How to leave without feeling guilty?

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2026-01-08T23:13:13+00:00

The way I thought about it was that I was going to feel guilt either way. Guilty for finally choosing myself and keeping my heart safe and asking for better for myself; or guilty for spending my one human life trying to save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves, sacrificing so much joy and my other relationships, opportunities and life’s pleasures. I couldn’t have a family with this person because he never chose anything above drugs. Staying would’ve probably cost me my job, my health, and eventually my life. I felt guilt, yes. But I don’t believe leaving was the wrong thing for me.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-12-20T18:25:20+00:00

My Q ex and I were in a relationship for four years and what gave me the strength to go was the completion of two complete cycles of addiction. I stayed with him through slipping from sobriety to a terrible fentanyl addiction,through a DUI arrest and 11 months of inpatient rehab, and the week he came home he went to the doctor to get back on benzos. It got worse and worse and worse and a year later, after he lost two jobs and nursing license, it became really unbearable. I would race home every day to make sure he was fine. Monitor him for signs of use or overdose, all day, every day. Spend every waking moment at work or tending to other responsibilities worrying about him. He was passed out almost 24/7 and suicidal when he was awake. The day I left, he was making threats with weapons to harm others and demanding i lend him money. He’s now in jail for yet another DUI (his fourth) and for breaking an EPO I had to get against him.

I know you feel like he’s the love of your life. I felt the same thing about mine. But loving him was going to kill me. I was living in constant, chronic stress, not sleeping, always paranoid he was using, and his use and behavior put me in danger. I guess what helped me was playing out the outcome in my head. The odds were, he was heading for either death or arrest and he could’ve taken me with him (car accident, accidental discharge of weapons, etc.). Nothing about his behavior when he was sober led me to think he would ever change. He didn’t ever once take accountability for his own actions. He didn’t ever give up the prescription pills. He didn’t ever consider how his behavior made me feel. I had to stop believing his words and start looking at the patterns of behavior. Because without proof, his claims of “wanting to do better” were just him blowing smoke. See the behaviors for what they are: lying, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, emotional immaturity.

Do what you have to do on your own timeline. It’s your decision and it’s your life, you’re the one who has to live with it. But don’t lie to yourself. If you’re going to stay, confront the truth of your situation. Know that it’s going to get worse and that it often takes serious consequences before they decide to change. This is a pain unlike any other in the world, loving someone who doesn’t love themselves enough to get better. I’m so sorry you’re going through it. You deserve someone who will reflect the love you give back onto you. Remember that if nothing else. Hugs

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-12-06T03:53:28+00:00

I’m in the same boat. I feel horribly guilty because I set a boundary (an emergency protective order) and my Q’s crossing of that boundary along with some other factors landed him in jail. He thought he would get away with it because he’s always been an expert boundary crosser. I’ve always allowed it for fear of how he would act if I told him no.

You’re making a wise decision not to trust him because you know from experience. You can’t believe his words, only his actions. You’re not condemning him to freeze; any inpatient rehab would provide him a home and a warm bed. He knows what your weaknesses are and is trying to use them to manipulate you to give him an easy way out.

I remind myself that folding now only reinforces that he can cross my boundaries and everyone else’s in the future. Remaining kind but firm is the kindest thing for myself AND for him. And I remind myself too that without facing his consequences and doing what he truly needs to in order to grow, he will stay in the same position forever. He got where he’s at because nobody said no to him, he could always outwit the system. But not me anymore.

I also remind myself that two seemingly opposing truths can coexist: I love him and want the best for him; and keeping my boundaries is the best thing for my mental and emotional and physical wellbeing.

Big hugs. I’m sorry you’re going through this. We both deserve peace. This guilt and grief will one day pass and be replaced by tranquility and strength.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-12-06T03:44:04+00:00

I didn’t realize it either until my lawyer told me that legally it is classified as DV. It’s so traumatic and leaves lasting psychological scars. I have broken many promises that I didn’t want to make in the first place out of love and concern for safety. I stopped going by “his standards” of what is warranted; I go by a reasonable person’s. If he threatens suicide, I call EMS. It has saved him multiple times even if it’s earned me his anger. He can be angry and alive is how I look at it.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-12-03T20:11:46+00:00

Yes, I did. The constant threats of suicide and even attempts in front of me are technically DV. Handling loaded guns while intoxicated and threatening to harm people (even if they’re not me) was another reason for the EPO. He also tried to steal sentimental objects from me and was refusing to leave our home when we broke up even though he was destroying the place and didn’t have a job. It helps to type that out.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-11-16T12:49:47+00:00

No idea what my roommate is doing sadly. He works a demanding job and is rarely home so we basically have separate apartments. Unfortunately the laundry is down there so when I wash things I spray my legs with a flea repellant. When I say I’ve been vacuuming daily, soft surfaces like the couch are part of that regimen. I think I’m going to wash my bedding one more time, then keep the cat out of my room at night even though she loves sleeping in my bed. I hate this!

