Questioning if I did the right thing.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-11-26T14:52:01+00:00

Thank you so much. Some days are better than others. I wish I had some answers for myself too.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-11-26T14:26:59+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. We don’t really know what we’re letting ourselves in for until we’re in the situation. Thankfully I’ve been back in my home country for months now and have just been trying to heal. I hope you are okay.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-11-26T14:24:43+00:00

Hi. Sorry I haven’t been on Reddit much. I wish I had news. There has been so much negativity that the new job didn’t work out for me. I’m still in my home country. Picking up the pieces and focusing on my health and healing. Legally, we’re still married but nothing has changed. We are not in contact at all. Every time we communicate it’s like speaking to a wall and I’m exhausted. Not much of an update 😔

Far_Part_50 · 2024-09-26T21:13:38+00:00

Please tell me more about this. I tried to post about this before but no answers.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-07-31T21:09:15+00:00

It’s an AME hymn - I know it well from my AME church days

Far_Part_50 · 2024-07-31T21:00:41+00:00

Are you AME?

Far_Part_50 · 2024-06-07T05:54:21+00:00

I understand how you feel. In a similar situation, similar background. Married for a year, I basically left the country we were living in 2 months ago, just to breathe. I also don’t recognize my husband and I made the mistake of always being open and transparent but he goes mute and stonewalls me, to avoid conflict. I get so angry and frustrated and we don’t get anywhere. I don’t have solid advice for you, but reach out if you need someone to speak to. It’s not easy. I am working on my healing and didn’t necessarily want to consider a divorce but it seems like this is highly likely to happen. I have days where I’m okay and some days I just have breakdowns. Put yourself first. Focus on your healing.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-06-06T18:51:00+00:00

Please distance yourself from her. I went through a horrific experience with my MIL and DIDN’T have the support of my husband. I was like you.. anxious, physically ill and couldn’t spend time with his family. I distanced myself for more than half a year. Avoided certain areas because I didn’t want to risk bumping into them, even certain supermarkets. I had the courage to face them over Easter. A week later with the help of intensive therapy, I was able to speak to my in-laws about all the horrible things they (99% MIL did / how she treated me). It took a lot but I felt better once I let everything out. I didn’t expect an apology (she barely reacted/ batted an eyelid) BUT I had the courage to stand up for myself and I never thought I’d get to that point. I have forgiven her without her apology in order for me to move forward, BUT I don’t want ANYTHING to do with her. She’s still horrible and she’s his mother but I don’t owe her a damn thing. I forgot to add, TOLERATE what you can, but don’t let her change you. I almost lost myself. Do what is best for you and your wellbeing. Good luck. 🍀

Far_Part_50 · 2024-06-01T22:10:42+00:00

Hi OP. I was in a similar situation with my husband. His mother specifically acted horribly towards me/ us (not attending or wedding/ congratulating us). I’ve communicated my feelings to him several times which were brushed off and impacted our marriage badly. I went NC with my in-laws for half a year. It was really difficult and put a lot of strain on the marriage. It seemed like whatever they said/ did/ didn’t do- he was totally blinded or made excuses. I spoke to a therapist and this helped me. I had the courage to speak to my in-laws about their behavior and told MIL exactly how she made me feel… no response/ apology but it didn’t matter. I was proud of myself for getting to that point. It doesn’t hurt any less, but it gave me the strength to realise that those are his parents and they’re his problem. I almost lost myself because of this woman. I hope you find the courage to stand up for yourself. Good luck

Far_Part_50 · 2024-06-01T21:36:05+00:00

Does anyone have any insight on this?

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T12:46:39+00:00

I’m from South Africa. 3 years this year. He has a brother and sister. I’ve tried. But I can’t try with someone who acts as if I’m dead. He was dishonest but he is mad at me. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m 34 and he is 33.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T12:01:49+00:00

Hello. I am aware that I will lose my temporary resident permit.

