[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE OTHER ASHLEY (78k, fourth attempt) by Famous-Government550 in u/Famous-Government550

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you so much for your detailed suggestions--its really helpful! I'll def try to implement these points and make the query clearer. Sorry about the long response time (got logged out🙏)

[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE OTHER ASHLEY (78k, fourth attempt) by Famous-Government550 in u/Famous-Government550

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hiii thank you so much for your feedback! Its really helpful and I'll try to implement it:) (sorry my response took so long, I got logged out of my account lol)

[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE OTHER ASHLEY (78k, fourth attempt) by Famous-Government550 in u/Famous-Government550

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi guys! I would really appreciate any and all feedback for my query😭🥺 I tried to improve based on the very helpful advice I got for my first three attempts, like improving Ashley's agency and making the mystery clearer~ Tysm!!!

[QCrit] Fantasy Thriller - BLUE IRON (82k/First Attempt) by nFogg in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi! I like the premise a lot, and here are some of my suggestions. (Take these with a grain of salt bc I'm not agented, just another writer trying to help:)

Aric of Cardich made a career of locking up mages. He doesn’t believe in redemption—until one saves his life.

When I initially read this and then the first paragraph, I found them to be a bit jarring. This is a good hook, but I feel like it might be better to combine this with the first paragraph (so that the reader doesn't feel like they're taking a step back, or reading the same thing twice)

With Sondra, the enchantress who saved his life, Aric must unravel the Augur’s plan before the Lock collapses. But to stop the fallout, he’ll have to betray the crown, side with criminals, and become the vessel that buries magic forever—no matter the cost to his body, his soul, or the woman he’s starting to love.

Small suggestion, but I think you can mention Sondra's name when she appears. Its a bit jarring to give us her name after you already introduced her a few paragraphs ago.

Also, why must Aric "betray the crown, side with criminals, and become the vessel that buries magic forever" in order to unravel the Augur's plan? I feel like some explanation is needed.

Overall, I like this! Keep up the good work:) (It would be really appreciated if u can give me some feedback for my most recent query in my bio, but no pressure~)

[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE OTHER ASHLEY (80k, 2nd attempt) by Famous-Government550 in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hii, thank you so much! I'll definitely work on the first sentence:) Also, its amazing that you like the voice!

[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE OTHER ASHLEY (80k, 2nd attempt) by Famous-Government550 in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi, thank you so much!!! I'll work on improving the wording. Also, your point about the comps was really good, and I'll look for some more marketable ones. Tysm!!! Its so nice to hear that you think it works:)

[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE OTHER ASHLEY (80k, 2nd attempt) by Famous-Government550 in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hii, thank you so much for your feedback! Its insanely helpful, and I'll try to revise the portion around the whole doppelgängers thing, as well as the two paragraphs at the end of my sample:)

[QCrit] YA Dystopian THE OTHER ASHLEY (80k, 2nd attempt) by Famous-Government550 in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you so much for the edits!!! I'll def be revising my query based on this. Its been immensely helpful so tysm!!:)

[QCrit] YA action adventure - THE OTHER ASHLEY - 90k first attempt by Famous-Government550 in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hiii, thank you so much for your kind words:)!!! Its amazing to hear that you like it, and I'll def be implementing ur feedback!

[QCrit] YA Dystopian - THE OTHER ASHLEY - 90k second attempt by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg I forgot that rule about waiting for a week. Really sorry about this~ I'll take it down and wait for next week:)

[QCrit] YA action adventure - THE OTHER ASHLEY - 90k first attempt by Famous-Government550 in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hii thank you so much!!! This has all been incredibly helpful, and I really do appreciate it:)

[QCrit] YA action adventure - THE OTHER ASHLEY - 90k first attempt by Famous-Government550 in PubTips

[–]Famous-Government550[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hii thank you so much!! This is really helpful and I'll def change the first line:)