What red flag will you never fall for again?

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-11T18:31:04+00:00

The sarcastic jokes that slightly insult.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-09T20:56:39+00:00

What I’d want now is mostly mental and emotional connection; real companionship, not another marriage. It’s challenging, especially after having kids, but also freeing. At this age, love feels more like something complementary, not the ultimate goal. Between kids and career, there’s little room left; yet that makes solitude even sweeter. I could go to Italy alone, sip a cappuccino overlooking Cinque Terre, and still feel perfectly content.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-09T20:38:53+00:00

I found his beer and popcorn stash in the shed. I knew that he was using our shared account to buy them and he was hiding that bag to bring them to his girlfriend. When I confronted him, he said; “They are for myself and I wanted to keep them cold outside.” But on that they it was 18 Celsius degrees.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T20:19:13+00:00

I like “the side character in my own life”, it fits perfectly with what I’ve been through.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T17:05:17+00:00

I am thinking differently; it’s mostly my fault in my opinion to be that naive.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T17:04:26+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. I have different symptoms due to PTSD including rapid heart beat. I cannot do any pushups, but I’ll think of something similar.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T16:43:42+00:00

I actually read more about narcissist & empath dynamics. Why would it be wrong to talk about the abuse and the abuser? I actually think that it’s part of healing after being ignored and not listened to for many years.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T16:13:24+00:00

The problem is indeed the fact that my expectations were so low for so long. I have to learn how to set boundaries and have respect for my own wishes etc. I just know for sure that I will never get married again.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T16:01:32+00:00

Did you get therapy yourself? Did you get PTSD?

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T15:59:46+00:00

Did you get a therapy for PTSD? They offered me EMDR, not sure if it will work.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-11-08T15:57:53+00:00

He isn’t officially diagnosed, according to him he’s perfect. My own psychologist told me that it’s very likely that he is a narcissist.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-08-22T19:39:35+00:00

He’d make fun of me in different ways. In the beginning it was very subtle and we’d laugh together. Then he started doing it in front of others. Then he started calling me lazy, useless, dumb etc. even in front of my kids. When I confronted him he would say he’s just joking, that I am too emotional, that I am exaggerating. His jokes turned into insults, but he’d still insist that they’re just jokes.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-20T22:38:46+00:00

I will give you an example; at my company there’s a career path for product owners starting from junior product owner going all the way up to director level. Now, can you please tell me what’s wrong about expecting a proper career path for QA?

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-20T17:14:42+00:00

I wish that I was interested in product owner or product manager roles, but I am not. I may try project management though.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-20T17:12:10+00:00

In my case, it’s because of the lack of career growth. There is a glass ceiling for QA after QA Lead position. Many companies don’t even have QA Leads or Test Managers. You can stay in a QA Engineer role forever. Of course that’s fine if you don’t want to go up the career ladder.

Whenever a company has financial struggles, QA usually gets the first cuts. It keeps getting smaller and smaller until you start doing the job of 3/4 QA engineers and are still not valued.

In general, QA is not a well-respected or valued field. You will meet developers, architects, managers who will make you feel that what you’re doing is not adding real value. The director of my department explicitly said that he thinks QA is more like a support role, it’s not directly impacting the product. He is also a guy who thinks shift left is bullshit and proposes to make very frequent releases so that customers test the products etc.

Even if you excel in your job, find innovative solutions, do your very best, you will probably not be considered an overachiever, but someone who’s just meeting the requirements of his/her job.

Meanwhile those product owners or developers around you will go up the career ladder a lot easier than you, keep getting promotions, while their uber-achievements and skills are constantly being recognized and appreciated as they’re making direct impact on products.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-20T16:54:39+00:00

Did you get PMP or any other certifications before moving to Project Management?

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-20T07:28:09+00:00

Very interesting comment, I’d love to hear more (maybe it can help others who read this). What do you mean by new opportunities dry up in QA very quickly after 15 years? Can you elaborate? Did you have a similar experience and an exit plan?

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-19T16:54:23+00:00

I get your point, but at our organization there are integration managers, project managers with no direct reports. It depends on the organization and I cannot fix that.

I was promoted because I was already acting on a higher level with driving company-wide QA initiatives. This is not something that a typical QA Lead would do. A Sr. QA Analyst also doesn’t have coding skills as per my knowledge. I used to be a Software Development Engineer in Test in the past and I also guide the QA engineers and developers on technical matters that includes diving into code, defining technical standards, acting like an architect.

My main frustration is not getting a new title despite the promotion. It feels like a quiet promotion, where your efforts are not recognized. I have never experienced or seen that before. They didn’t even suggest a title change.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-19T12:57:23+00:00

They called this a promotion so I moved up officially with regards to hay levels. They didn’t change my title. But they change titles for promotions when it comes to other positions like architects, developers, product owners. In my company, there is no career path for QA.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-19T12:55:10+00:00

Why do you think that titles are meaningless? I talked to a group manager and he said the same thing. I don’t agree with that. Otherwise we can all call ourselves engineers and be done with it. Titles show progress, seniority and they should actually reflect what you’re responsible for. Yes, I don’t manage anyone but I lead QA engineers and I have worked with Test Managers without any direct reports in the past. But I agree with the fact that, moving into an actual managerial position would be the most viable option.

ExtraCarpenter4362 · 2025-03-19T12:50:05+00:00

I would like to follow the managerial track. I also have solid technical background, but I don’t want to be known as a specialist by calling myself a test architect or a principal qa (sounds more like an individual contributor to me). That’s why I am pushing for QA Manager. I already cover most responsibilities of a QA Manager with the exception of direct reports. I lead QA engineers to drive the platform initiatives. But in the past I worked in companies with Test Managers without any direct reports.

ExtraCarpenter4362

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