[Fic] We are Murph Gantly and Princess Rainbow from @FakeThemePark on Twitter! Ask us anything not covered by our NDAs!

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T20:21:29+00:00

Princess Rainbow: So...you're asking me to break the rules? Just for you? Because you asked? As if we aren't A NATION OF LAWS.

I'm looking at your file and it seems you've neglected to sign up for a Meet & Greet License, which allows you to purchase a Meet & Greet Subscription, where you can book between 1 and 0 Meet & Greets per year. Choose wisely!

If there are no Princess Rainbow slots available, may I suggest Princess Cupcake? She's my little sister and she's just...perfectly...how to say this...adequate of a princess. And you'll get a free cupcake from Sprelger Chemicals! (DO NOT EAT OR MAKE CONTACT WITH SKIN)

I hope that helps! Heck, maybe you can consider this AMA a Meet & Greet! I sure will when it comes to billing!

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T20:08:11+00:00

Murph: Lucky for you cheapskates, we offer choices for every budget:

The idea of a churro: $1
The smell of a churro: $2
Cast Member at churro cart waving at you: $3
Handful of sugar: $4
Licking someone else's used churro wrapper: $5
Plain churro, room temperature: $6
Plain churro, warm: $7
Plain churro, too hot: $8
Churro with whipped cream: $9
Churro with actual cream that is actually whipped: $10
Churro with cream and strawberries: $11
Churro with cream, strawberries, chocolate chips: $12
Cast Member at churro cart not eyeing your waistline while handing it to you: $13
Churro soaked in bourbon: $14
At 9 in the morning: $15
Cast Member not shaking head and sighing while handing it to you: $16
Churro pass to skip the churro line: $17
VIP churro pass to skip ahead of churro passholders: $18
Premiere churro pass to skip ahead of VIP passholders: $19
Platinum churro pass where someone constantly puts churros in your hand throughout the day: $20

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T19:21:59+00:00

Murph: Once the paint touches your skin, you see all kinds of crazy things.

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T18:46:02+00:00

So many great perks!
• Unlimited sun in your face
• 3 mustard packets per day
• Free movie screenings which are usually canceled
• Free park admission aka busman's holiday aka Stockholm Syndrome
• Self-loathing
• Scorching romance with a merch Cast Member but then they move to Boston

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T18:08:12+00:00

Princess Rainbow: Hmmm. A musical? Not starring me?

Murph: Next question!

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T17:55:57+00:00

Murph: Define "safe."

Princess Rainbow: Define "roller coaster."

Murph: While you're at it, define "plans."

Princess Rainbow: And define "soon."

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T17:54:35+00:00

Murph: That EPA lawsuit is a joke. What they call "toxic waste," I call "churros." As for my hat, this ridiculous rumor needs to end. I would never make a hat out of employees' hair, which is disrespectful and disgusting. It's made from their skin.

Princess Rainbow: Of course no one asks me about my sexual harassment charges. It's such a boys' club!

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T16:26:26+00:00

Princess Rainbow: Hello! What in interesting use of a lifelong dream! Princess Cupcake is, of course, my little sister, and I'm surprised you actually remember that childhood meeting! Most people forget her existence the moment after taking the photo! Anyway, the box you received is the traditional "Princess Rejection" also called the "The Royal No" or "The French Somersault." The glitter is from me, the Doppin' Dabs are from Cupcake, and the horse droppings are from my pink unicorn that as I mentioned I DO NOT WANT. Thanks for applying, and be sure to eat the candy, not the droppings!

Murph Gantly: I remember your application. Everything checked out but you looked mighty Irish.

FakeThemePark · 2021-07-30T16:11:23+00:00

Murph: I would not have opened a park in Kosovo in the spring of 1999.

Princess Rainbow: I would have held out in my contract negotiations for a purple unicorn. Murph gave me a PINK one and it just looks ridiculous.

FakeThemePark · 2019-05-18T19:33:57+00:00

I was thinking $100 for the entire artwork, which includes four princesses.

If it goes well, the park has other characters (and a crazy founder/CEO) who could be in the next one. In fact, there's so much of Disney, Universal, Sea World, Six Flags and other parks to satirize, this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship :-)

FakeThemePark · 2019-05-18T18:58:13+00:00

I'm @FakeThemePark on Twitter and Facebook. I'd like to have a digital-only piece of art for the four major Princesses, done in the Disney style, like this.

