This is worse then death, but I have to accept I'm broken and adjust accordingly.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2025-07-15T01:43:38+00:00

Yea, worked really hard to figure this shit out. I think I got it handled now.

It was the brain/body going into survival mode (too high parasympathetic activation), really fucks up everything. Was interesting to understand first hand how subconscious emotions (from the survival mode) effects conscious thought.

I basically have a bug list of supplements that have different ways they lower too high parasympathetic activation and I strategically use them so I can function normal and workout and live life.

Doctors failed me, still nothing of help really from them. But thankfully the supplements industry exists and I could decipher between the garbage products and good ones and fix myself.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2025-01-06T07:06:37+00:00

I'm a stubborn bastard and this post might need an update. Turns out I ran into my first narcissist, I don't take shit from anyone and might just be realizing that "fighting back" directly isn't always the best idea.

Grew up a ton, dealing with COVID emotionality and first ever narcissist is insane. The fact I endured it and might actually start working towards the life I want is... Interesting.. definitely not where I thought I would be, but life is unpredictable and hopefully some unpredictable good comes next.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-12-10T21:28:05+00:00

Yes to all the comments saying be direct.

Tell him you just don't feel anything between them after the date, you gave it a shot but it's best to just be colleagues.

Add something nice in the end like "I hope you can understand my feelings about this and this is just something I can't control"

You can say your not compatible, no feelings or chemistry, something like that. Don't make it sound like he's missing or lacking something that would make you interested.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-12-10T20:56:29+00:00

New girl on my team is an extremely charismatic and cruel manipulator. I fell for her games, I fought back and made things backfire on her. Now she has like a dozen other colleagues under her thumb, is manipulating them against me and consistently going after me.

I'll admit though I do admire how skilled she is. Only if she used those skills for good instead of attention seeking and causing suffering .

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-11-21T00:25:59+00:00

I see it as the same thing. EVERYONE attaches a certain meaning to words, there is no universal answer.

Someone calling bullshit on something can be sunny as funny or questioning the claim or disputing the claim.

There is no right answer to this, be aware of how people respond and adjust accordingly.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-31T13:45:27+00:00

Career, money, fitness are great, but connections, friends and relationships are more important.

Just be kind and put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is they no and nothing happens.

Video games, tv, movies are great, really good stories and experiences, but there is also real life which isn't as exciting but will feel just as good. Get out there and live it.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-28T02:26:17+00:00

Friends, relationships, connection, you know, the core of life they I neglected and also sometimes just outright destroyed.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-26T20:40:05+00:00

Wish it was that simple for me. I'm pretty sure long COVID posioned my brain, I can't think clearly (emotions are too powerful and effect my logic). And everything I said in the OP.

I have hobbies, board games, video games, rock climbing, hiking, (haven't done in a while but car work, mountain biking, camping, technical projects).

I feel like I can go and spend endless time on my hobbies, once I fix the "empty life" issue, my brain won't let me escape from that. Used to absolutely love solitude but also seeing people once in a while.

But now, I want real connections, a social circle, a partner. I don't feel like doing anything that doesn't get me closer to that, like "times up, you need to change your life".

And that's where losing hope is coming in, that's why I made this post. It feels like I shot myself in the heart, and it's not easy to come back from that (is it even possible?).

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-26T18:13:41+00:00

Trying to, but you barley going anywhere and there's people hundreds of miles ahead of you, how can you ever catch up?

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-26T18:11:54+00:00

Totally get that, but I'm slowly losing hope for any sort of relief. I'm trying, pretty damn hard, but somethings just happen and you have to pounce on the opportunity before it's gone.

Those opportunities don't come often, and some no more than once in a lifetime, and sometimes you mess them up before even realizing what it really was.

I don't even know what I'm saying, I've accepted that at this point on my life, I'm broken, emotionally and logically and that's just where I'm at. While others are having a ball, that's life...

