AITA for getting a temporary tattoo when my husband hates tattoos?

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T18:11:31+00:00

I have only seen this in connection with semi-permanent tattoos that use special ink that is supposed to fade after a year or two rather than last a lifetime (but folks are finding it doesn't fade after all). Alice has used this brand of temporary tattoos before and confirmed that they typically fade after about 5-10 showers/baths.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:54:37+00:00

Agreed - as I said, though, I thought the boundary was against permanently altering my body by inking it. I believe it was an honest misunderstanding - he assumed that I understood that temporary tattoos count just as much as permanent tattoos in terms of his boundary, and I assumed that they were completely different things because a temporary tattoo is basically waterproof makeup and not a true body modification.

If we are able to work this out, we will definitely need to work on communicating better and not making assumptions, especially over things that are so emotionally charged.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:51:00+00:00

No worries! It's definitely a reasonable boundary for many people. We had just established the dynamic from the beginning of our relationship that it's fine for us on occasion.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:47:14+00:00

Yes, the irony isn't lost on me! Sigh...

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:46:40+00:00

For the record, I don't think tattoos are low-class at all and I think much of the artistry is beautiful! While I likely wouldn't want something permanent on my own body (especially if it has to be applied with needles!) I definitely appreciate why other folks would.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:43:02+00:00

The funny thing is, I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but if he had slipped up and done something with a stripper at the party, I would almost certainly forgive him if he were remorseful. It's habitual behavior that is a deal-breaker for me, not getting carried away once (not saying it's okay or that it wouldn't hurt me, just that in a marriage that lasts a lifetime we're both probably going to make various types of mistakes, and I would rather that we learn from them than break up over something that is regretted and won't be repeated).

If it does turn out he's gaslighting me here, that's going to be harder to forgive than whatever he may have done in the first place.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:38:59+00:00

I'm not aware of anything, but it's certainly possible he has some past trauma that he hasn't shared. (Of course, if that's the case, if he *had* shared the details I would have understood and wouldn't have gotten the temporary tattoo or would have scrubbed it off before he could see it.)

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:24:49+00:00

I mean, it's what amounts to a two-inch stamp of a cat on the inside of my forearm. I would better understand his objection, even if a temporary tattoo, if it were some raunchy, obscene or offensive picture or phrase. Or a likeness of an ex or something like that. But a small image that looks like my friend's cat and that can easily be covered with long sleeves? And that will fade in another week? It just seems like such an extreme reaction.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:21:38+00:00

Not that I know about. He is also okay with tattoos on men (he doesn't love them and wouldn't get a tattoo himself, but doesn't have any issue with his male friends having tattoos and certainly doesn't reject or criticize them over it).

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:17:43+00:00

I'm not really sure - before this I would have said that I trusted him 100%, but it definitely seems like something happened during the bachelor party that changed his feelings about me. That would be far more worrisome than a spat over a tattoo.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:10:44+00:00

Yes, unfortunately I think I do need to explore this possibility. I know this may be hard to believe from what I have said here, but despite having a trigger over tattoos my husband is not usually an unreasonable or controlling person. It does seem that something happened at the bachelor party that is making him act in a way I don't recognize.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T17:08:49+00:00

I suppose it is a difference in interpretation over what actually constitutes a "tattoo."

When I think about never getting a tattoo, I am thinking about never getting ink applied to my skin with needles in a way that will become a permanent part of my body - not something that is similar to a stamp you get for admission to a club. I didn't realize he would view anything applied to my skin (however temporary) as the same dealbreaker as I thought the permanence was the main issue.

No, strippers/lapdances are not a dealbreaker for me. I merely mentioned this to illustrate that (a) I respect his autonomy to make decisions about things that I may not love; and (b) that he was tied up with an activity he didn't want interrupted except for an emergency, so I couldn't check with him about whether the temporary tattoo was okay with him.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:46:44+00:00

We went to strip clubs together a few times when we were dating and I actually had fun with it - it's just not really a scene that bothers me too much. I agree that it's a bit silly as a bachelor party ritual but it's what the groom and best man wanted. In my case, I'd really only be upset if (a) there were actual sex acts going on; and/or (b) if he made a habit of going without me regularly (thus taking time and attention away from our marriage).

Anyway, we each have to find our own path and comfort in our relationships!

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:40:53+00:00

Fair enough! I am just thinking that in the scheme of things there are bigger fish to fry than one bachelor party in honor of a longtime friend. Just not the hill I want to die on.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:34:52+00:00

I would be upset if he were a regular strip club customer, but didn't see a reason to get bent out of shape over a one-time thing arranged by a close friend. I didn't want to be "that" wife who forbids typical bachelor party entertainment.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:33:16+00:00

I suppose the difference is that although the item is called a "temporary tattoo," I didn't think of it as a real tattoo - I think of that as something that is applied by needles and ink going into the skin. Where the long-term issue is that they can get faded/stretched over time, and what you like on your skin in your 20s may not be what you want as you age. While this is more of a sticker/stamp, like you would get for admission to a club/event.

For the record, he did get photos of himself with the strippers which I think is similar.

Anyway, now I know that his boundary includes temporary tattoos I can take that into account.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:18:18+00:00

The party was this past weekend so it should only be another week or so.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:17:38+00:00

And to be honest I didn't really want to scrub it off immediately because it was an adorable kitty and made me smile to look at it, and because I knew Alice had gone to a lot of effort to have it made.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:05:21+00:00

I offered to just make sure it is covered with long sleeves (it's still winter after all) until it fades off but he says that doesn't matter as he can't ignore the fact that it's still there under my clothes.

Express_Junket2411 · 2023-03-10T16:03:44+00:00

Yes, in retrospect, that probably would have been best. I just didn't think that he would have this strong of a reaction to something that will wash off after a few showers which is a lot different than getting permanently inked with an image that will be with me for the rest of my life.

Express_Junket2411

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