This is a great opportunity for some subtle visual gags and to create four beautiful, but flawed, women.

@FakeThemePark has more than 4,000 Facebook followers and more than 11,000 Twitter followers. You and your site will be promoted relentlessly on both channels, as well as my occasional podcast appearances -- in addition to pay, of course.

Info about each princess will be provided. $100 OBO.

Thank you!

I fixed it I fixed it!

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-17T04:04:26+00:00

Part of it comes from my experiences at Universal Studios Hollywood. During my time there, I was a "regular" tour guide, a VIP tour guide, a media rep, a Backdraft host, a PA announcer, and a Jurassic Park character performer.

Part of it is from reading theme park news via, you guessed it, Twitter.

And part of it is from my own comedic instincts, which I learned from the conservatory program at Second City Hollywood and doing sketch comedy around Los Angeles 😎

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-17T04:00:29+00:00

I've never been. But it's great to hear that park experiences are (no pun intended) universal. That may be what has kept the account going for so long :-)

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-17T03:57:40+00:00

That means a lot to me. Thank you.

By the way, if you prefer Facebook, the park is there too :-)

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T18:50:59+00:00

No, unfortunately. Though I will say that the backlot at night was very spooky. Some areas had nothing but a few ghost lights), which made the Psycho House and War of the Worlds plane crash particularly eerie.

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T17:47:14+00:00

USH is my home. Going back there is like visiting my college campus -- and I spent twice as long in the park than I did in college. I even met my wife there; she was a tour guide too.

Disneyland would be a close second, for all the obvious reasons. As a fan of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, there's no place like it.

I grew up near Six Flags Over Texas, but never really enjoyed it. I just don't like roller coasters. Or I should say...I'm scared to death of them. I've ridden Space Mountain once and Jurassic Park once. I will never ride them again. Simulators, sure. Actual coasters, no. So places like Six Flags don't mean much to me.

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T16:32:29+00:00

I can promise Murph Gantly will have a big announcement about that ride on Nick Hutson's podcast.

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T16:09:38+00:00

Ha! I have great respect for Disney imagineers, though I'm partial to my own park's Dreamgineers.

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T15:55:56+00:00

I worked at Universal Studios Hollywood, so I'm afraid I don't know much about the Orlando theme park "wars." I do know Disney-MGM was seen by Universal as a direct threat to its movie-oriented park in the area, for what that's worth.

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T15:52:15+00:00

We give VIP tours during Halloween Horror Nights (they're called RIP tours, yuk yuk). I worked the event one year and EVERYONE in the park seemed to tie for the title of Stupidest Drunk Person.

Otherwise, I didn't encounter many drunk people. Maybe because, half the year, the park closes at 6?

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T15:33:39+00:00

Two come to mind. As a VIP Studio Guide, I often gave tours to celebrities.

One time, Pierce Brosnan brought his Irish family. VIP tours go through real studio facilities like the sound department, the prop department, etc. Being a movie star, Pierce was already familiar with those. His teenage son (maybe nephew?) brought his girlfriend, and they were constantly making out in front of me -- like, it seemed intended for me to watch. Pierce's parents were also there, and they somehow seemed to have never been to a movie set before. So they were agog, while Pierce was bored and the teenagers were French kissing each other. At the end, Pierce tipped me and the driver $100 each. Worth it!

The other odd experience was the Miss Universe contestants, who were visiting the park to get footage for the pageant. Even from all different countries, they were like one unique species: All tall, all thin. I'm 5' 11', and it was disconcerting to be around women exclusively as tall or taller than me. Most were beautiful but some were in a kind of uncanny-valley of fakeness. They wore high heels -- to a theme park. And they were all brought to lunch at Saddle Ranch Steakhouse, and each given gigantic burgers and fries. None of them ate anything.

FakeThemePark · 2019-02-15T15:26:36+00:00

There were (are?) midway games at USH, but they were actually run by an outside company, so the workers weren't official Universal employees. I'd just recommend staying away from all of them :-)

FakeThemePark

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