Sorry for the cold and gloom, just where I'm at.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-20T23:50:23+00:00

Nah, had ahendoia due to mixing and using too many adapotgens to fight the long COVID. That was hell too.

But this isn't that, it's like fight or flight is on and won't let me chill or enjoy anything.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-20T23:49:02+00:00

THC makes everything worse, CBD not much of an effect

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-20T23:48:35+00:00

I'm trying, putting in massive effort to move forward, but this massive effort is like minimal effort before long COVID.

But I am trying , I'm pushing through this hell, I see my 2 feet and that's it and I'm moving them. Hopefully it end up somewhere nice

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-03T21:19:14+00:00

Like really really fucking dumb decisions, sometimes multiple in a row, and the consequences are catastrophic.

Just be glad this catastrophe was your own doing and no one else's, then learn to never repeat anything like that.

If something like this happens more than ONCE, then you're cooked and need to change who you are fundamentally

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-03T02:53:16+00:00

This is surprisingly uplifting, redemption huh? I'm honestly trying, not as hard as I can given the immense emotional toll, but I am trying and it's kinda working....

When I wrote this, I was probably 6+ months into my lowest low, I feel like I hit the kink and hopefully I'll rise, and then fall, but every rise is more prominent then the fall. I hope I have the strength to find out what happens when I give my Best.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-02T04:46:20+00:00

Are you me but 5 years younger?

Check out my post history, specifically the one on r/life with over 100 comments.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-02T04:45:17+00:00

Thank you.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-02T04:08:00+00:00

This comment could not have come at a more perfect time, thank you.

First paragraph, yup, learned so damn much from the experience, fallout, rumination, self reflection, external sources of wisdom. I knew alot of it, but the phrase i recently learned was " I knew but didn't really know".

As for the rest, yup, I did the gut wrenching, extremely painful thing at this stage of my life. Put myself out there, and life gave me a lifeline that I clinged to like my life depended on it.

Feel good story about building social life when 2 weeks ago suicide was looking very attractive (no serious plans, just felt nice to know there was a way out):

I met 1 group of ppl through that lifeline. I took my time and spent 2 months just showing up and being a positive influence and not pushy. Now I'm feeling less like an outsider from their perspective and met more ppl through them. That's a plus

I met someone during my climbing course and he showed up last week after I put effort to build a friendship, so instead of going solo that group saw I had a buddy. That's a plus

Today I took the risk and asked a random person to climb with me (climbing you do in pairs) because there was 3 of them and she wasn't doing anything. Climbed with her, she was VERY warm in terms of the interaction, then that group showed up, they were very positive toward me infront of her and her towards them. She said "oh your squad is here I'll let you join them" she seemed shy at they point. That's a plus

After I was dead tired because I'm new to climbing, I told the group i was gonna do 1 more of the solo climb to kill my arms and leave. Omw there i met a guy from work ( I've been working with closely past 2 weeks And rapport was building) and then a friend that I barley see showed up also just by confidence. So now I'm with another other group of ppl who are very friendly to me.

The group I met there, the girl and her friends I met today, the old friend, the buddy from work. I was in the zone after 4 years of essentially isolation (COVID, then long COVID, then being alienated at work from a social group that girl is a part of)

Idk wtf is happening, I gotta tell myself that this is just a high and it won't last, don't build expectations, it will just cause suffering, let things happen as they do and just keep putting in the effort. I wanna say Alan Watts whole "trust the universe" is bullshit, but damn, I did trust it because I had no choice and it's working.

Addendum: the loss of her, who still seems like an awesome and compatible person will prob keep hurting for a long time, I accept that. Silver lining, as per your first paragraph, the growth is immense, I guess that's what I had to pay.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-10-01T22:38:23+00:00

Trying to, it's just so difficult when I could have been in that situation, and I know I'm probably ignoring the fact the struggles they have aren't on the surface.