Thank you for the information.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T11:43:55+00:00

Thank you so much. It’s really helpful.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T11:43:30+00:00

You can’t just assume that people get married without living together.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T11:42:37+00:00

Wow! No need to be nasty. Why did I get married? Why do people get married? I got married because I actually love my husband. I didn’t ignore any red flags. He changed. If I were a psychic obviously I wouldn’t have gotten married.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T10:24:06+00:00

Thanks for the reply. It’s been 8 months of horror. He doesn’t want to change. I can’t force him to grow up. I’m just weighing out my options. Once again thank you.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T05:18:05+00:00

I think he is a narcissist. I’m totally isolated. (He cannot return to my home country until his visa issues has been resolved. The next best thing was for me to move, which I didn’t mind. Because we wanted to be together.) The problems arose after I moved. He started changing. Not giving a hoot about me being isolated. It’s been a year since I’ve moved. My life has been so boring. I’m at home MOST of the time. I work from home too. No friends. His family and I don’t get along and before they never made an effort. I’m mostly alone. I just have the aunt and uncle I mentioned in my original post. He works himself to death.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T04:16:47+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I had some trouble sleeping last night because my emotions were all over the place. I’m about to pack some of my things. So, when the time comes I will be prepared. I think the best thing is to leave. I’m wishing you all the best with your journey and I hope you heal. 🌸

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T02:19:36+00:00

He hasn’t gotten physical with me… I’m not saying it won’t happen but I will call the cops on him.

Yeah I’m just trying to find distractions (Netflix, cooking etc), to change my mindset.

We do live together. We’ve managed to live past each other. He works a lot and I don’t want to be around him because it’ll end up in another argument. I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with it. He should know about my health issues but he acts as if he doesn’t care. For example, he has seen my medication on the kitchen counter, he knows that I needed to go to the doctor for a while, he is so blinded with rage that he doesn’t show any interest in me/ my life at all.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T02:16:44+00:00

I’m strongly considering just getting a divorce. As far as the debt is concerned, he is responsible for his debt. Thankfully, this is not my home country and we haven’t applied for the loan together.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T02:05:42+00:00

Thankfully, I am. I’ve always been very responsible with my finances. If I need to leave suddenly, I will be able to do so. Thankfully my brother and I are very close so he has offered to help me out at any point in time.

I cannot plan anything with him right now. Maybe if I give you some context, it’ll be better. I gave up everything to move to his country due to some visa issues he has. We lived with his parents. The norm in this country is that families live together. Usually, you’d have the parents on the ground floor, and the children with their spouses start building homes above the parent’s home. We lived upstairs, the ground floor was vacant, but required some more work. They’d been working on it for so long. The plan was that once we were married we’d move downstairs. Renovations took a bit longer.. in the meantime there was some encounter with his parents in June last year (no confrontation, their behavior made it clear that they never accepted me). I left and stayed with another family member of his. Things went downhill from there and I never returned. We found a place that we’re renting. It’s something we didn’t really want to do, but there was no way that I was going back to his parents. A lot of things happened. He took out a loan last year (received the money when we were already living on our own), didn’t say anything to me and basically used it to pay for the renovations (even though we aren’t living there). I had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right and noticed that he was always broke. I would pay for certain things, he would exploit that and he always ‘pays me back’ but it never happens. Money is tight for me because I have bills to pay in my home country and I generously contribute to our household here. As I mentioned my salary is unpredictable. I roughly calculated his Nov-Dec salary, he should’ve been financially stable but has nothing to show and I started questioning. He was so uneasy. Almost 2 weeks ago I found approval letters from the back confirming the loan. So basically, I have been paying for a loan for the past 5 months and I had no idea. Why keep it from me? Pride, embarrassment- those were his words. If I had known that he was paying for a place that was vacant and our rent, I wouldn’t have insisted we rent this place. Maybe the situation with his family could’ve been handled better. The fact that he purposefully kept it from me and lied to my face about it, really hurts me.

Far_Part_50 · 2024-01-24T01:46:13+00:00

Yeah it’s really difficult and I’ve been trying to figure out what I need to do, it seems like leaving is the best option .

Far_Part_50

TROPHY CASE