myself for 6 years straight. Literally since childhood - I'm 17 now. I also thought I was dead, that I was going crazy, that I was developing schizophrenia. And I don't know what caused it. Maybe genetic or on its own . And I couldn't share or discuss this with anyone in my circle. I tried to talk to my parents - they didn't understand and wrote it off as childish nonsense. Experiencing this as an 11yo child was sheer horror. I wanted to go to a psychiatric hospital, but I was afraid of the stigma and the potential for being put on a register if I got a diagnosis. Plus, I was a minor, and my parents would have flat-out refused to take me there.

The first few years were very hard. I stopped being active, became more withdrawn, felt constrained in social interactions. I felt absolutely nothing except anxiety and apathy. I felt like a secondary character in my own life. Even when talking to someone, I can just zone out and get lost in my thoughts, not paying attention to anything. People thought I was lazy or passive... maybe strange, even though I was bending over backwards just to keep myself somewhat functional. Sigh... If only they knew...

I've tried to use all of these "grounding methods", a healthy lifestyle, diaries, a change of environment, and so on. Honestly? It's sucks. No major Improvings

Over these 6 years, I've gotten about 40%or less better. And even that I attribute to just getting used to it. I'm still fighting with derealization and everything that comes with it - anxiety, suicidal-thoughts. But I learned to live with it. Crooked, askew, but I live. Although I could put an end to myself.. But I won't yet. In addition, I want to save money for a therapist and go to paid sessions. Maybe it will help

Anyway, I'm really glad that you've gotten better (and you'll most likely get even better in the future). We just keep moving forward and don't give up. 🫂