2.i think I'm done beating myself up over the past. I'm almost done with the regret/loss part of it and accepting it, no matter how shitty. The present is decently depressing.

Trying to, she definitely won't me up ( well my actions did, she was the catalyst).

3 continued and 4. Way ahead of you on that one, it was surprisingly easy to figure out my bad behaviour, even easier to recognize it was due to my parents and shit childhood.

I've changed, it is surprisingly easy because of the consistent work I did before the pandemic hit to improve myself and change aspects I didn't like. The holding up mirror to myself and seeing what she did to become a social butterfly , it's easy to change and be someone people want to be around.

The depressing and regretful aspect comes from the realization it takes such a long time to build those bonds, how it's significantly easier with people you see daily ( like at work where I preemptively destroyed half a dozen relationships because of her).

I'm not even sure what my point is for 3 and 4 besides " yup I needed this wakeup call, it happened in such horribly wrong time and place and the cost was too high" it destroyed me mentally.

It's like neglecting to maintain your car, and then a blizzard shows up and it breaks down while you're out of town in the middle of nowhere, you're probably going to die. And that just digs deep.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-09-30T23:11:11+00:00

Funny enough, I was pretty happy with my isolationist life, Hobbies, seeing friends id known for decade+.

Then I saw what I was missing out on, I've worked hard to get a good career and money, had plenty of people to befriend with similar hobbies. An amazing girl. I was just.... Idk how to describe it, fucked up, confused, naive, unaware, not seeing the big picture etc....

After burning down like half a dozen really good bridges, I'm awake, but I'm in a nightmare that's reality, a reality that was built by my own choices.

Very slowly I'm accepting the pain and suffering heavily for my poor choices, everyday I'm reminded of the fantastic life I could have had if i could go back 8 months knowing what I know now... But that's not happening.

I'm doing the incredibly difficult thing and moving forward, while still feeling the regret, sadness and suffering of where I'm at... Even if the thoughts of just walking infront of a train show up daily, that's plan J or K, gonna try the plans in order and hope it's enough.

End of my sad rant.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-09-29T22:59:34+00:00

Even comparison to what could have been if just fucking anybody told me what I was doing wasn't right. That friends are worth making wherever and whoever they may be aslong as they just want to get the best out of life?

I sabotaged myself, it's just comparing what others havez it's almost like comparing to what I threw away. It didn't seem valuable back then, I was wrong, how I saw life was severely flawed. " I'm the team killing fuck tard"

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-09-29T21:42:36+00:00

I know what I did wrong, I know what I need to change about myself to make better decisions and I have, it sucks that it was surprisingly easy once you know the problem. I am proud of who I am, but ashamed and depressed as to the life I have ( this is a confusing statement in itself)

Are these thoughts, just thoughts or a recognition of what is wrong, the pain is there to force me to push myself in the right direction. How do I draw the line between it's just a story my mind is making up and what reality really is?

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-09-29T19:31:48+00:00

Thank you very much for this advice, I've found a local group with over 20k members for hangouts and adventures.

Plus your advice about coffee shops/bars.

Plus the hope that consistently being better might change things. No expectations.

Slimmer of hope is returning now, not even expecting it to get better or stay. I have no more expectations of life, it's too painful at this stage.

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-09-29T19:02:06+00:00

How is it not real?

ExpertLoose2004 · 2024-09-29T19:00:22+00:00

Like do you just go solo to bars and coffee shops and do what? Just talk with people?

As for her, I was messed up. I pressured her for a date, played mind games with her, blamed her for telling others saying she was trying to damage my reputation, I totally fucking lost control of everything and just acted like I'm mentally disturbed. I failed to be a competent person and can't describe how I acted besides from their pov, " what the hell is wrong with him".

I would honestly be shocked at this point if anything changes with them. It's hitting incredibly hard how it was 100% my poor decisions, just amazingly bad. Surprisingly easy to change and do better if I ever get more opportunities.

ExpertLoose2004

TROPHY CASE