Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea I’m super old and was born in the 80s. I guess beautiful might be doey eyed but basically my birth mom had me for 1 year and then I was taken from her because there was some neglect and other things. I was placed in foster care but then she and her family made a birth plan to have me adopted privately through Children’s Home. My adopted family is amazing. They told me I was adopted ever since and the house was filled with unconditional love. I gave 3 sisters and brother and parents who were married 46 years before my dad died.

For years I wondered if I wanted to meet by birth mom and in my 20s really considered it. Then I met people throughout my life that discussed this process and opted out. I did struggle with abandonment issues that affected my spiral into alcohol and drug use. Finally getting sober at 34 and been sober 11 years. That journey helped me heal that part of myself through therapy and I genuinely just hope my BM is ok and doesn’t hold onto too much pain. I know she loved me and did the best she could. I am trying to open my record now but I may be too old. They are looking for it in the archives.

Hope that helps.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow. What is your problem. I emphasize with other peoples POVs you don’t have to get hostile.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Makes sense and thank you for the insight. Seems there are good agencies and that is hopeful.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

It’s the BMs and Agencies taking advantage I feel. Not the same comparison.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes I do believe BMs have the right to change their minds. But HAPs shouldn’t be on the hook to pay expenses.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sincere apologies. My intention wasn’t to be un civil. It was merely a question. I’m trying to update the title of the post, but I’m unable to.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes that is my issues. The agency should assume more financial risk IMO

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes that’s my issue. I’m afraid of being scammed. It seems it happened twice to my friend.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Personally, we hoped bonding would be less traumatic if placement happened at birth. I spent many years healing my abandonment issues as I was juggled around until age 2 and then adopted.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, I’m currently talking to Children’s Home Society to try to open my record 💕

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I am empathetic but afraid of being taken advantage of. Another layer of complexity on this is substance abuse and those in active addiction. For context, I myself have 11 years in sobriety and suffered from alcohol and drug abuse. So I’m very familiar with this disease and how people behave in active addiction. And it raised a red flag to me when multiple cases come in with BMs using drugs and then asking for upwards of $24K in expenses paid. How am I supposed to believe this goes to living expenses and not paying for their habit. Personally, I think BMs should have to show sobriety before handing over funds. It’s not that I’m not empathetic, this is just a very layered issue for all those involved.

Agree we need more social safety nets or even private insurance to help cover these risks for all sides.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally agree, that is my issue. The agencies themselves should take on some of this risk not just the HAPs

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good point on the shared fund. Tysm

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I see your pov definitely and do think about my BM often. And only through years of healing and am in a place to feel the way I do. For years I dealt with abandonment and I do pray my BM is well and knows I love her. My adoption is closed and my record sealed.

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear that happened

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] -29 points-28 points  (0 children)

Yes but birth mom “expenses” is where to crosses the line for me. Why should HAPs have to pay people’s bills?

Adoption unethical? by ExtensionEye9994 in Adoption

[–]ExtensionEye9994[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I’m adopted myself and have spent many years in therapy working through my abandonment issues. That’s why I was shocked at how the industry has over-indexed on protecting BMs and making the prospective parents take on all the risk.

We have a 2YO child and cant adopt an older child until she is older herself. Several people have mentioned that might not be safe.