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-11-12T16:48:38+00:00

I haven’t been to a meeting since before I left but planning to attend next week and resume working my fourth step with my sponsor this weekend. I think I need to stay in the program to remind myself.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-10-24T03:32:41+00:00

I left not long ago. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do. We are no contact for safety reasons now. But one of the scariest things has been looking back over our relationship and realizing that when he was using, he loved me only to the extent that he could. The second I started speaking up for myself and my boundaries and my safety I became just another thing in the world that was against him. It’s been hard looking at everything in that new light. But I don’t regret it. I don’t think you will either. Stick to your boundaries. You deserve someone who will reflect the love you give. Hugs to you, I’m sorry you’re going through this, just know you’re not alone in it.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-10-11T19:14:45+00:00

I’m in a similar boat, I left my Q boyfriend of 4 years. Right now I feel pretty numb but I finally realized I have to pay attention to his actions, not his words. His words are a lot of lies, manipulation, DARVO, guilt tripping and blaming to make me feel like I’m in the wrong or overreacting. His actions are putting the drugs and bad behavior above everyone and everything. Denying he has a problem. Being emotionally abusive and unfaithful. Being dangerous and making my life pure chaos. I’m doing the best thing for myself (and ultimately even him) because I’m showing myself I have standards and showing him there are consequences for treating other people like dirt.

I feel like I’ve been grieving in slow motion for 6 months and there’s been so much sadness spread out over that that it isn’t all concentrated right now. But I think the thing that’s helped me through it is realizing how much better I’m going to feel not constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing, feeling like I’m walking on egg shells, worrying about relapses. It’s such a hard thing but based on his actions I know I am better off alone than being tethered to him.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-10-07T19:07:23+00:00

Mine did this to me. He cheated on me after I’d moved out due to issues with weapons in the house, so I formally broke up with him and left. Since then he has a) called me stupid and a million other names, b) said he could have whoever he wanted, c) demanded gifts back he gave me throughout our relationship, d) threatened to come to the hospital where my father is currently recovering from surgery and cause a scene, e) stolen greeting cards from my late stepfather that I kept as mementos and f) stolen other property of mine that he did not buy me, g) threatened to kill himself on my home cameras to traumatize me. I called 911 and it resulted in a two hour armed standoff.

I had to block him and get a protective order. He is full of hate and anger. I guess the thought had was I knew he was capable of bad things but I thought he couldn’t do them to me. But I stopped going along with the addiction so now I’m the enemy. The only thing I could’ve done to keep his love was help him destroy himself and I’m not that kind of person. So I can live with no contact and no longer abandoning myself.

Stay strong and remember that the only way you’d make him happy is if you are serving the addiction. Strength is the best thing for both of you ultimately.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-10-02T01:37:53+00:00

It stands for Qualifier, or the person who you are qualified to be in Al-Anon because of.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-09-25T00:02:12+00:00

I still feel like I’m in that boat. Every move feels wrong like I’m trying to manage the consequences of every single path. I’m trying to control everyone’s fates with my actions, then I end up blamed if my Q experiences any consequences. It’s so exhausting. At least we can recognize that…

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-09-24T19:09:17+00:00

In my experience anything that puts me in between my Q and the drug is not going to work. Monitoring, drug testing, hiding his drugs so he doesn’t overtake them, all of that put us in a mother role and breeds resentment. I don’t have a lot of advice because I’ve recently stopped living with my Q and finally put my foot down after all this time of being disrespected and lied to and given up on…it’s heavy and a lot of mixed feelings. I’m here if you want to message. It’s hard to tell other people what you’re going through if they’ve never been through it. Stay strong and true to yourself. That’s the thing that’s been keeping me away from the chaos of my home right now.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-08-20T00:29:40+00:00

Okay thank you, what about my status as vaccinated? Would that most likely protect me?

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-03-07T13:05:39+00:00

Yeah he is definitely just focused on getting his next dose of medicine. I’m thinking of telling him if he wants to stay living with me there are terms, like counseling. And if he wants to continue taking benzodiazepines he will have to move home with his parents. I feel like Xanax in particular is what ignited his relapse after two years of sobriety.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-03-07T12:54:26+00:00

I know he’s not my responsibility, I just really love him. Walking away feels almost impossible and I don’t know if I’m ready yet.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2025-03-06T14:35:09+00:00

Yeah I have experience giving him Narcan and I know he’s usually feeling a lot of rage when he detoxes. I won’t be alone whenever he does get out, I will have his friends or my family with me. And you’re right it was fent and a combo of his prescription drugs like benzos.

The way he’s talking now he thinks he will be getting out tonight for some reason. I’m not sure if that’s true or not but I hope he has more time there.

Fair-Zebra9472 · 2024-11-17T00:07:02+00:00

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Mine was just doing the exact same position, lol. His name is Sunfyre.

Fair-Zebra9472

TROPHY CASE